Monday, 29 December 2014

Finally, Something to Cheer About

In the words of our very own Able:
"I didn't see that coming"
From the position that we were in at half time and looking at some of the scores on the old box, I will have to admit that I wasn't expecting a turn around like that.

Saturday, 27 December 2014

Extraordinary Rendition

Its 12.15pm on Boxing Day and I am stationery on the M25 wondering just what the fuck has gone wrong with my life.

Why I chose to go to Ruislip where Wealdstone play via the London Orbital motorway is down to one thing and one thing only, the voices in my head. They haven't quite reached Ronnie Kray proportions yet but they still have the ability to deflect me from what is right and sensible.

Sunday, 21 December 2014

Squid & Sprouts

To be brutally honest, if you're a regular visitor to this particularly idiotic corner of the interwebs, you'll be fully aware of the sort of season we are currently enduring here at Sutton United FC. So if you're a bit short on time at what is after all a somewhat stressful and hectic time of the year, I'd suggest skipping the rest of this. Mainly as it'll be nowt you've not already bloody read several times before.

Sunday, 14 December 2014

Strange, No Match Tickets

Its now been thirteen weeks since Sutton have managed to string together something simple like two victories in a row. We've not had a lot of luck this season, but that is the wonder of football with all its trials and tribulations. So what about our trip to Hertfordshire and back? Well lets just say many a good days session has been spoilt by 90 minutes of football. And this was one of them.

Wednesday, 10 December 2014

Even the Wind and Rain can't Stop the Dream

Finally we get to play in what can only be described as the pinnacle of county football. Not only that but only the best teams in the whole of the county dare to enter such a ferocious and demanding competition. A place where you are only up to six games from eternal glory and a place in Valhalla itself. (FFS, get on with it Duke - ed.) It must be the...

Sunday, 7 December 2014

Sounding Like a Broken Record

I was meeting Taz at a pub and as I went in, I noticed two pretty women looking at me. 'Nine,' I heard one whisper to the other as I passed. Feeling pleased with myself, I swaggered over to Taz and told him a girl just rated me as nine out of ten. 'I don't want to ruin it for you,' he said, 'but when I walked in they were speaking German.'

Sunday, 30 November 2014

All Aboard the Hereford Express-ish

It's half past five on Saturday morning and I'm awoken by the sound of my alarm. The nice little dream of me in a little sex sandwich with Keeley Hawes & Jane Seymour would have to wait for its conclusion another day. After a little scratch, it's time to go downstairs and put the kettle on. Still nearly about to doze off, the kettle whistles and gets my attention.

Sunday, 23 November 2014

Two Whole Years of Twaddle by Twonks

"Never leave a man behind, unless it is mutually inconvenient to the rest of the group"

These are the words that the Gandermonium Firm hold dear to. In fact they are the only words that we actually adhere to. Maybe it would look better if it was in Latin?

"Numquam a tergo reliquissent , nisi molestum est, reliqui se in coetus"

Sunday, 16 November 2014

Deja Groundhog Day Vu

When some Herbert sends you a message on a Friday morning asking if you'd fancy doing the match day blog think long and hard before you reply. If you don't then you too may end up opening a bottle of brandy at 9am on a Sunday morning, staring at a blank sheet of paper and thinking "where the fuck do I start?".

These blokes aren't as daft as they look but more of that later.

Sunday, 9 November 2014

Chaka Demus Wang & Pliers McAndrew

Another week, another point and another performance that is just missing that little je ne sais quoi. Or some other sort of poncy French saying. We may be four games now undefeated but we are still middle of the table with a goal difference of zilch. But today it was our job to entertain those from God's own graveyard, Eastbourne Borough.

Monday, 3 November 2014

Where is Mein Handy?

I don't know how some of those Division One supporters do it, as going to a match on the Lords day is a very strange experience. It probably didn't help getting right on it after watching the Reserves up at Ice Station Banstead the day before. Some of that trip will no doubt be revealed in the little ditty that Taz has written for your delight.

A Very Reserved Saturday

Like most football fans, we here at the 'monium of Gander (with huge emphasis on the 'moan' in our case) are creatures of habit. And interfering with our routine is never a welcome thing. So you can imagine our sense of loss and confusion when we found we had to wait until the Sunday to go to our latest league match at Hayes. At Maidenhead.

Sunday, 26 October 2014

Dirt on the Bishop's Finger

Ah, fourth round qualifying day, the time where you believe you're only ninety minutes away from a plumper of a first round tie. Alas, once again we won't be taking part in this year's festivities as we slumped out in the round previously. Still its been many years that we've put a Cup & Trophy run together in the same season so there is still time to "do the bizzo",as the northern tribes like to say, in the latter.

Monday, 20 October 2014

I Was There When Bignall Scored

Jack and Jill went up the Hill, To have some hanky-panky, silly Jill forgot her pill, And now there's little Frankie. I'm here all week folks!

A man once said "a week is a long time in football", personally I think that a week is the same time in any walk of life but this week has thrown up a few issues. First we crashed out of the FA Cup, even though it wasn't a shock to those that follow the team. Secondly we've seen some movements on and off the field. And thirdly and most importantly, I managed to leave my latest top up of two hundred fags at the club.

Monday, 13 October 2014

Sod all at the end of the Rainbow

We've had a few bad days in the FA Cup over the years. Yeading away in the mid-80's when arguably one of the best Sutton sides ever self destructed and lost 4-1 to a Spartan League side. Then in more recent memory, there's the defeat to Alton Towers Town at GGL being amongst the worst. But those losses had one thing in common, both good sides arguably having a really bad day at the office. 

The same can't be said of yesterday's debacle against Burgess Hill. You could spot this one coming from a mile off.

Sunday, 5 October 2014

Al Capone's Fags

Another birthday recently came and went taking me just a few years away from the day when I am able to negotiate concessionary entrance with MarkN , the desert-booted guardian of turnstile A and custodian of the guitars when I have a gig straight after a home fixture.  In fact I still have the unrequited Senior Citizens entrance ticket that was offered voluntarily at Eastbourne last season pinned to my office wall to remind me that I will soon be dead.

Monday, 29 September 2014

Ceausescu Wasn't There

Finally, the magic that is the second most important cup (after the Surrey Senior!) to us has started for the season that will forever be known as 2014/15.

I do love the cup competitions because you get a chance to not worry about the ups & downs of the league for a change and sometimes you get to go to those occasional classic ties that you can regale your grandchildren with tales of.

Sunday, 21 September 2014

One Step Forward, Two Steps Back

A woman sends her clothing to the dry cleaners. When it comes back, there are still stains in her panties. The next week she encloses a note to the cleaner: 'Use more soap on panties'. This goes on for several weeks, with the woman sending the same note to the dry cleaners. Finally the cleaner responds with a note: 'Use more paper on arse.'

Boom! Boom!

Tuesday, 16 September 2014

From Lithuania with Love (I sold my soul) - Drinking Abroad

Having witnessed history with Gibraltar's first ever competitive match, the gang now find themselves in the car park of the Estadio Algarve. It's 40km to Albufeira, they've got almost a full tank of gas, several packs of cigarettes, it's dark and some of them are wearing sunglasses.

Hit it Juan.

Sunday, 14 September 2014

What Did Marcus Say?

A tourist is in Sutton one Saturday and he decides he would very much like to go to a football match, so he asks a man in the street if there are any local matches being played that afternoon. "Well," replies the man, "The Sutton United ground is very close but they're playing away today. If you feel you must really see a match, the Carshalton ground is not far away. You go straight down this road and you'll see two queues, a big queue and a small queue. You should go to the small queue because the big one is for the fish and chip shop."

Friday, 12 September 2014

It's the Minnows from the Rock! - Football Abroad

Shut up shut up SHUT UP!

I don't have the best relationship with my alarm clock as it is to be honest, but when the little cuboid bastard is waking me up at 5am on a Sunday morning with his shrill electronic banshee howl, my dislike for him reaches even greater hammer attack inducing levels. Ok, I accept that ultimately I set the time he goes off at, but bollocks. This is Gandermonium, so sense and rationality have absolutely no place here.

Wednesday, 10 September 2014

The Wrong Bookend

With a puff of smoke, the wheels of our plane land at Gatwick. The time is half past two, twenty minutes later than expected. For the past two days we've away doing what the Gandermonium Firm does best. But we won't be discussing any of that little trip here, we'll be leaving that little ditty for another time (soon!). Lets just say that over the course of two days we were considerably hung over and found ourselves considerably poorer at the end of it.

Sunday, 7 September 2014

How do you follow that?

“Good morning, I’m from Sutton United Football Club.”

That’s my new calling card as I signed up for accordion virtuoso AB’s roving sales force for the club and took to the streets of The People’s Republic of West Sutton on Thursday on my trusty old bike to distribute propaganda on behalf of the Great Leader we know only as Dos.

And what a week it has been for fans of the heady brew of football and bollocks that is Gandermonium.

Sunday, 31 August 2014

Commit No Nuisance

Its Sunday morning. In fact its half past fuckin' six on a Sunday morning. And where am I? East Croydon. I walk past MacDonald's and there is this fella spread-eagled in front of the door, snoring to his heart's content. People are stepping over him to get inside, how could someone get in such a state? Well lets start from the beginning...

Tuesday, 26 August 2014

Still Got The Boreham Wood Blues

Have you ever been kicked in the bollocks? Have you ever fallen off your bike and smashed your crown jewels on the handle bars as you went over? Have you ever had a football fired at your knackers at 90 mph, and it’s smashed you so hard you fall to the ground in agony. Oh you haven’t ever experienced this pain before. Well if you want to know how this feels then read on.

Sunday, 24 August 2014

It's All Banter-ish

Yeah that's right banter, bants, or even top b. Just some of the words that are used to describe some of the drivel that emits from our north & south every match. The things we say to each other on a daily basis would be on a totally different playing field to some of the messages that Mackay sent to Moody. To put it in prospective, they are Gone With the Wind to our Scarface!

Saturday, 16 August 2014

Just Wandering.....

What’s that I hear you mutter, no game? No bloody game. Oh and why is that, yeah Salisbury. What a farce, beyond words. So at the expensive of another club that get booted out of the league after the actual fixtures are released is beyond a joke. Today was of course the day that we indeed had our home fixture scheduled against these wasters. So what! So bloody what!

Wednesday, 13 August 2014

Angry Goalkeeper

Time check-5 pm:- Time to leave work and give it legs to the train station to make the next available train back into Sutton. Sweating like Oscar Pistorius waiting on the verdict at his murder trial I make the change at Sutton, and head back into the wilderness, no phone signal area of Banstead. The key into the front door and I’ve made it home in 50 minutes, touch!

Sunday, 10 August 2014

The Long and Winding Road

The day began with the usual stomp towards the station on a overcast Saturday morning. There was time for me to get some dollar out and grab a can of the old doctor before hitting up the ticket man for a one day travel card (£5.90 with a railcard). To my surprise I was not just met by the Firm Leader, but by Taz as well. The clock read 0911hrs as the train rolled into the station.

Sunday, 3 August 2014

No Comment Ref!

The final pre-season match is finally over, the wait for the actual season is nearly at its end. One more final game against Cambridge and then we can all get down to the real business. to be honest pre-season can be very much an experience like watching an Etch-A-Sketch in a sandstorm.

Now is the time for some random, yet tediously connected utter bollocks from a specialist.

Wednesday, 30 July 2014

Idi Amin & the Politburo

The old PSF’s have taken their toll on the central committee at Gandermonium as we drag our arses towards the start line for the coming season and as a result the call came through to Totter Towers and the challenge of doing up the Aldershot game was readily accepted.

Sunday, 27 July 2014

It's Just Not Natural

The Firm is on an outing to Kent. Our destination is a little town by the name of Maidstone. I wouldn't say its like a famous five or secret seven sort of trip because basically its an excuse to get steaming in a foreign land. And you never know there is a slight chance that a game of football might break out as well.

Friday, 25 July 2014

If I had a Hammer

Bloody hell. It's not even the end of July yet and we're packing in the fixtures like nobody's business!

Last night we were over at AFC Wimbeldon (usually for such fixtures it's the bigger side that plays away we understand? We'll let you draw your own conclusions here) where we rather stupidly left Dukey largely unsupervised for the night as the rest of us, well, couldn't be arsed. Then tonight we're hosting the contents of Upton Park's creche for another workout.

Wednesday, 23 July 2014

I Always Thought Wimbledon was in Merton

What is all this two games in two day bollocks?

How am I supposed to prepare for another season of blogging and drinking when I don't have to time to collect my thoughts in the appropriate manner? Anyway never mind all that bollocks, I just want to take a couple of moments of your precious time and describe what happened at the match against AFC Wimbledon.

Monday, 21 July 2014

Back When Everything Was In Black & White

25 Years. That's a long time. A long long time. So long in fact that 25 years ago, I was only 15.

Oh dear. That makes me old.

Still, 15 year old me didn't do too badly. Despite picking a crap non-league team for his footballing allegiance, he got to see them dish up one of the greatest FA Cup shocks of all time and have the morning of the monday following that game as a minor celeb at school due to him being the only bona fide Sutton fan in the joint.

Sunday, 20 July 2014

I Played Twenty Minutes!

What's that I hear? The old boys from the Coventry game are playing in a little match before we entertain Reading? Oh wait, you want to cover that match and leave the rest of the day to be covered by me?

Yeah cheers mate!

Sunday, 13 July 2014

"Hug me, I need to vomit..."

Times they are changing.

Well all those dreams have come true. The last 8 weeks down the lane, have seen some massive, massive improvements, both on and off the pitch. First off the off the pitch works have made a massive improvement to the ground, and the club. I myself keeping a close eye on the works over the last 8 weeks, pretty much popping down a few nights every week to take some snaps for me scrap book, and to well, have a nosey!

Sunday, 6 July 2014

From a Land Rwanda

Fuck me we are back again!

And like a bad dose of the clap we've returned leaner, meaner and damn right more thirsty for action & alcohol. The first trip of the 2014/15 was to be a little adventure to Hampshire to take on Our Lord Dos' local team Winchester City who play in the Wessex league.

Monday, 2 June 2014

Every Breath You Take (Belgrade Pt3) - Football Abroad

In the first two parts of this Serbian odyssey, someone broke a camera, Juan became possibly the richest man in Belgrade, we drank beer, saw a lovely sunset, ate loads of top grub, saw no woman less than an 8, had a world class night out, broke into the ground of Serbia's 3rd biggest football club, met some ultras, swopped stickers and went in search of tickets for a football game.

So, a pretty dull weekend so far really, I think you'll agree. Now, here's the third & final installment....

Friday, 30 May 2014

5-1 to the Sutton Boys! (Belgrade Pt2) - Football Abroad

In part one, Juan took you through the thrilling tale of a romantic sunset over beers, a tour at Partizan, nosing about at Red Star, meeting some nice Delije chaps and seeing enough silverware to give a Brasso salesman a raging hard on and thoughts of early retirement.

Up next, it's Dukey to run you through the events of our little jaunt up to the fair city of Novi Sad. What did we do here? Got bloody drunk, that's what! Here's part 2....

Tuesday, 27 May 2014

Dobrodosli u Beograd (Belgrade Pt1) - Football Abroad

So, did we go to Serbia for four days? Did we drink a shed load of beers? Did we tour three of the biggest clubs in the Jelen Super Liga? Did we see a game of football? Did we all get out alive? We might have! By the way, the 'all getting out alive' bit surprised us too.

Tuesday, 20 May 2014

2013/14 Season Review - Part 3

Welcome to the eagerly awaited final part of our review of the season that was, that just happened and what has not long just ended. Did we make the play offs? Are we going to Bristol Rovers or Boreham Wood next season? And why are we asking all these questions when you probably already full well know the answers?

Eh? It's called 'setting the scene'? Load of old bollocks if you ask us. We give up. Here's Part 3.

Wednesday, 14 May 2014

2013/14 Season Review - Part 2

In part one of our thrilling, no holds barred expose of just slightly below the cutting edge of English Non-League football, we took you through another slow start, some goals, a bit of form and mentioned some drunkness. Can it continue? Do we find out what a Skrill is? Do you honestly care? Anyway, here's Part Two of the Gandermonium Season Review.

Hey! That rhymes!

Youngsters In Fine Fettes

With the season now over and despite the slightly disappointing way it finished for us U's supporters, this doesn't stop us missing the silly game we all devote probably a bit too much time and money to. And with a World Cup just over a month away, we naturally go looking for any old football to watch, just to bridge the gap inbetween. 'Cos when the WC is done, it'll be pre-season again! This is why I'm currently 'watching' Sevilla v Benfica on ITV (of all channels) as I write this. And Andy Townsend is summarising.

I can't fucking stand Andy Townsend.

Tuesday, 13 May 2014

2013/14 Season Review - Part 1

The season is over and despite finishing the season like a train, we’ve bollocksed it up at home in the play offs again and we’re all really quite depressed. So what better way to alleviate the misery than to have a read of our Season Review and re-live all the highs, the lows and the constant bollocks Richard Hill spouted all over again?

Hmmm. We're not really selling this very well are we?

Sunday, 4 May 2014


For fuck sake, I can't fuckin' believe it. Wasn't that just a fuckin' kick in the teeth or what? I feel as depressed as going on a tandem on holiday in Centre Parcs.

After 24hrs since our season came to a bitterly disappointing end, I still feel absolutely gobsmacked! With what had started as a small dream soon became a nightmare as we limped over the finish line in what will be forever seen as a disappointing end to a near successful season of 2013/14. Even writing this is starting to depress me, but I must carry on like a gambling addict in Las Vegas, and try an finish what I started.

Thursday, 1 May 2014

Rockin all Dover the World

Time check: 1655, in a mad panic I rush down the office stairs and head into the gents to change from my work clobber into my football wear for tonight's game. With time not on my side, I coat myself in the poor mans quick shower spray, a.k.a Lynx Deodrant, grab my gear and hit the streets of Leatherhead to meet the Duke at the organised rendezvous. Nope, not a glamorous pump, but Leatherhead station. I storm up the street in a military style, not giving time to those that may be in my way. Head down, and march on through.

Sunday, 27 April 2014

All Things Brighton Beautiful

Something happened at work this week that could sum up the strangeness of this member of the Firm. After two fellas couldn't work out if on Wednesday if it was St George's day or not, I simply remarked that of course it is, didn't they know? St George's day is always three days after Hitler's birthday and everyone knows that!

Tuesday, 22 April 2014

Monday Night Fever

AHOY! El Capitan Juan here again...

With the season drawing near to a close, with just two league games left to play, let's rewind the clock and go back in time for a look at the away fixture Vs Concordia Rangers! Back in August 2013, the early stages of the season. The Gandermonium Crew took a trip down to Concords ground, for what could only be described as a dire nil nil draw, reading back the report, not much to add to that other that a few drunken tweets, and of course the usual piss artist trickery the firm always get up to.

Sunday, 20 April 2014

You Lose Some, You Win Some

Easter is the time where we celebrate the resurrection of Christ and foundation of the Christian faith passed on the principals that have been laid down by God to his chosen people. More importantly its a couple of games over a weekend that can make or break a season for a team at either end of the table. That is because unlike our professional brothers in the premier league everyone else has to squeeze in a home & away match.

Sunday, 13 April 2014

An Estate Agent's Mocha Suit

Getting the nod to knock out my first home match report for Gandermonium was a proud moment as you would expect and required some proper and professional preparation and so I went out on an all day leaving do bender in Central London on Friday and woke up Saturday morning hanging by the slenderest of threads.

Tuesday, 8 April 2014

I Am The Gloryhunter

If there's one thing us Non-Leaguers hate, it's bloody gloryhunters. Be they armchair SKY TV twats who seem to wear a different replica shirt every couple of years and talk down to you because your games aren't on telly or the annoying know nothing once in a blue moon mob who turn up on the odd occasion we have something like a big game.

Sunday, 6 April 2014

Poetic Justice, Innit?

M-I-C-K-E-Y M-O-U-S-E Murder Squad! Murder Squad!

Today was the day a certain dream ended. And yet another dream continues to flourish as we fast approach the end of another crackin' season under our lord Dos.

Friday, 4 April 2014

Night of a Thousand Corners

Here we go ladies & gents. We're finally coming out of the last bend and we can see the finish line off in the distance, down the end of the final straight of season 2013\2014. And what a bend it's been, with three home games inside 6 days and a visit to Maidenhead still to come making 4 matches in a 7 day week. And to think those Premier League ponces cry about having to endure half that. Some people need to open a nice can of 'Man the fuck up' methinks.

Wednesday, 2 April 2014

Cars and Pints and Pains

"Absence makes the heart grow fonder"

A wise man once told me,that. I guess like anything these days, you can fall in and out of love with it. Like foota, it can give you highs, and it can give you lows. Of late I think it's been more lows with all these draws, have we hit our peak for the season, are all these rescheduled games starting to take their toll. Only time will tell. It's not all bad though. We are still up there, still sitting in the Play Offs , so I've got no problem with that. It's just a real shame that if we pushed a little harder in the games following the destruction of Bromley a few weeks back, we could have contested the title. But facing facts, I think a Play Off position will suit us for now.

Tuesday, 1 April 2014

This Love Is Not For Cowards

"It's only a game!"

Come on, if you're a football fan of any standing you must have heard this phrase uttered at least once. Usually by a non-fan in response to you moaning about how shit your team were at the weekend. Or how being 12 points adrift of safety is leaving you clinically depressed. Or that the title charge that seemed so unstoppable a few weeks back is now in tatters after you've lost 3-0 at home to the bottom side.

Sunday, 30 March 2014

All About Scoring, Innit?

With three home games to squeeze into this week and a possible Youth cup final to attend to, things here at the Führerbunker are liable to go a little ka-ka. Juan is still MIA/grounded, so hopefully Taz might be helpful if it takes his mood. And shut the front door, I actually got my old Nokia phone back, fixed and with an intact screen. This does mean that no doubt my camera will now get broken again.

Wednesday, 26 March 2014

A Pressure Sensitive Adhesive

It was the second week of March last time around I believe. This year it seems that it is the third week. And just when you begin to start to think that maybe there will be a late surge for the title, Boom, it's gone like a whisper in the wind. So here we have the Duke's rather sombre and sober affair down in the wildernesses of the stockbroker belts of Surrey.

Sunday, 23 March 2014

The Beer Hunter

Well that was a kick in the teeth and then some. Its a bit like every once in a while you find a golden egg. And when you bend down to pick up this golden egg someone comes behind you and kick you right up the arse! It also might've been the earliest I've ever returned home as the clock showed that it was still Saturday.

The Coach That Came in from the Cold

A later start on Saturday morning for the fans travelling via the Coaches put on by the Board for the trip down to Dorchester. Myself being somewhat of an eager beaver when it comes to Saturday mornings, my internal alarm clock decided to wake me up at the crack of dawn. Which wasn’t such a bad thing after all, as the night before I had failed to get the gear ready for the day’s adventure.  Bag grabbed off the hook, and I threw in the latest copy of GQ magazine for some light reading material for the journey, as well as the two flags lent to me via the Editor in Chief, and I was pretty much set for the journey.

Wednesday, 19 March 2014

The Long Good Tuesday.

It’s been a fair while since I’ve written up one of these match report, type things. So yep you’re stuck with me for this one! A little inspiration required...

"It's not enough that we do our best; sometimes we have to do what's required." -Sir Winston Churchill.

A quick call in to Duke this fine evening, to remind me, how this thing works, and what it is we have to do exactly. Duke then tells me he can’t talk for too long, as he needs to grab some clobber and head off down the cobbles to play with some kids for 90 minutes. I dunno, something about you at times Mr Duke is very, very wrong! So off he plods to go watch the Youth play down at Coldsore/Gestapo/ Mini Hitler Avenue to take in a Youth Game.

Sunday, 16 March 2014

Don't Drag My Testicles Into This

I think it was the sniggering of the manager of Weatherspoons as the conversation descended into the realms of debauchery that finally had us reach our eventful end of another very long day in the pursuit of eternal happiness. I can't really recall how we ended up discussing having ones nuts on a silver platter and this leading to an argument over if the said plate was heated or not. But I can assure you that no doubt I will be reminded of it on Tuesday.

Sunday, 9 March 2014

Bursting the Farneybubble

Farnborough.  Say it quietly and keep it yourself but I'm going to tell you something. I fucking hate Farnborough.  That I suspect is why I am writing this report with a clear head, early on a Sunday morning when your usual correspondents would still be jammed under the duvet while the room spins around their nut.

Thursday, 6 March 2014

Can WE play YOU every week?

I can't believe it,
Didn't see that one coming!

For a considerable amount of time (about ten minutes) I had fretted over how I was going to start this edition of the blog. Was I going to mention some of the crazy birthday presents I received? Or was I going to name and shames those amongst you who didn't congratulate me on my special day? That reminds me someone did text me late by one day! But forget all that, because as I did comment in the executive car heading east, it all depends on the game.

Sunday, 2 March 2014

Game dull. Dundo smash!

Hello readers! Me again. As it was Dukey's birthday, I offered to cover reporting duties for this week so he could enjoy the festivities without having to worry about providing entertaining content for you. That and I didn't want him leaving out anything juicy from the drunken stupidity that would no doubt ensue. As you can tell, trust is something we value highly here at Gandermonium.

And besides, with Juan unable to secure an usupervised day release from HMP Missus for a second week running, it's not like I had much choice in the matter.

Sunday, 23 February 2014

Terminating the Turtles in the Terminus

One day,
Maybe one day.

We here at Gandermonium and in The Firm will get someone to video tape a whole day's exploits on one of our booze cruises. Not just so we can pawn our wares out of a carrier bag or the back of a Ford Cortina like the dodgy diamond geezers were are. Or maybe that we could drag it out every time we want to remember the old days when we're all dribbling drunks in some falling down decrepit NHS nursing home. But simply put it is because we never seem to remember a fuckin' thing!

Friday, 21 February 2014


When you decide to go to a new place abroad, you usually do some sort of research. Is it a shithole? What are the bars & restaurants like? How much is a pint etc etc. And we here at Gandermonium are no different (come on, bar research is VERY important!), so when Juan suggested we slope on over to sunny Serbia later this year for a game, we of course wanted to know what the deal is. Mainly as all we could tell you about the place is the names of several of the 1991 Red Star Belgrade side, that NATO bombed the fuck out of it in the late 90's and they've produced one or two war criminals.

Thursday, 20 February 2014

Ferry Nice!

Eh? Whassat? We're playing games again? Godammit! Just as we're getting used to doing other stuff with our unexpected time off recently, we're now having to put all those interesting grown up things to one side again until May and go back to watching Non-League football and getting boozed. 

Oh if we really must....

Tuesday, 18 February 2014

The youth of today

...are the future of tomorrow!

It’s been a while since I’ve scribbled down some notes about a game of football, and all the other shenanigans that go with it, well mainly drunk stories to be honest.  I thought it best to pull my finger out, and get myself back on here, and put together some kind of input! Let’s be honest Dukey looks as though he may be starting to lose weight from all the typing he’s been doing of late. HA!

Sunday, 16 February 2014

I'll Never Forget Whats'ername

Can't believe it, we actually have a game!  I like most people thought that once again thanks to the weather we would not be seeing the boys at home again until March. But lo and behold we've managed to appease the weather gods for at least five minutes and get some respite. So with the posh people skiing in France and the poor people getting battered by the wind and the rain the visitors for today's clash of the titans were Weston-Super-Mare.

Sunday, 9 February 2014

One Robbie Pe-thick - One from the Archives

With the now customary shit wet winter weather once more cleaving it's way through the non-league programme, it means another journey back in time for us here at Gandermonium and an archive report to help fill the gap. Still, it's not all bad after Totts bit on the Ressies and 3G from yesterday.

So we fire up the Gandemonium time machine, a 1983 Datsun Cherry (have you seen how much Delorean's cost?), race to 28mph (much better on juice than getting to 88) to blast back to January 2005 and a weekender in sunny Portsmouth.

Saturday, 8 February 2014

Fred Gee Pitches In

Once more, mother nature has decided that we are not able to witness 22 semi-pro footballers stumbling about on a bit of wet grass, with the seemingly never ending deluge meaning our trip to Bromley was wiped out this morning by what could only be described as 'a fuckload' of overnight rain. Shame really, as 1st v 4th was looking like it could be a tasty clash and with a decent crowd to boot.

So, somewhat in need of some content that isn't Taz's ancient tat from the old Gandermonium site (don't worry, you'll be getting some of that as well later!) we sent Totts, our newest member of the team, down to check out the Ressies at Tooting, being played on that there new fangled 3G stuff. Mainly as it would give him a break from making the tea round here at HQ and also because none of the rest of us could be arsed. I mean, have you seen the bloody weather lately??

Wednesday, 5 February 2014


Who would've thought that coming into February that we would only manage to play two games since the end of last year. Well that fellas is a "statement of fact" and for a match that was supposed to be played back a mere seventeen weeks (four months like) ago, our trip tonight is going to be on the south coast against Gosport Borough.

Back around last season when we at the Firm had been informed that Gosport we coming up to the Conference South, the hope was that it was going to be a nice bank holiday weekend trip with a little drunken ferrying involved. Unfortunately the powers that be at Conference HQ had conspired to give us a midweek trip no matter what, and the chance to see how many drinks we could consume on the ferry has already set sailed for this season.

Sunday, 2 February 2014

Magpie Malarkey - One from the Archives

Rain, blah blah, match postponed, blah blah, wish we'd played more games September\October time blah blah, 3G pitches aren't the future yadda yadda, fixture pile ups bollocks bollocks.

Yes ladies & gents, it's winter time here in the United Kingdom and everywhere people in the world of Non-League football are looking to the sky and wondering "When the fuck will it stop raining?" closely followed by "Isn't playing three times a week in semi-pro football FUN?".

So, with shit weather the order of the day, it's time for some more archive fun. And to help alleviate the mass onslaught of Seasonal Affective Disorder, we're off to the seaside in September 2004 for a trip to Dorchester.

Sunday, 26 January 2014

Can you Streak at a Youth Game?

Ah a nice cup of tea.......

Just the answer as I shuffle around in my command centre.

The problem/benefit to the drinking the Firm partakes in, is that for me I don't get hangovers (much to the disgust of someone!). That is not to say that I don't fell the effects of a couple of sherries, a case of the old two bobs is always called for on a sunny morning like this.

Sunday, 19 January 2014

Morecambe, but definitely not Wise... - One from the Archives

Another postponement, another dull old archive report. This weather is a bit of a pisser really. I think we'll need to have a word with the league about this 3G pitch stuff, as if we're going to get 3-4 weeks off every winter because of our new found monsoon season we seem to be getting we're gonna run out of archive stuff pretty quickly. We hope you like this one as I had to shift the Smugometer out of the way in the basement earlier to get to it. No fun when you've been on the piss two nights running, it's bloody heavy.

For today's little skip down memory lane, we're off almost as far back as we can possibly go and a somewhat lengthy trip up to Morecambe in the Conference National. Where we got soundly bummed. What fun.

Tuesday, 14 January 2014

Up Phonpei

As football fans, most of us have one thing in common. We'd quite like to have been good enough to have had a real go ourselves. And I'm not talking sunday morning stuff, as even 'tards like me can turn up and run around (ok, jog a bit) hungover on some crappy park. No I mean proper stuff. Football that people actually recognise as 'real'. From our own beloved semi-pro standard, right up to Internationals.

Now, of course, 99.99999% of us never get close to even bothering to trying to act on these dreams, let alone actually lace up some boots and have a go. Mainly because we are, deep down, probably a bit too sensible\not brave enough and know we'd never manage it. 'Cos we're shit.

Sunday, 12 January 2014

Seventeen Hours

Let me borrow just seventeen hours of your time. That is because for seventeen hours yesterday I was out and about disgracing myself on our little trip to Chelmsford.

I will have to say that when the fixtures came out in the summer one of ties you don't really look for is our trips to Essex with much enjoyment. Even though the previous trips to Melbourne Park have been entertaining with classic victories and as some in our Firm call "Top B" with the home support.

Wednesday, 8 January 2014

The Referee's a Wan... - One From the Archives

Happy Coventry Day one and all! Unless of course you hail from the aforementioned City in the Midlands. In which case, you'll probably be having a bit of a sad frowny face on, especially if you've stumbled across our twitter account today.

Now, we didn't do an archive report at the weekend for several reasons after the Gosport game was called off. The main one being I'm a lazy bastard and I couldn't make my mind up on what load of old tat to use instead. Yeah, sorry about that. 'Dedicated' was never a word used in conjunction with us here at Gandermonium, unless it involved trying to get another round in at 1 minute to last orders in a packed bar of course. Still, seeing as Dover was off tonight, we think we'd better give you something to read before you forget about us, Sutton United and football in general what with this shite weather.

Friday, 3 January 2014

A little shuffle of the deck...

Well, there have been some recent changes to personal in the last few weeks, days ,hours minutes. For those locked down to the official site and forum will have seen the updates! So over the last few weeks we first released Dean McDonald, shortly followed by our skipper and then Rivs, shortly followed by Sam Rents! So where do they all end up? Margate, seems that’s where the party is at! Still more to this than meets the eye me reckons. With Terry Brown taking the helm at Margate, he is clearly looking to re-build his old AFC Wimbledon squad, with old faces returning.  Either that or the brown envelopes are bulging at the seams.

Thursday, 2 January 2014

Saints Alive! - One from the Archives

Now, normally when we get a game called off, I'll pop down into the basement here at HQ and have a sift through some of our old records from the previous incarnation of Gandermonium to bung on here as filler. Well, this time the game called off was on New Year's Day, you know, the one that follows the evening you spent getting absolutely munted under the excuse of ushering in another year.

Well, yeah. We went and got absolutely munted at Mr X's palatial residence under the excuse of ushering in another year. So munted in fact that some of us (eg. me) only raised our heads to read the text telling us the game was off before burrowing back under our duvets until nearly 2pm. Which is why 24hrs after we'd normally do this, we're doing this.