It has been brought to our attention that whilst many of our readers thoroughly enjoy all the nonsense and tales of joy we bring you from our little corner of West Sutton, there’s a few things we say or describe in the blogs that are, to be frank, a complete fucking mystery to quite a lot of you.
So, being the friendly helpful types that we are, we’ve put together a Glossary of terms & sayings you’ll regularly find popping up in most of the tosh we put out. We hope this helps make things a tad clearer for those of you not fortunate enough to speak proper English or reside in the People’s Republic to experience this whirlwind of absolute horseshit first hand….
3G – Short for third generation, the third generation of wireless mobile telecommunications technology, albeit not available on Belly’s Phone. Also a term used to refer to a revolutionary form of artificial grass playing surfaces and utilised in FIFAUEFA Qualifiers, the Champions League and numerous leagues throughout the world, but not in the Football League. Invented by Coronation Street character, Fred Gee.
See Also: (1) Belly’s Phone (2) Fred Gee.
4 Days – Bearded Welsh Nationalist & Gandermonium Travel member. So named for the length of time he went without taking a dump on a post-season trip to Serbia.
See Also: Immortal
5 – The number of times Sutton United have won the Isthmian Premier Division Championship.
15 – The number of times Sutton United have won the Surrey Senior Cup. Dukey is still eagerly awaiting number 16, which would tie with current record holders Dulwich Hamlet. And given the recent jump in status of the club meaning we’ll now likely pay to stay out of the competition, we think he may be waiting a while.
See Also: Surrey Senior Cup.
21 – The number of points Ebbsfleet United were ahead of Sutton United FC before electing to completely Ebbsfleet it and concede the Conference South championship in 2015/16.
See Also: (1)Ebbsfleet, To. (2)Viva Las Vegas.
26 – The number of games Sutton United went unbeaten in 2015/16, causing Ebbsfleet United to completely lose their nerve and subsequently ebbsfleet the title.
See Also: (1)Ebbsfleet, To. (2)Viva Las Vegas. (3)13.
84 – The number of points achieved by Sutton United FC in the 2020/21 season, earning them the National League Championship and with it a place in the Football League for the first time in their history.
See Also: (1)Football League. (2)National League. (3)Torquay United.
Aardvark – A medium-sized, burrowing, nocturnal mammal native to Africa with a long pig like snout. Also a small mascot carried by one Sutton supporter which finds itself tossed into the air to celebrate the team scoring a goal. The mascot that is, not the supporter.
AFC Wimbledon – Famous fans run club with friends in high places whose first game was hosted at Gander Green Lane after their previous incarnation somewhat inconsiderately fucked off to Milton Keynes. Well remembered in PRoWS due to their kind donation of 300 ‘bags of sand’ following an FA Cup 3rd Round tie replay in January 2017.
See Also: (1)Bags of Sand. (2)FA Cup, The.
Against Sober Football – A lifestyle that we here at Gandermonium are completely in support of. And if you’d been to fucking Harrow midweek in January about 12 years running, you would be too.
Amber & Chocolate – The unusual colour combination worn by Sutton United FC when partaking in matches of the Association Football. Rumoured to have been selected back at the formation of the club in 1898 when the wearing of caps was de rigeur for identifying one’s team mates on the pitch and a set in these colours were the cheapest the local manufacturer had as he’d made them up for a local Cricket team who subsequently knocked him. Only one other club in the UK is known to share these colours.
See Also: Forres Mechanics.
Amber Aleman – Long term supporter of Sutton United FC and CAMRA beer officionado. Has lead many a wander around numerous towns to ensure VDT and quality of beer is of the highest calibre. Likes walking a bit too much for our tastes if we’re honest.
Anglo-Italian Cup, The – A short lived competition in the latter half of the 1970’s that pitted pissed up English lads masquerading as semi-professional footballers against mainly professional Italian Serie C clubs. Sutton United were unsurprisingly the only English winners during this phase of it’s existence, defeating Chieti in 1979 and then reaching the final on two more occasions in 1980 & 1982.
Angry Birds – A popular video game found on many modern mobile telephones and also the term used to discreetly describe that you are going for a shit. This terminology came into use after Taz revealed he mainly played said game on his phone whilst sitting on the throne. Eg. “Where’s Taz?” “Oh, he’s gone for a game of Angry Birds”
Arsenal – Mildly popular professional football club based in North London. Probably best known for their lucky win over Sutton United in the FA Cup not too long ago.
See Also: FA Cup, The
August 1962 – The last time the Bobbins won a league game at GGL. And given that we’ve not been in the same league as them for a while now or ever likely to be again, a run that will to continue for quite some time.
See Also: (1)Bobbins, The. (2)Carshalton Athletic. (3)Scummers.
Away Day – An excuse for supporters of Sutton United to consume too much alcohol whilst travelling to some god forsaken corner of the country under the premise of watching a largely terrible standard of football. Usually either classed as a ‘Leo’ or a ‘Weekender’.
See Also: (1)Leo Sayer. (2)Weekender.
Ayrton – Rhyming slang referring to the monetary sum of 10 pounds. Inspired by the famous Brazilian & World Champion Formula One driver, Ayrton Senna. Eg. “Fuck a duck! Salford must be fucking minted, they’re only charging an Ayrton to get in”
B-Team, The – A term used to refer to another regular group of travelling U’s fans who have a predeliction for £8 a night B&B’s that look like a paedo’s dormitory and pissing in Fabric Softener bottles.
Baby Squad – A lighthearted term used to describe any group of younger supporters at GGL by the older farts amongst us.
See Also: (1)Yoof, The. (2)Notorious Yoof Faction.
Back on the Shoebox Terrace Again – Wildly popular folk track by renowned artiste Comrade X, released to celebrate the U’s epic FA cup run of 2016/17. Also known as “That fucking song” due to its massive over exposure around that time. Could be heard over the PA at GGL as the teams emerged from the tunnel prior to kick off for a good period of time, before being replaced by a Sham 69 track much to Comrade X’s disgust.
See Also: (1) Comrade X.
Badlands – Term used to refer to the area occupied within the London Borough of Sutton by Carshalton. A village from the middle ages full of idiots and ne’er do wells. Also home to a crap football club.
See Also: (1)Carshalton Athletic. (2)Occupied Territories.
Bag of Sand – Cockney Rhyming slang referring to the monetary sum of 1000. Eg. “30 fucking bags a week on wages and they still Ebbsfleeted the title!”
Barrie Williams – Pipe smoking, poetry quoting English Literature teacher. And also one of the most successful managers in the history of the club. Masterminded the Anglo Italian Cup win, a Wembley final in 1981, back to back Isthmian titles, our first win over Football League opposition and of course that famous victory over Coventry in 1989. Sadly passed away in late April 2018.
See also: (1)Anglo-Italian Cup, The. (2)Coventry.
Barrow – Somewhere millions of fucking miles away from Sutton and home to a Football League club of the same name. Easily located on any map of the British Isles due to its usual proximity to the phrase ‘Here be Dragons’ writ large upon it.
Bastard League, The – An unofficial alternative name used heavily in the PROWS to refer to the National League and which refers to it’s somewhat unforgiving nature on the field. Is mostly applied when talking to those associated with a BELT to remind them this isn’t fucking Kansas anymore Dorothy.
See also: (1)BELT. (2)La Bastarda.
Bath – Beautiful old city in the South West of England dating from Roman times. Also the location of a shitload of pubs and somewhere where Sutton United FC have not lost, nor its supporters remained sober in almost as long.
Belly’s Phone – An aged mobile telephonic device that was so old it even had ‘MySpace’ available as an option under ‘Social Media’. Also occasionally used as a way of describing something that is somewhat out of date. Eg. “I think you’ll find that info is as old as Belly’s Phone mate”. The saying remains in use despite him since having replaced it with something rather more up to date & modern.
See Also: (1)Dr Bell. (2)Dukey’s Phone
BELT – A popular acronym used in Non-League circles to refer to former Football League teams that unfortunately find themselves in the unfamiliar surroundings of football outside of the top 4 divisions in England. If you are polite, then this translates as: ‘Big Ex-League Team’. The less polite and more commonly used translation in Non-League circles however is : ‘Bitter Ex-League Team’ or more likely ‘Bitter Ex-League Twats’.
Boat Race – Cockney Rhyming slang for ‘face’. Eg: “Did you see the look on that prick defender’s boat race when we bundled in that last minute winner? Fucking priceless!”
Bobbins, The – Nickname given to erstwhile neighbours and rivals Carshalton Athletic. From old Northern rhyming slang ‘Bobbins of Cotton’ meaning ‘Rotten’. Eg. “This lot are fucking Bobbins”.
See Also: (1)Scummers. (2)Carshalton Athletic.
Bollocks – A popular and extremely versatile minor profanity used here in the UK. Also commonly used to describe the content of this here blog, the quality of Sutton United’s set pieces and most of what comes out of the FA.
Borehamwood – A place north of London on the way to St Albans where popular UK soap opera Eastenders is filmed. Also contains a train station.
See Also: Borehamwood Incident, The.
Boreham Wood – A 5th tier football club renowned for the size of its support base or lack thereof, found north of London on the way to St Albans where popular UK soap opera Eastenders is filmed. Only differs from the actual place ‘Borehamwood’ in that some clever cunt put a space in the middle of the word to make two. No one knows why. Nor does anyone care. Also appears on Taz’s ‘Eastleigh List’
See Also: (1)Eastleigh List, The. (2)Borehamwood.
Borehamwood Incident, The – An unfortunate episode where a large group of Sutton United supporters were held hostage by the utter shitshow run by a bunch of fucking charlatans known as Thameslink, meaning a journey home that should have taken 70minutes in fact took around 5 hours. Much compo was paid out after a massive claim up once the hostages were freed.
See also: (1)Thameslink. (2)Borehamwood
Bornatotter – Gandermonium contributor, 1970’s expert, turnstile officionado and closest thing we have to adult supervision around here. Which is really saying something.
See also: (1)Comrade X. (2)Chairman Totts.
Boxing Day Massacre – The cheery moniker given to the events of 26th December 2003, when the Bobbins came to GGL 2nd in the league dreaming of titles etc and were promptly presented their arses on a silver platter as the currently mid-table hosts ran out 6-0 winners. Full details can be found HERE
See Also: (1)T-Shirts (2)Scummers. (3)Carshalton Athletic. (4)Bobbins, The.
Brief – A term used as slang for a ticket or pass, in the context of facilitating entry to a sporting event. Eg. “You got your brief for the big cup tie fella?”
Bruce – A commonly used forename in Australia. Also the less formal term for Mr Bruce Elliott, chairman of Sutton United FC.
See also: Elliott, Mr Bruce.
BT Pete – Chelsea supporter and now also GGL regular, formerly employed by British Telecom, although it is not known if this has any relation to his nickname or not.
Burgers – Lego obsessed small bloke, rumoured to be the worst jockey in horse racing history. Collector of Sutton United DVD and Videos. Occasional member of Gandermonium Travel.
Carshalton Athletic – Very near neighbours and our nearest geographic rivals. More commonly known by other epithets amongst the U’s faithful. Few of them polite.
See Also: (1)Scummers. (2)Bobbins, The.
Chairman Totts – Revolutionary Leader, benevolent dictator and President for Life of the People’s Republic of West Sutton. Commonly found smoking a big Lah-de-dah on the the Shoebox.
See Also: (1)Comrade X. (2)Bornatotter
Chelmsford – Home of Chelmsford City FC and a decent away day piss up with many welcoming hostelries surrounding the station. Shame the ground is so grim it would make most Eastern European football fans wince.
See also: Chelmsford, Battle of.
Chelmsford, Battle of – A fierce post match confrontation that would surely have lead to bloodshed had the antagonists not evaporated in a flash of Reebok Classic created dust the moment a gate separating them from the the antagonised parties was opened.
Chester – A lovely old city in the North West of England, containing many fine drinking establishments, making it a fine Awayday destination. Also home to Chester City FC and somewhere it is nigh on fucking impossible to obtain a sherbert in on a Saturday afternoon.
See Also: (1)Awayday. (2)Sherbert Dab.
COC – Acronym which stands for ‘Cash Out Crew’, a moniker used to describe a bunch of older reprobates who follow Sutton home and away, like a gamble, but never quite have the nerve to see it through to the very end of the contest.
See also: Keepo.
Cohiba – A brand of ‘Lah-de-Dah’ manufactured in the Republic of Cuba most favoured by Chairman Totts. Its unmistakable signature can often be detected drifting across the Shoebox at the half time interval of most home games.
See Also: (1)Lah-de-Dah. (2)Chairman Totts
Coldsore – The nickname given to Colston Avenue on which the War Memorial Ground, the home of the Bobbins, sits.
See Also: (1)Scummers. (2)Carshalton Athletic. (3)Bobbins, The. (4) Colston Avenue
Colston Avenue – The correct name of the road on which the home of the Bobbins sits.
See Also: (1)Scummers. (2)Carshalton Athletic. (3)Bobbins, The. (4) Coldsore
Comrade X – Wildly popular folkpop singer in the People’s Republic of West Sutton.
See Also: (1)Totts. (2)Chairman Totts.
Conference, GM Vauxhall – Term which a lot of people (eg. Us!) still use to refer to the Vanarama National League a good 25 years after they stopped sponsoring it.
See Also: (1)Vanarama (2)National League
Coronation Man – Long standing supporter of Sutton United and so named as he is rumoured to be patient zero here in the UK for the terrible Coronavirus plague of 2020. Either that, or he ate a manky chicken sarnie on the way to Halifax. We forget which now.
Coventry – Dull town in the midlands of England, heavily bombed by the Luftwaffe in World War Two and also home to 1987 FA Cup winners Coventry City FC who were humiliated at Sutton United FC in said tournament back in 1989, leading to the widespread popularisation of the competition.
See also: FA Cup, The.
Crockett – Sometime member of Gandermonium Travel, QPR fan, trainspotter and decorator of Non-League toilet cubicles.
DBDC – Popular acronym used to describe Dirty Barry’s Dogging Circle.
See also: Dirty Barry’s Dogging Circle.
Deacon, Roarie – Former Arsenal junior and hero of the 2015 FA Cup run who as a result left for the far more glamourous surroundings of Dundee, before briefly returning to the PRoWS in early 2019 prior to early retirement somewhere near the South Coast.
See Also: (1) FA Cup.
Desmond, A – Rhyming slang term used to describe a 2-2 scoreline. Inspired by the famous African Archbishop, Desmond Tutu. A Scoreline Sutton United are particularly fond of, especially when playing at home. Eg. “Not another fucking Desmond. And what’s worse, we were two up an’all!”
DILF Bingo – A shady and thoroughly illegal gambling game, run by the Cheam Park DILFs top boy ‘Crooked Ces’, that no one really understands the rules to, which means it rarely pays out to anyone who is under the mistaken impression they may have won. Rumour has it that you’ve more chance of bagging the Euromillions twice in a row that having a few quid out of this.
DILFs, Cheam Park – A selection of fathers who are, allegedly, rather appealing to members of the opposite sex that are not their spouses. At least, that’s what they told us anyway. Also strongly rumoured to operate a shadowy gambling syndicate involving the exchange of money for playing cards which occured on the fringes of the Shoebox on match days. Also has links to the DBDC.
See also: (1) Shoebox. (2)DBDC.
Dippy, More Managers than – A term used to describe a football club which is somewhat profilgate with the hiring and firing of first team managers. EG. “Fucking hell, Eastleigh have had more managers than Dippy!”. So named after the somewhat trigger happy Paul ‘Dippy’ Dipre, the owner of Carshalton Athletic FC who has fired about 124 managers (including himself!) in his tenure at the club.
See also: (1)Dipre, Paul. (2)Scummers. (3)Carshalton Athletic. (4)Bobbins, The.
Dipre, Paul – A gentleman who owns Carshalton Athletic FC and despite apparently working for\owning a communications company, has the basic people skills of Jabba the Hutt. Having changed their colours, badge and banned most of their fan base, he naturally is a remarkably popular figure of fun in the People’s Republic of West Sutton. Also has a penchant for writing P45’s in the same way that Stalin had for signing death warrants.
See Also: Dippy, More Managers than.
Dirty Barry – A gentleman known to engage in dubious ‘adult’ leisure pursuits when not occupying the Shoebox on matchdays at GGL and President of the PRoWS #1 Adult Leisure Society.
See Also: (1)DBDC. (2)Dirty Barry’s Dogging Circle.
Dirty Barry’s Dogging Circle – A group of individuals presided over by Shoebox regular Dirty Barry, who engage in legally dubious ‘adult’ leisure pursuits in car parks around the South East of England.
See Also: (1)DBDC. (2). Dirty Barry. (3)DILFS, Cheam Park.
Dos – Nickname of Paul Doswell, a reasonably successful former manager of Sutton United (2008-2019). Last heard of being involved with some pub side near the South Coast around Portsmouth.
See Also: Doswell, Paul.
Doswell, Paul – Wealthy property developer and reasonably successful former manager of Sutton United (2008-2019). Winner of Isthmian and National South league titles with the club, as well as helping to finance many improvements to GGL including the 3G playing surface. Last heard of being involved with some pub side near the South Coast around Portsmouth.
See also: (1)Dos.(2)GGL. (3)3G.
Dr Bell – Gandermonium travel member and erstwhile Nuclear physicist, who came to prominence with his genius plan of resolving the Fukushima Nuclear disaster by “Putting it in water”, despite this actually having been the precise cause of the fucking problem in the first place. Previously the owner of what was thought to be the oldest mobile telephonic device outside of even the remotest parts of the 3rd World.
See Also: Belly’s Phone
Duke of Hassocks, The – Title briefly bestowed upon The Duke of Sutton following his overnight stay on the platform at Hassocks station as a result of the St Albans Incident.
See Also: (1)St Albans Incident, The. (2)Dukey. (3)Duke of Sutton, The.
Duke of Sutton, The – Flat cap wearer, Gandermonium contributor, 1980’s aftershave collector, pornography officionado and formerly the worlds richest
Dustman recycling technician. Unnaturally obsessed with the Surrey Senior Cup.
See Also: (1)Dukey. (2)Duke of Hassocks, The.
Dukey – The name most commonly used to refer to the infamous Gandermonium contributor, travel member & Surrey Senior Cup addict.
See Also: (1) Duke of Sutton, The. (2) Duke of Hassocks, The.
Dukey’s Phone – An aged Microsoft Windows based mobile telephonic device that was so popular with consumers that even Facebook and Twitter stopped bothering updating their apps for it. Also occasionally used as a way of describing something that is somewhat out of date following Dr Bell replacing his own ancient handset. Eg. “I think you’ll find that info is as old as Dukey’s Phone mate”.
See Also: (1)Dukey. (2)Belly’s Phone.
Dundas, Craig – The DJ. The big man. The Bajan Baggio. The Carribean Curly Toe. Amassed 502 games and 107 goals for the club in 3 spells at the last count before ‘retiring’ to Hampton & Richmond. Twice. Club legend and a proper Non-League footballer. Also a a jolly nice chap to boot.
See Also: Dundo.
Dundo – He’s gonna get ya! Affectionate nickname given to club legend and fitness coach, Craig Dundas. Criminally denied the prestigious Ballon D’Or award on numerous occasions in recent years due to a conspiracy involving UEFA, a short Argentinian man and a rather well manicured Portugese chap. Hoping to become the oldest debutant in Football League history in the 2021/22 season.
See Also: Dundas, Craig.
Eastleigh – A former rich man’s plaything masquerading as a 5th tier football club. Roundly disliked by most proper football fans for their money powered rise to prominence, meccano kit ground and being a really shit awayday. Also lends it’s name to a growing list of places Taz refuses to ever visit again.
See also: (1). Awayday. (2)Taz. (3)Eastleigh List, The.
Eastleigh List, The – The name given to a list being compiled by Taz of locations he swears he’s never ever going to again due to them firstly being shit places for an awayday and also somewhere we almost never ever win. Which is precisely why it’s named after fucking Eastleigh.
See also: (1)Eastleigh. (2)Awayday
Ebbsfleet, To – To somehow fashion defeat from a seemingly unassailable position of strength. Eg. “Fuck a Duck, they’ve properly Ebsfleeted that!”. A phrase that came into common usage in 2015/16 after Ebbsfleet United FC shat a 21pt lead in the National League South to lose the title to everyone’s preferred winners, Sutton United FC.
See Also: (1)13. (2)Ebbsfleet United. (3)Gravesend & Northfleet. (4)Viva Las Vegas
Ebbsfleet United – A (previously) well funded football team in Kent named after a railway station with a very large car park. Also serial chokers.
See Also: (1)Ebbsfleet, To. (2)Gravesend & Northfleet. (3)13.
EIC – Editor in Chief. The unofficial title given to Taz, who runs this fucking circus, by the rest of the Gandermonium contributors. Sort of.
See also: Taz.
El Plastico – A tongue in cheek term given to the meetings between Sutton United and Maidstone United in the period where both clubs utilised state of the art artificial playing surfaces and were the first to do so in the upper echelons of the Non-League game. Likely to fall out of use now that grass has returned to Gander Green Lane.
See Also: 3G.
Elliott, Mr Bruce – Accountant and Chairman of Sutton United FC.
See also: Bruce.
Euston – A main line station in the North of London which serves far away destinations mainly to the North West of the capital and where members of the Gandermonium Travel Club can be regularly found at ridiculously early hour of a Saturday morning, getting a train to somewhere like fucking Barrow to watch 5th tier football.
See Also: (1)Kings Cross. (2)Barrow.
FA Cup, The – National knockout football competition made famous the world over by Sutton United FC beating 1st Division Coventry City in the 3rd round in 1989.
See Also: (1)Coventry. (2)Arsenal. (3)AFC Wimbledon. (4)FA, The.
FA, The – Bunch of old farts in blazers that the game of Association Football still exists and somehow runs in spite of their best efforts to keep it firmly rooted at some point in the early 1950’s.
See Also: (1)FA Cup, The. (2)FA Trophy, The.
FA Trophy, The – The premier national knockout competition for clubs playing in Steps 1–4 of the National League System. Never won by Sutton United FC despite an infamous final appearance in 1981. One that tends to draw much disdain from BELTs, yet that tends to be contested in the final by with unerring regularity over the last 10 years or so.
See Also: (1) FA, The. (2) Wembley ’81
Firm Leader, The – An alternative term used entirely by Dukey (and no one else) to refer to Gandermonium travel member, Nick the Greek.
See Also: (1)Nick the Greek. (2)Dukey.
First Man – What a lot of our crosses and set pieces delivered from wide areas seem unerringly and historically attracted to.
Forres Mechanics – Scottish Highland League side who play in the same unusual colours as our beloved Sutton United. Although they call it ‘Gold’. Whatever lads, it’s fucking Amber alright? The rest of the bond was mostly forged in alcohol, you’ll be surprised to hear.
See Also: Amber & Chocolate
Frakey – Long standing supporter and unofficial club historian. If you want to know what Sutton United were doing on a certain date back god knows when, Frakey’s the man to see. Also a big advocate of the matchday officials we have officiating our games and can be heard loudly encouraging them at most games. Recently graduated to ‘Contributor’ on these here hallowed pages.
Fred Gee – Former character in popular UK television soap ‘Coronation Street’ and inventor of a revolutionary form of artificial grass playing surfaces which are utilised in FIFAUEFA Qualifiers, the Champions League and numerous leagues throughout the world, but not in the Football League.
See Also: 3G
Football League, The – The worlds first and oldest organised football league, which was obviously so roundly unknown in the rest of the world in the 120 or so years since its formation that they felt it crucial to add the word ‘English’ to their name so as to have a seriously recognisable brand. This despite the fact they have 3 Welsh clubs in the fucking setup. A group so out of touch with the modern game, they almost make even the FA look positively grounded in reality. They have since also further stained their reputation by allowing our good selves into the setup. Mugs.
See Also: (1)3G. (2)FA, The.
Fuck – A rude word we use occasionally. Normally only when provoked.
Fuckin’ Ada – Title of a song by popular recording artistes Ian Dury and the Blockheads. Also an old PRoWS saying used to exclaim frustration or disappointment. Eg. “Fuckin’ Ada, how have we let that useless twat Denton score?”
Fuck a Duck – An old PRoWS saying used to exclaim surprise or astonishment. Eg. “Fuck a Duck! Dukey’s actually getting a round in!” or “Fuck a duck! We’re in the Football League!”
Gander Green Lane – The beautiful processional avenue running through the heart of the People’s Republic of West Sutton on which the Borough Sports Ground, home of Sutton United FC sits and the name commonly used to refer to said stadium.
See Also: (1)GGL. (2)Knights Community Stadium. (3)KCS.
Gandermonium – Short lived one issue Sutton United fanzine from the late 1980’s. Also the name of this blog. The two are not connected in any way, Taz just nicked the title. It’s ok, he got permission. Sort of.*
*Several years later.
GGL – The more common term by which Gander Green Lane is known.
See Also: (1)Gander Green Lane. (2)Knights Community Stadium.
Ginger Suite – The term used to describe a room in a hotel or B&B occupied by both Taz and Dr Bell on a Gandermonium weekender.
See Also: (1)Taz. (2)Dr Bell. (3) Weekender.
Grass – Vegetation consisting of typically short plants with long, narrow leaves, growing wild or cultivated on lawns and pastures. Also the basis of the surface on which the Football League demands all its matches be contested upon, despite the fact that their latest match ball was released to much fanfare and using a video that showed it clearly being used on a 3G artificial surface.
See Also: (1)3G. (2)Fred Gee.
Gravesend & Northfleet – The original and correct name for a football team in Kent now named after a railway station with a very large car park.
See Also: (1)Ebbsfleet United. (2)Ebbsfleet, To.
Gray, Matt – Manager of Sutton United, appointed to replace Paul Doswell at the end of the 2018-19 Season. Bald. Definitely not the other Matt Gray who used to play for us under John Rains in the early 2000’s. Also the man who surprised literally every living being on planet Earth by guiding Sutton United to the National League title in April 2021 and a place in the Football League.
See Also: (1)Doswell, Paul.(2)Dos.
Hackbridge Harry – Shadowy character and online nemesis of Bornatotter, who can often be found regularly baiting the PRoWS head of state on Twitter with Poundshop ‘Cold War Steve’ type memes. Also a supporter of local rivals Tooting & Mitcham United.
See Also: (1) Tooting & Mitcham United. (2) Bornatotter. (3) PRoWS, The.
Harrow Borough – Dull & sparsely supported West London suburban club who have never left the Isthmian Premier, even after winning it. Usually visited midweek in January. Also prone to heavily watering pitches when not required to do so, thus wasting everyone’s fucking time.
Hawkes, Chesney – One hit wonder who had a #1 single in 1991 with the song “The One and Only”. Mentioned here more as a warning because Robbo is a massive fan and continually plays said fucking song at least twice a week at home games on the jukebox. Sorry about that.
See Also: Robbo
Home Games – Something to be endured whilst you wait for the next Awayday.
Immortal – The sense of wellbeing felt by those who travelled to Serbia on a Gandermonium football and beer weekender and managed not to die in any number of ways.
See Also: Weekender
Indiana Jones – Fedora wearing Gandermonium travel member. Offspring and former bodyguard of Sean Connery’s Stuntman.
See Also: Sean Connery’s Stunt Man
Irish Pete – He’s Irish, he’s called Pete, he’s Irish Pete. Irregular supporter, sometime awayday crew member and half decent Dublin pub guide.
Irn Bru Cup, The – The name briefly given to the ‘Scottish Challenge Cup’. As the name suggests, it is an association football competition arranged for the lesser lights of Scottish football. And Irish. And Welsh. And Northern Irish. Oh and English. Which is why we seemingly wound up involved in this madness. Good fun though! Now named after some Scottish confectionary.
Isthmian League – Predominantly South East based football league Sutton United have played in the longest during their history and one they hope never to play in again. Certainly in our lifetimes anyway.
See Also: (1)5. (2)Harrow Borough
JC – Legendary former title winning skipper and consumate athlete. Jamie Collins. Now retired and
working on the DLR playing for Havant.
Jenny the Giraffe – World famous & much loved mascot of Sutton United FC. Why has a non-league team in a dull South London suburb got a Giraffe as a mascot you ask? Fucked if we know…
Justice! – A term that can occasionally be heard emanating loudly from the mouth of Dukey when something actually goes our way on the field of play or at the point one of his increasingly bizarre ‘facts’ cannot be disproved without calling on a bank of experts and legal minds, or a quick Google.
See Also: (1)Dukey. (2)Duke of Sutton, The.
Keepo – Long time supporter of Sutton United FC and a member of the COC’s supporters group. Has a beard.
See Also: COC
Kings Cross – An area of Northern London which used to be well known as a hotspot of houses of ill repute and other such sordid things. Now gentrified to within an inch of its life, it is now mostly known as the home of a main line station which serves far away destinations mainly to the North East of the capital and where members of the Gandermonium Travel Club can be regularly found at ridiculously early hour of a Saturday morning, getting a train to somewhere like fucking Hartlepool to watch 5th tier football.
See Also: Euston.
Kingstonian – Football club once of the town of Kingston but now based with the considerably more palatable & local-to-Kingston Corinthian Casuals following a brief spell stuck some miles away in Leatherhead. This after they ‘lost’ their ground due to massive mis-management on their part leaving them open to an asset stripper who then flogged said ground to a reformed AFC Wimbledon. Also apparently deadly rivals of ours, despite no one in the London Borough of Sutton remembering them ever being so within living memory.
See Also: AFC Wimbledon.
Knights Community Stadium – An alternative name briefly used for The Borough Sports Ground, Gander Green Lane after a company gave us lots of money for the purpose (2017-2019). Only ever used to refer to said venue by the club in official communications and the occasional oddball on the forum and absolutely no one else.
See also: (1)GGL. (2)Gander Green Lane. (3)KCS.
La Bastarda – Another unofficial alternative name used at GGL to refer to the National League, which both refers to it’s somewhat unforgiving nature on the field and mildly mocks the BELT’s anguished cries of foul play when yet another small Non-League side rocks up and bludgeons them into submission in their own back yard. Eg: “It ain’t La Liga mate, this is La Bastarda”.
See Also: (1)Bastard League, The. (2)BELT.
Lah-de-Dah – Cockney Ryhming slang for a Cigar. Commonly seen hanging out of Chairman Totts mush on the Shoebox on special occasions as well as most home games.
See Also: (1)Shoebox. (2)Chairman Totts. (3)Cohiba.
Later than Thameslink – A term used to describe something that is not running according to schedule or is poorly timed. Eg. “Fucking hell ref, that challenge was later than Thameslink!”.
See also: (1)Thameslink. (2)Borehamwood Incident, The.
Leeds United – Nationally popular football club from Yorkshire that put out their reserves in a live televised 4th Round FA Cup tie at Sutton United and got fucking beat.
See Also: FA Cup, The.
Leo Sayer – A recording artiste most popular in the 1970’s and 80’s, with hits such as ‘You Make Me Feel Like Dancing’. Also a rhyming slang term for ‘All Dayer’ used by Gandermonium travel members to describe an awayday that will involve travelling to and returning from in the same 24 hour period. Eg. “Are we doing a weekender in Barrow or is it just a Leo?”
Loffers – A girl (yes, we DO know some of those thank you!) and sometime Gandermonium Travel member who is solely responsible for Brexit, HS2 and whatever other Whitehall government fuckery we can dream up.
London Borough of Sutton – A borough located to the South West of the city and forms part of Outer London. It covers an area of 43 square km and is the 80th largest local authority in England by population. Also home to Sutton United FC, the Bobbins and is where the People’s Republic of West Sutton can be found.
See Also: (1)Sutton United FC. (2)Bobbins, The. (3)People’s Republic of West Sutton, The.
Magnum PI – Private investigator (obviously!) and regular member of the Gandermonium travel club, usually when he’s not ‘playing’ Cricket or on a stakeout somewhere trying to track down some undesirable. Available at very reasonable rates of £100+VAT per job. Doesn’t have a Ferrari. Or a moustache. Also Gandermonium Social Secretary.
Melvilles – A company providing taxi services found at the top end of the town of Sutton, South London. The most popular venue for obtaining a sherbet after stumbling out of O’Niells at 2am.
See Also: Sherbert Dab.
Motto – A short sentence or phrase chosen as encapsulating the beliefs or ideals of an individual, family, or institution. In the case of Gandermonium, ours is: “No man left behind! (Unless mutually inconvenient to the rest of the group)”.
Mumford & Sons – A popular faux-folk music act from the Wimbledon area. Also a tongue in cheek term used to refer to ‘popular’ South London Non-League club Dulwich Hamlet on account of their recently acquired and somewhat beardy, left-wing, hipster following.
Nat – Yet another girl known to the Gandermonium crew. Nurse, awayday regular and arguably nightclub chain Popworld’s number two customer. Usually found downing Jeagerbombs with Ossie.
See Also: Ossie.
National League, The – A haphazardly run league encompassing the top 2 tiers of Non-League football in England and one that is deeply distrusted by at least 50% of it’s member clubs.
See Also: (1)Vanarama. (2)Conference, GM Vauxhall. (3)Non-League.
Nigels – A light hearted term used to describe South London’s dullest club, Crystal Palace. Eg. “I see the Nigels lost again, how many’s that now?”. We understand this term is also used for them by members of the Millwall fraternity and this is purely coincidental. We genuinely did both just think up the same dull mens name to use in reference to them.
Non-League – The term used in England to describe the football competitions not involving the top 4 divisions. Also the level of football at which Sutton United currently plays. Can also be used in a derogative sense by clubs in those top 4 divisions as being something akin to the 10th level of hell or no better than Sunday morning park football. The truth is actually somewhere in between and something we like to remind those of who’ve fallen on hard times.
Non-League Day – A slightly patronising, but well meaning date in the footballing calendar where Premier League ‘fans’ are encouraged to go and watch shite football as their stuff is being interrupted by yet another round of pointless International Friendlies.
Notorious Youth Faction – The name given to the younger, vocal ‘element’ of the U’s support base. All stickers, cheap Wetherspoons lager and pyro this lot.
Occupied Territories – Another term used to refer to the area within the London Borough of Sutton that constitutes Carshalton. A village from the middle ages full of idiots and ne’er do wells. One day the PROWS will strike out from its fortified borders and crush the forces of darkness that befoul those lands, freeing these simple, oppressed people.
See Also: Badlands.
Orient, Leyton – Middling East London football club that has spend the majority of its existence in the lower echelons of the Football League and following after a couple of years mismanagement by a mad Italian owner suddenly found themselves slumming it with us Non-Leaguers. Of course, like all those before them, they were far too big for that level, wouldn’t be stopping long and absolutely fucking hated it when your insignificant outfit beats them.
See Also: (1)Football League, The. (2)Non-League.
Ossie – Another girl known to the Gandermonium crew. Beachcomber, awayday regular and arguably nightclub chain Popworld’s number one customer. Usually found downing Jeagerbombs with Nat.
See Also: Nat.
People’s Republic of West Sutton, The – A benevolent dictatorship which rose up and won it’s freedom, overthrowing the evil & shadowy powers controlling the region from the Sutton Civic Centre. A true image of paradise, currently governed by Chairman Totts.
See Also: (1)PRoWS. (2)Chairman Totts.
Pete the Perv – Gandermonium Travel member and sometime organiser. Not really a Perv if we’re honest. He’s definitely called Pete though. Currently engaged in a lengthy dispute with members of the Gandermonium collective over his given nom de plume. But seeing as it was Dukey who christened him thus, he’s got absolutely fuck all chance of winning that particular battle.
Piegate – One of the greatest scandals of the 21st century, which widely featured on the front page of numerous UK tabloids in the aftermath of a fat lad eating a pastie (not a pie) on the bench during the Arsenal FA Cup tie. The big deal being that an online betting company who also happened to be sponsoring our shirts for that particular occasion were offering odds of 8/1 that said fat lad would do exactly that. Him doing so broke a number of FA rules relating to players\staff involvement in betting and resulted in his dismissal. Said charges brought for the offence took the FA precisely one year to resolve. Very timely. Also, to our eternal delight and gratitude, now the main thing anyone ever remembers 120+ year old football club Sutton United FC for.
See Also: (1)FA Cup, The. (2)Arsenal. (3)Shaw, Wayne.
Pink Lint – Cockey rhyming slang for ‘Skint’. As in no money. Many Non-League clubs could fall under this particular description.
Plough, The – Until recently, a much maligned public house situated opposite the Borough Sports ground on Gander Green Lane. Now closed forever after a very brief resurrection. Currently being converted into flats & other housing, much to Totts chargrin.
PRoWS, The – Acronym commonly used to refer to the People’s Republic of West Sutton.
See Also: People’s Republic of West Sutton, The.
Pyle Brook – The magnificent waterway that glides through the People’s Republic of West Sutton. Very similar in manty ways to the Nile, Amazon or Ganges. Mostly in that it too, like them, contains water.
Pyramid, The – A term used to describe the structure of Non-League football in England. No one is 100% sure if this refers to the way the leagues are stacked from the top down or in reference to a certain business model that recruits members via a promise of payments or services for enrolling others into the scheme, rather than supplying investments or sale of products or services. We’ll get back to you on this if we ever find out.
See Also: Non-League
Qualifying Rounds – The early parts of both main FA Competitions which Sutton United partake in and that they most commonly enter at.
See Also: (1)FA Cup, The. (2)FA Trophy, The.
Run, The – A term used to describe the period between 14th November 2015 and 30th April 2016 where Sutton United FC remained unbeaten for 26 league games, resulting in full advantage being taken of a Kent based team ebbsfleeting the National League South title race and earning promotion to the National League in their place.
See Also: (1)Ebbsfleet, To. (2)26. (3)13. (4)Viva Las Vegas
Robbo – Gandermonium Contributor, awayday regular, shit reality TV watcher and Chesney Hawkes fan. A-Level in English apparently.
See Also: Hawkes, Chesney
SCR – Acronym used to refer to the U’s tenants at GGL, Combined Counties club Sutton Common Rovers, who returned to their home borough once the U’s had laid their magical rubber scented carpet to play on.
Scummers – One of many light hearted epithets given to our near neighbours, Carshalton Athletic.
See Also: (1)Bobbins. (2)Carshalton Athletic.
Sean Connery’s Stuntman – Gandermonium travel member and Newcastle solo explorer. Father of Indiana Jones. Sadly left us to reside in the great pub in the sky in back November 2019. Still, this at least that means we now know precisely where the old git is at all times…
See Also: Indiana Jones.
Shaw, Wayne – One time goalkeeping coach at GGL and eater of a pastry based product during the widely televised Arsenal FA Cup tie, triggering a scandal known as ‘Piegate’. Eventually received a 3 month ban from all football activities a year after the event due to the fact an online betting company sponsoring our shirts for that particular occasion were offering odds of 8/1 that he would do exactly that. Now the only thing anyone remembers about that cup run in which we beat L2, L1 and Championship opponents and bowed out live on prime time TV in front of 100 million people. We’re not bitter.
See also: Piegate.
Sherbet Dab – Cockney Rhyming slang for Cab. A taxi. Eg. “Christ I’m pissed, best get myself a sherbet home”. Usually obtained from ‘Melvilles’ after stumbling out of O’Niells and driven by Sutton’s most eligible Afghan in our case. Also extremely hard to obtain after a match in the Northern city of Chester.
See Also: Melvilles
Shoebox, The – A small bit of terracing found on the far side of the Borough Sports Ground, inhabited by all sorts of wrong’uns, ne’er do well’s and ruffians. Also coincidentally where most of us stand to watch home games. Known for it’s fruity vocabulary and vast encouragement offered to nearby linespersons regardless of scoreline. Now also the subject of a piece of fine art. Sadly demolished on 16th June 2021 following the U’s promotion to the Football League.
See Also: Back on the Shoebox Terrace Again.
Slipper – The name given to the kind of food obtainable from a tea bar at a Non-League ground in England, most commonly a hamburger. Or at least what is supposed to be one. So called due to it having the same taste and texture as a slipper, which in the UK is a rubber soled soft shoe worn around the house by elderly persons.
Slutton – Hilarious nickname given to the dull South London suburban town which is home to Sutton United FC and sometimes the clubteam itself. Our sides never cease to split when we hear this one such is it’s timeless nature.
See Also: (1)Sutton. (2)Sutton United FC
Southampton Steve – Regular Gandermonium travel member and occasional contributor. As his name suggests, he is Saints fan living locally who originally came to a game in 2014 to swap Panini stickers with Taz and a few others, got pissed and er….never really left! Also helped create the version 3.0 site you are now reading.
Spennymoor Incident, The – A truly shocking scandal in 2018 where Bromley FC royally fucked up the paperwork for one of their loan players who had faced us in an FA Trophy tie, which they subsequently won and were due to face North Eastern side Spennymoor Town in the next round as a result. They were then ignominiously turfed out of said competition by the FA when our Secretary questioned the paperwork, which of course meant that the fact their bloke couldn’t fill a fucking form in correctly was in some way our fault and made us ‘grasses’. Naturally, we lost the game at Spennymoor 3-0. So it was all very much worth it.
See Also: FA Trophy
Spennymoor Pete – A North Eastern native now exiled here in the civilised South and Spennymoor Town FC’s London Supporters Branch who has taken to visiting GGL to take in our fine brand of free flowing football get pissed with all us idiots after becoming impressed with our levels of intake pre and post-FA Trophy match in his home town. A game which came about as a result of the infamous ‘Spennymoor Incident’.
See Also: Spennymoor Incident, The.
Splosh, Cup of – A term used to describe the sort of hot beverage, usually tea, that you can acquire from the average Tea Bar at a Non-League ground in England. The perfect accompaniment to a slipper.
See Also: Slipper
Spoons – A slang term used to refer to the large chain of cheap, identikit pubs known as ‘Wetherspoons’. These are mainly frequented due to their agreeable beer prices (for the Yoof and Dukey!) and the fact they’re usually the only place open before 12 on awaydays.
See Also: (1)Dukey. (2)Yoof, The.
St Albans Incident, The – An unfortunate event involving an away game in St Albans, a fuckload of beer and unconciousness which resulted in several Gandermonium stalwarts finding themselves scattered across various locales in the county of East Sussex, such as Gatwick, Hassocks and Brighton. The full gory details of this heartbreaking tale can be found HERE
See Also: Duke of Hassocks, The.
Stickers – Something that can usually be found dotted widely around your town, mostly in public house lavatories, after Sutton United have visited on a Saturday afternoon. Something that Taz is also a big fan of spotting and collecting.
Surrey Senior Cup, The – The premier senior footballing knockout competition for the English county of Surrey and lifelong obsession of Dukey’s. One that Sutton United FC now exclusively stick out the kids for, much to Dukey’s great annoyance as we sit one win behind record holders Dulwich.
See also: 15.
Sutton – Dull South London suburban town and also seemingly the centre of the known universe given the amount of fucking people we meet all over the world who have either lived there at some point or have some other random connection to the place. Also home to Sutton United Football Club.
See Also: (1)Slutton. (2)PRoWS. (3)Sutton United FC.
Sutton Slut Club – A secretive and exclusive invitation only members club from the 70’s which prided itself on wooing as many young ladies as possible. Currently inactive. Rumoured to have been presided over by Wellie, occasional member of Gandermonium Travel.
See Also: Wellie.
Swim, The – Colloquial term used to describe being within a group of people for the purposes of socialising. Eg: “Tell you what, there’s some proper old boats in the swim today!”
See Also: Boat Race
T-Shirt – A popular & commonly worn garment worldwide, the base of which was used by Taz to produce a limited number to commemorate a damn good hiding handed out to the Bobbins in 2003. The full story of this earth shattering event can be found HERE
See Also: Boxing Day Massacre, The.
Tat – Term used to describe cheaply made, cheap to purchase trinkets from less than well regarded merchants. A term that almost certainly does not apply to the sort of merchandise produced by popular Non-League fan site Gandermonium.
Taz – Editor in Chief of this publication and potty mouthed person who drinks & shouts too much at football. Also started and ran the original Gandermonium between 1998 and 2008.
See also: EIC.
Ton – Cockney Rhyming slang referring to the monetary sum of 100 Pounds stirling. Also the level of expenditure on a Saturday at which Dukey usually proclaims his displeasure on an awayday. Eg. “Fucking hell, another ton done!”.
See Also: Dukey.
Tooting & Mitcham United – Non League football club and the second biggest rivals of Sutton United FC behind the Bobbins. Currently in the umpteenth year of a 7 year plan to reach the Football League and a division lower than where they started. Also the favoured team of ‘Hackbridge Harry’.
See Also: Hackbridge Harry
Torquay United – A largely & historically unsuccessful BELT from the town made exclusively famous by the television comedy ‘Fawlty Towers’. Also the side that Ebsfleeted the National League title, allowing some bunch of rag tag Non-League shite to claim one of the two much prized Football League places the National League offers. That’ll be us by the way.
See Also: (1)BELT. (2)Ebbsfleet, To. (3)National League. (4)Football League.
Thameslink – An utter shitshow run by a bunch of fucking charlatans that unfortunately provides the People’s Republic of West Sutton’s rail links to the outside world. Renowned for their timekeeping, reliability and honesty or lack therein.
See Also: (1)Borehamwood Incident, The. (2)Later than Thameslink.
U’s, The – The official and wonderfully imaginative nickname of Sutton United. Completely unique to the club and definitely not used by any other Association Football clubs in England, like Colchester. Or Oxford. Or Cambridge.
Uber – A popular ride sharing app available in most large towns that can be used to rustle up a sherbert for that last minute dash to the ground from the pub for kick off on an awayday. Well, all except Chester that is.
See Also: (1)Sherbert Dab. (2)Awayday. (3)Chester.
Up North – A term used to describe most of the Awaydays in the National League,certainly those beyond Borehamwood. Eg: “The refs are always bent as fuck up north!”
See Also: National League, The.
Vanarama – A vehicle leasing company that produces TV adverts that look like they cost less than a grand to make. Also current sponsors of the National League.
See Also: National League, The.
Viva Las Vegas – Title of a song by popular musician Elvis Presley. Also a refrain that can be heard from opposition supporters aimed towards Ebssfleet players & fans thanks to the team booking a title winning trip to said Nevada city before first ebbsfleeting a 21pt lead at the top to surrender the title and then missing out on promotion entirely by subsequently losing in the playoffs to Kent rivals Maidstone.
See Also: (1)Ebbsfleet United. (2)Ebbsfleet, To. (3)21. (4)Run, The.
Wales – Small province in the West of the United Kingdom favoured by 4 Days and whose people are roundly subjigated by the nefarious plots and schemes of the evil English regime in Whitehall. Or at least so he tells us. Also home to former National League colleagues, Wrexham.
See Also: (1)4 Days. (2)Wrexham
Wall, The – What most of our attacking free-kicks taken in the opponents final third tend to hit.
See Also: First Man
Weekender – Term used to describe an away game which will encompass a time period of greater than 24 hours and involves an overnight stay. Eg: “Do a weekender in Eastleigh? Are you fucking mad?”
See Also: Awayday.
Wellie – Long time supporter of the U’s, one of the Anglo Italian crew who followed the U’s to Italy in ’79 and rumoured to be a former President of the ‘Sutton Slut Club’. Also partial to a dash of Scotch on his Cornflakes.
See Also: (1)Sutton Slut Club, The. (2)Anglo-Italian Cup, The.
Wembley ’81 – The title of a song often sung by supporters of Bishop’s Stortford FC when facing the U’s, referring to an extremely fortunate last minutes victory in the FA Trophy Final at Wembley in 1981. An event also usually referred to on every page of their match day programme (even the listed line ups on the back page) whenever we visit them.
See Also: FA Trophy, The.
Wrexham – Place in the Welsh borders and home to Wrexham AFC of the National League. Formerly a Football League club, but that was so long ago now, no one can remember exactly when they last played in it. An awayday well liked by the Gandermonium mob purely for being possibly the cheapest drink up in Britain.
See Also: (1)National League. (2)Wales.
X, Mr – A mysterious, shadowy individual and Gandermonium travel member whose true identity is kept a closely guarded secret. No one knows why, nor really cares. Also employed mainly as Gandrmonium’s Travel Secretary, a postion he is mostly successful in. Has only purchased awayday train tickets for the wrong date on two occasions.
Yoof, The – Short method sometimes used to refer to the Notorious Youth Faction of the support at Sutton United FC. Has also been applied to many a group of young supporters down the years.
See Also: (1)Notorious Youth Faction. (2)Baby Squad.
Yellows, Come on you – A chant regularly heard from supporters of Sutton United whilst supporting the team. This is despite the fact the club plays in Amber and Chocolate.
Zebra – The name given to several species of African equids, united by their distinctive black and white striped coats. Their stripes come in different patterns, unique to each individual. And they are only appearing here as we have nothing else to put for the letter ‘Z’ and someone had asked us “Don’t you have anything for ‘Z’ then?”. Sorry.