Sunday, 29 December 2013

Siam: There's more to it than just ladyboys!

He drinks a Whiskey drink,
He drinks a Vodka drink,
He drinks a Lager drink,

He drinks a Cider drink.

After only two days since our win against the Ding, we are once again back in action at the place where I, the Duke, nearly lost his phone a mere thirteen months back.

Friday, 27 December 2013

Parental advisory required: This post lacks alcohol....

Good evening religious readers of Gandermonium. For those hardcore readers, you will have no doubt noticed that our Editor in Chief gave you a fine write up of the thrashing of Carshalton some ten years ago. The thrashing even spawned a t-shirt! It’s not often that will happen in history I can tell you. So that now leaves me to cover this year’s Boxing Day write up, our home fixture against Hayes & Yeading, but before we get to that, we have some other news to cover.

Thursday, 26 December 2013

It's a Massacre! - 10th Anniversary Special

Well, we trust you're all stuffed to the gills after a nice Christmas Day yesterday and are now sat resplendent in those socks and rubbish sweater you got instead of the PS4 you were secretly hoping you'd get. Well, whilst we can't help with state of the art gaming consoles, we do have a little something for you to aid with the digestion of that last mince pie.

Hopefully our game today at home to Hayes & Yeading was on and we've secured 3 points, but seeing as it's Christmas and we're big ol' softies really, here's a another bonus helping of Boxing Day action from the cold & dusty Gandermonium archives.

It's the one you've all been waiting for. The result so good it spawned a fucking t-shirt.

Sunday, 22 December 2013

All in a Days Drinking

Well here we are a couple of days before the birth of Christ and we are due to head into the wilderness that is known as North Kent to play the failed experiment of MyFootballClub that is Gravesend & Northfleet Ebbsfleet.

The text had gone round from our illustrious Editor-in-Chief that the plan of action was for us to head into town on our travelcards as the atrocious weather that had beset us all week might effect our plans, so to save some dollar we would purchase tickets to Kent at St Pancreas.

Sunday, 15 December 2013

Clear and Present Danger

The Resurrection of Juan. After a bit of a break from doing the write ups for various reasons on Gandermonium, for two reasons mainly. The shackles of love holding me down, and the lack of permission slips from she who must be obeyed!

That’s right I’m back for more...more pain, pleasure, football, and shit! So lets wind the clock back, and take a look at this week’s events. It’s been a bit of a shit house week for a member of the crew, Dukey!

Tuesday, 10 December 2013

Welcome to the Thameslink Classico

What a debut match to be selected for/lumped with for a first Gandermonium match report. Borehamwood away on a misty Monday night. Nothing less than the El Thameslink Classico itself! 

It's an easy hop up from St Pancras where I work to the suburban Goonerville of Wood and Elstree. Out of the station and things looked very familiar.  Borehamwood high st is like an extended and elongated North Cheam which seems to go on for ever.  Must have passed at least a dozen fast food joints before coming across the palatial Maccy D's and hanging a left down towards the floodlights.

Sunday, 8 December 2013

Tony Daley's Gay?

Well, what a shit week that was eh? A rather lame exit from the County Cup, the loss of a well liked member of staff thanks to off the field events caused by utter weapons and then very recent ex-U Michael Boateng being nicked and subsequently charged as part of the match fixing enquiry launched a couple of weeks back. As Totts said on Twitter. "What next? Jenny the Giraffe nicked for possessing class A's?"

Add to this the release of James Folkes and Dean McDonald and the loaning of Jamie Taylor to Eastbourne late in the week and needless to say, there's proper sorry frowns all round.

Wednesday, 4 December 2013

When Hopes & Dreams become Nightmares

Ah, the Surrey Senior Cup, the hostess with the mostest, the bounty of the county, the one true prestigious trophy to have in your cabinet at the end of the season.

It is in this competition that I hold dear to my heart that tonight's game was going to played. For years now I've loved and looked after this cup waiting with baited breath to finally join level with Dulwich Hamlets on sixteen wins apiece. Ever since Duke was taken down to the "theatre of dreams" by Father Duke at the back end of the 92/93 season to see us win against our so called "friendly" rivals Carshalton have I seen us get closer and closer to Dulwich.

Sunday, 1 December 2013

The Reserved Experience

Well, well, well, here we go again, here we go once more!

What, no game you say, no bloody game, what’s going on? How will us hardcore non league junkies get our football fix! In recent weeks as you are more than aware our F.A Cup Giant Killing came to an end at Kiddie. Still what a day out that was! Following the exit from the F.A Cup our minds turned to then, the F.A Trophy, and well those dreams were also shattered , going out of the Trophy to Havant at home. With both cup exits, and no home or away game listed for this Saturday, us mindless idiots at Gandermonium H.Q sat around scratching our heads and twiddling our thumbs. What is out there for us non- league diehard fans to do? With no Skrill south fixture on the cards, we picked our noses and scratched our arses, and shuffled our feet.

Wednesday, 27 November 2013

You Sir are a Failed Fox Murderer

The longest distance to travel to a game this season and everyone is in the Duke's love mobile. What could possibly go wrong?

Well lets start from the beginning, so somehow by the grace of God I'm managed to get the day off for this trip so I could still keep my hopes up for another perfect season in attendance once again. The first snitch of the day was the fact that I didn't look at the directions because I been to Weston a few times now. The problem with that was they were all in daylight and not in darkness around cone city...

Sunday, 24 November 2013

A Whole Year of Talking Bollocks!

Fuck Really? And to the tune of Pet Shop Boys 1992 hit "Go West" One year, we're having a fit. One year, we're still talking shit. One year, and you'll find us near. One year, on the fuckin' beer!

Well who would've thought, one year ago to the day that Gandermonium was resurrected in its current form and begun once more enlightening the Sutton United supporter base with our drunken antics and we're still at it!

Sunday, 17 November 2013

Coggins was one thing, but Rock is summat else!

Well here we are again and another cup game to witness as we begin our adventures in the FA Trophy. Our opponents were due to be Havant & Waterlooville who were destroyed at Westleigh Park back at the end of September.

Today was going to be so different from that fateful trip to the south coast. As always I was up at the crack of dawn looking back on another shocking week at work were I've been accused of trying to defraud the company with dodgy sick notes and the like. I won't go into too much detail as I tend to get a little carried away with my hate for the manager that I work under.

Wednesday, 13 November 2013

No Tresspassing!

I sense a pattern forming here.

Last day of last season and I get lumbered with doing the report away to Bath as our regulars Dukey & Juan were all 'worn out' from a 9 game run in April. Tonight, we're again away to Bath and with Dukey driving (and thus being utterly sober) and Juan currently wounded by cupids arrow and not travelling at all, it's down to dear old Taz to step once more into the breach and selflessly come to the rescue of these useless twats his comrades.

Sunday, 10 November 2013

The Kiddy magical mystery tour

The whole Gandermonium staff were of course all present & correct in Kiddy for the cup tie yesterday, although not all of us were on the chuffer and stumbling into the pub at opening time. Newest member Totts chose to take the supporters coach up as it was cheap and allows normal saturday morning family routines to be followed. With what turned out to be a slightly fraught journey up, we half jokingly suggested Totts tell his story of his own FA Cup 1st round day. To our surprise, we got an email this arvo with all the gory details! So, here's the tale of our man on the bus....

The Unlucky 13

It’s Sunday morning, and I’ve just woken up! The Mrs wakes up next to me, and tells me that I stink like death. Well I tell her, it must have been that last can of Strongbow that I consumed on the Tube back from Euston. Well where do I Start with this one? I guess I’d better rewind, and go back into the depths of the last 24 hrs.

Sunday, 3 November 2013

Juan-Juan. And where's Juan?

This is the 0919 service from Epsom. Calling at Cheam, Sutton..........

Duke's mind begins to wander away, not taking any notice of his surroundings, trying to think how after all these years he can still consume masses of alcohol with the other members of the Firm. And with Juan once again not getting permission from she who must be obeyed, it has to fall on the shoulders of the Duke who once again must spout some sort of drivel to keep you lot entertained so let get cracking and begin.....

Thursday, 31 October 2013

Red Card Roy

Right, let me tell you about me, Roy McDonough and Sutton United. Stick with this as you wouldn't have got this review, or Totts addition to the Gandermonium roster of star writers, if it hadn't been for being forced to haul the memory back fifteen years to try and back up an anecdote I was trying to roll out on the Amber Planet website.

Wednesday, 30 October 2013


I'm sorry what was that? I didn't quite get it? Our support is fuckin' what? Well I have one word for y'all.....JUSTICE!!!!!

Well here we have it, the replay of our FA Cup match against 'emel 'empstead which on Saturday ended in a 3-3 draw. I suppose really that it will be fair for me to comment on that game because for the neutral it was a crackin' game with goals, controversy and entertainment to last them at least a week.

Sunday, 27 October 2013

Euston, Euston, Euston...

So Friday evening, and the text message from the Editor In Chief was received. Get yourself to Euston for the meet, and tickets will be sorted from there!

An early wake up call for myself, as I was staying at the Guvnors Gaff down in Thames Ditton. Now, the misses had mentioned that she had indeed quite fancied watching a game of football, and seeing what we all get up to come Saturdays. So was that a wise decision, for her to come along, and witness the unadulterated idiocy. She seemed at first extremely game to come along, so I was indeed warned by others that this was probably not a good idea. Well, Saturday morning, she decided to drop out, a little sigh of relief.

Tuesday, 22 October 2013

I Am Zlatan Ibrahimovic

A couple of moths back, I finally caved and bought myself one of those not-so-new fangled Kindle wotsits. Now, previously I'd grumpily said I'd never bother as I preferred books and turning real paper pages, plus I never needed to have more than 1 book on me at a time, but then I had to re-evaluate my stance. The main reason being that a series of novels I've been following for ages has suddenly started releasing little spin offs in e-book only format and worst of all, they're referring to the events in them in the main printed time line. So, under duress and wanting to know what the hell was going on, I gave in. And now, much to her indoors amusement, I'm all Kindled up.

Sunday, 20 October 2013

Love Thy Neighbour. But not those c**ts!

That title was suggested to me by my new neighbour, and don't you worry kind sir I will be around to get a cup of sugar just as soon as you move in.

Well that's another week closer to the end of the season and what has happened? Nothing! Absolute bupkis! Totally forgettable! There was an England game up at Wembley on the Tuesday night that saw the boys qualify for Rio 2014. But I missed the game as I was next to the Post Office tower at the University of Westminster.

Wednesday, 16 October 2013

Wheretoisthat? - One from the archives

So, it's October and we're already back to rummaging around in the basement through all our old files looking for some filler to keep you our dear readers happy following a postponement. Marvellous. Still, it could be worse, you could have been me (horrible thought I know, but bear with me) today and found out the match was off just as your train to the south coast was pulling out of bloody Havant. And you've only got a really fucking expensive one way ticket in your pocket as you were getting a lift home.

Sunday, 13 October 2013

Bread & Dripping Pan

What do we do with a drunken supporter? What do we do with a drunken supporter? What do we do with a drunken supporter? Especially when he has lost his shoes!

Yeah that's right someone nearly lost their shoes on the trip back home last night. But we will deal with that later because we have the magic that is the FA Cup to get through first.

Sunday, 6 October 2013

There's a hole in my back, dear Liza, dear Liza,

Now tell me, is it wrong to dream of Bacon Noodles? Or is it wrong to stumble around Brighton at night with a skull face mask on? How about being photographed hanging outside an adult 'Boutique' emporium?
Well that was all last week, this week is all about Langney Sports Eastbourne Borough!

So where do we start then?

Monday, 30 September 2013

I'll have a Brighton on the rocks please Guv!

It’s that time once more. Yes I’m back after a slight absence from Gandermonium over the last couple of weeks to bring you this weekend’s FA Cup fixture away at Whitehawk. Well seeing as its Friday night, I’d best get words to paper prior to the game, as I think come Sunday my body and brain will be in two different places,. That’s a given seeing as we are heading south this Saturday, down to the sunny coast of Brighton. So before my body and brain crumble into pieces, let's get started.

Tuesday, 24 September 2013


Look, we're going to persevere with this "Hey look at us, we can read! We're dead clever and fings!" thing, so you may as well just pipe down and get used to it. Who knows, you might even learn something! Although the thought of us providing anything of educational value other than new swearwords, where's best to drink in the likes of Weston-Super-Mare and what a shithole Borehamwood is scares even us.

Sunday, 22 September 2013

The Petersfield Chip Shop Disaster

"In all my 73 years, I've never been refused entry into a pub!" These were the words uttered by Indiana Jones' father (aka Sean Connery's stunt double) late on Saturday evening. And what a day that turned out to be, so why don't we get started and begin were all our good tales usually kick off? And that is on a Friday night...

Wednesday, 18 September 2013

Double Vera and Tonic Please

"There'll be bluebirds over, The white cliffs of Dover"

And I always thought that the bluebird was not indigenous to our fair young island? But who am I to disagree with a singer that is now synonymous with a cigarette paper used for roll-ups, or is that a drink made from Juniper Berries I wonder? Fuck knows.

Sunday, 15 September 2013

That which starts sweet, ends bitter & that which starts bitter, ends sweet

This update is sponsored by Paddy Power & Spencer Days accountant.

So this week in the world of Juan has been a rather ‘topsy turvy’ one to say the least. Let’s start by turning back the clocks to last Friday afternoon. Time approximately 16:30 HRS, location Board Room. What happened next, I can only describe as a complete an utter bullshit experience! In a nut shell, I was advised that due to some unforeseen (this is where the bullshit starts) circumstances, we are going to have to end your current contract.

Thursday, 12 September 2013

Revolving Door - Player News.

Some of you may have read from the official website (following the Tonbridge game) that Moses has been released to find 1st team football, which I guess is fair enough. A player of his age and ability wouldn’t want to be sitting on the bench week in week out. So with the departure of Moses, we now bring in Charlie Clough-who in recent weeks put in for a transfer request to leave Dorchester Town. 

Sunday, 8 September 2013

Who are Tud-Binge Angles?

"This geezer was special, I mean REAL special. He was thick as shit in a bottle, he even made two short planks look like a fuckin' computer."  What is he talking about? I hear you say, well I hope its you talking to me or otherwise not only am I talking to myself I've even began to answer as well.

Sunday, 1 September 2013

Stand & Deliver

Same place, different face.

So after missing the Concord game on Bank Holiday Monday, cause ‘er in doors wanted to spend some quality time up Town, I’m back to cover our next home featured presentation so the Duke can relax and do what he does best. Drink and bellow out his trademark saying of "Justice" across the Lane. So whilst you all have been enjoying yourselves during this short working week, things have taken Juan by surprise in the world of Office Politics within recent days.

Tuesday, 27 August 2013

Diagrams of Diaphragms

Have you ever had a doughnut burger? All you have to do is start with your typical bacon cheeseburger and change the standard burger bun for a glazed doughnut, slice it in half, flip it around and slightly toast it and there we have it, obesity in America.

Sunday, 25 August 2013

Bishops Move

So this Saturday, our home campaign continues, with the first Bank Holiday fixture, we welcome back to Gander Green Lane Bishops Stortford. So we hope that Tuesday night’s current play continues this rainy Saturday afternoon. For those of you that couldn’t make the mid-week fixture, well you missed a banger and a goal fest! We could have had more than we did, possibly 8.

Wednesday, 21 August 2013

Grass Staines

So here we go! Here we go, here we go! The time has come for our first mid-week home fixture, than none other than the mighty Staines on Thames. Well, it better be a more interesting display of football than that on show at Eastleigh, on Saturday just gone I can tell ya! I mean not one, not one bloody shot on goal, that I counted. My lips hadn’t really touched the golden nectar, and my eyes certainly weren’t deceiving me, well I hope they weren’t.

Sunday, 18 August 2013

Achtung! Spitfire!

In the blink of an eye last season's near miss and SSC heartache has been forgotten (for now mind you!), and a new campaign has begun. And where have the footballing gods decided to put us for the opening salvos of the new adventure? Eastleigh.

Fucks sake.

Friday, 16 August 2013

Love the game, will travel! Player News....

With the 2013/2014 season, about to kick off in less than 24 hours, time to make a few last minute changes. An official announcement was made earlier today on the Club's website with regards to some movement on the player front, so here we are a brief summary of the new signing, who joined the U's squad during Tuesday’s training session.

Wednesday, 14 August 2013

Das Wetherspoons? - Football Abroad

The baton is handed to me and hopefully not like a British Olympic relay team I won't drop it!

Now let me see, by a twist of fate (and a loaded Euro coin!) I've been given the task of doing part deux of what has been known as "Bedlam in Belgium". And as some of you may be aware over the past few years our physical and mentally ability to do two days on the juice has diminished so what. Just remember Truro, Falmouth and Cambridge to name but a few.

No Ferrets Allowed! - Football Abroad

"Get the fuck out of London, you dumb fucks. Get to Bruges" 
I didn't even know where Bruges fucking was.

For a while I’ve been trying to persuade the crew that taking in a game on foreign shores would be a great excuse to get away, have a few beers and take in some strange football. Up until this summer though, they’d largely resisted due to understandably not wanting to miss any action with the U’s.

Wednesday, 7 August 2013

The Road to Schiphol - Football Abroad

Thursday 24th June 2004. England v Portugal in the European Championships quarter-final and the Three Lions latest predictable failure on penalties in a major international competition. Where were you for it?

Sunday, 4 August 2013

Ode to Fluffernutter

"What we do in life echoes in eternity." - Maximus Decimus Meridius

Never has something been said that speaks so much truth. But in the world of The Duke we need to slightly change the wording a bit:-  "What we do on a Saturday night echoes for the rest of the week"

Because that is what happens to us after we attend to watch our much loved team. You see, everyone likes a little tipple now and again and us in the Firm are no different. And like everyone else, some of us enjoy the socialising and banter a wee bit too much and as we are not allowed out much, we grab this opportunity with both hands.

Sunday, 28 July 2013

Willkommen in der S.S..

Some of you may have seen earlier in the week, via our Twitter feed, that we the Conference South has been awarded a new sponser, the Skrill South. Yep thats right you are reading that correctly, the Skrill South. Not the Conference Skrill South, just the Skrill South. Apparently the marketing fella that came up with this name must have been smoking one of them Jamacian Woodbines or something. I mean come on, if you shorten it down, we are now part of the SS league! Hmm perhaps this wasnt given as much thought as one would have hoped for. Imagine those forthcoming conversations; "what league do you play in? The SS?"

Maybe the chaps at Conference H.Q should have allowed Dukey to come up with a more appealing name for the Conf South.

Wednesday, 24 July 2013

A Swingers Party or a Sex Dungeon?

Chelsea, Chelsea!
Chelsea, Chelsea!
We're going make it a blue day!

Damn that song has plagued me since first hearing it in 1997. So to begin today's blog we must go to the moment that I arrived home, and managed to get the end of the Head to Head on Pointless and what was the question?

Sunday, 21 July 2013

A Penny for your thoughts....

So it’s back to Juan to cover the third PSF so far. So this time, we are again at home to A.F.C Wimbledon, who sit some 30 places or so above us in the football pyramid. A local bus ride for Wimbledon today, all the way from the ground we love so much, Kingsmeadow. So having played an Arsenal XI, and a Fulham Development Squad within the last 10 days, (if you wish to read about those ones, just scroll down a tad on the homepage) My thoughts are that Wimbledon will be more of sterner test for us, allowing us to see some more of signings made over the summer months...., so let’s have a look and see what happened.

Thursday, 18 July 2013

Joseph & Moses. You couldn't make it up. Could you?

Evening sports fans, a little up date for all you readers, fans, and pro-longed life members of The Sutton Firm.

Well, for those of you that have visited the Lane in the last week or so, have come to witness the first two Pre-Season Friendly games. The first against an Arsenal XI and the 2nd against a Fulham Squad. For those that couldn’t make the games you’ll find the write ups on those bad boys by scrolling on down the homepage. Anyway back to business, where was I. Oh yes new friendly faces!

Sunday, 14 July 2013

Salute me or Shoot me

So here we are again, the return of the Firm for another season of drunkenness and stupidity awaits us all. Hey, its what we do best!

Of course we will be having the usual away trips that will no doubt produce those one liners for the ever expanding "Why we Bother" section of our blog (which can be viewed here). But there are some new grounds for us to visit this season, well Whitehawk and Gosport at least, and even though Gosport for some reason has been put down for a fuckin' Tuesday night! We also get to go back to grounds recent and in the past to re-live memories that were once forgotten. Just to hear the chorus of a half a dozen fellas singing "Wembley 81" to us from one of our old adversaries and for those of you that didn't make the battle of Chelmsford last year will no doubt be able to witness these events if not through your own eyes then through the minces of a drunken ruffian cheeky chap!

Bang, bang you shot me down....

So it’s back. And well didn’t that come around quick! Seems like only yesterday that the Season had finished. Say goodbye to your wives, girlfriends, families etc, it’s time to reunite with the beautiful non-league game, oh and of course re-unite with the beer!

Wednesday, 3 July 2013

It's fixtures time!

At last boys & girls, the wait is over. We can finally start planning our lives again. What pubs to drink dry & be thrown out of, what Non-League dives we'll be traipsing out to & when. Such joy!

Hang on. It says here we've got Gosport on a tuesday night??

OI! STRUDWICK! We want a word in your shell like sunshine.....

Saturday, 29 June 2013


Let’s get it out of the way straight off the bat. I don’t really like Italian football.

Yes, it’s very technical and there are plenty of aspects to be admired, but I largely find it dull, boring, negative, cynical and rarely fulfilling. “So why are you bothering to read a book on the history of Italian football then you dickhead?” I hear you cry. Well, you’ve gotta give it a chance haven’t you? It surely can’t all be cynical defending, 0-0 draws, fixed matches and financial basket cases.

Can it?

Monday, 17 June 2013

Gandermonium Film Review - 'Das Wunder von Bern'

Now, I know what you’re all thinking. Your’re thinking is this some kind of Miracle that could easily relate to the way Bernie Ecclestone has made his fame and fortune over the years, or his bird pulling techniques at the grand age of 82. Or for that matter, how he indeed made his millions, over the years.  Sadly viewers of Gandermonium, you are indeed correct that is a miracle in itself. But I can’t divulge such information, as let’s face it, if I knew how it did, especially the bird pulling techniques, I wouldn’t be bringing you a write up on the film, that is The Miracle of Bern. After all this is about FOOTBALL, not a write up about some old millionaire duffer.

Sunday, 16 June 2013

The Dead Poets Society of Gandermonium.

So what's it all about then, eh..?

Its, OK you don't need to be a member..
I said to the fella’s (Taz, Frakey & Dukey) a few weeks back, well actually come to think it was the 2nd to last game of the season, that cometh the summer months we should have a little get together at Juan Towers.

Come on, what else is there to do in the passing Summer months, apart from watching football related films, and reading football books to get our fix?

Sunday, 2 June 2013

Player news, numero dos...

I know, I know it’s a little late in the day to be updating with news that hit the official site over a week ago, but that’s just how we roll! Better late than never though.

So here we are again,  Dos has continued to pull in some further BIG names into the squad for the 2013/ 2014 campaign. Well it certainly seems to me that his is defiantly going for it this year. With the two big strikers having signed on the dotted line, again Mr D seems to have worked his magic and pulled in a further two big names. So let’s get down to some Gandermonium business and give you a little Bio on each of the signings and maybe if we are feeling generous a little clip of the lads in action.

Saturday, 1 June 2013

This is DNHAMO KNIB (Part 2) - Football Abroad

Welcome to the second part of our little story about 3 of the old Gandermonium crew finding themselves adrift in a footballing wilderness before stumbling upon a Ukranian Premier League game to slake their thirst for a match. ANY match.

So, are you ready for the next thrilling installment? Are you sure? Then you may proceed...

Wednesday, 29 May 2013

Gandermonium Film Review - 'Zidane: A 21st Century Portrait'

So, Duke's First Movie Review is here. Now when the rumour went around Gandermonium HQ that some of our members were trying to "diversify" the content a bit, the worry was that we were about to begin to make comments on other spheres in life that we really shouldn't. Like social issues, health & safety regulations and other so called 'sports' to name but a few.

Friday, 24 May 2013

This is DNHAMO KNIB (Part 1) - Football Abroad

Here's a little story I wrote late in the summer of 2009 after returning from a somewhat arduous trek approximately a third of the way around the planet in a tiny car. It involves me, two other Sutton fans, the city of Kiev and a trip to the Valeriy Lobanovsky stadium. Oh and the search for some garlic chicken.

Monday, 20 May 2013

2012/13 Season Review - Part 3

"At last!" we hear you cry "It's the final installment of the Gandermonium season review! Thank fuck for that! It's lasted almost as long as the bloody season itself........"

Yeah, well you might complain, but there was a fair bit of this season that was worth remembering. Sadly, we're usually far too drunk at games to recall exactly what most of that was exactly, so if you do spot owt important we may have missed do feel free to drop us a mail eh & let us know?

Righto, onwards to March dear reader. Onwards!

Dear Juan, please can you fix it for me.... (Pt 2)

We're back.........just!

No no, we didn't spend the whole ten days in the Portuguese rozzer's prison cells, for those of you that may have been thinking that! Instead we flew, we saw some sun and we drank..a lot....a hell of a lot!

For those of you that follow us on Twitter, may have caught a few tweets-re the on goings of the trip to the Algarve. Those that didn't see it ......tough! I'm just kidding, just kidding. So in true-esque Gandermonium Style, I'll fill you in with all the details. Oh yeah and that game I mentioned in "Dear Juan, please can you fix it for me...(Pt 1)" we'll you'll just have to keep reading to find out about that.

Friday, 17 May 2013

2012/13 Season Review - Part 2

So, in Part 1 we left our season hanging in the balance, with the U's having taken 10 games to get their first victory and staring at the wrong end of the table. Can they improve? Who am I? What time is it? Who are you?

Hang on. Why are we telling you all this anyway? You probably already know what happened and like a shit episode of Columbo, you're just sat there shouting at the screen & waiting for us to eventually get to the point. Oh, stop looking at me like that and just click for Part 2......

Wednesday, 15 May 2013

2012/13 Season Review - Part 1

Ok, we admit it. We (Gandermonium) weren’t exactly around for the whole of this campaign. But the idiots responsible for it certainly were and between us we’ve seen every SUFC game this season (Dukey himself saw every single one!). So we reckon we’re more than qualified to reflect on the mild frustration and ultimately finishing just outside the play-offs type fun provided by our second campaign back in the Blue Square Bet South and our first under the new 3 days a week training in the mornings.

Sunday, 12 May 2013

May I have your attention please....Player News!

So after last nights defeat in the SSC. I thought you would all need to have those smiles put back on your faces :) , so what better way to bring back those grins, by turning those frowns upside down, by bringing you a little bit of player news/updates.

So we have been putting ourselves together in groups to form our own Syndicates for the Srikers are Key Initiative. So let's give you a little low down on this scheme, before we show what our hard earned pennies are bringing forth to the turf of Gander Green Lane.

Thursday, 9 May 2013

Dear Juan, please can you fix it for me.... (Pt 1)

Well, with the football season closing it's doors for a couple of months. What will we do..... to.....pass.....the.....time? Tick tock,tick tock, tick tock.

Well I'm not really sure, but seeing as you've asked, I guess it would be rude and impolite of me, not to fill you in. And would you believe an email, yes an email arrived for me at G.H.Q the other day, and well it read a little along these lines......

A little bit of History repeated - Surrey Senior Cup Final #26

After reading the Editor in Chief's write up on the Bath away game and after having to refer to the Dictionary and Thesaurus to look up the meaning of some of the flashy words that he used throughout his epic in length update, I thought to myself "How on this Earth am I supposed to compete with that quality, piece, of  'off the cuff' work, all from his memmory?" Cor, well it tells me something clearly that at the crisp age of 29 I've got signs of mental fatigue, or early onset Alzheimer's! Most people would probably agree with mental fatigue, if there is such a thing...

Saturday, 4 May 2013

Bye Bye to the Ryman League! - One from the Archives

I'm bored. And you probably are too. So let's have a little end of season action from the archives to help pass the time with a cup of tea eh?  This report harks back to more innocent times. Back when we thought that finishing top 13 in the Ryman and qualifying for the new Conference South setup meant a goodbye to visiting the likes of Harrow on a fucking Tuesday. Again. Naively, we thought that was us done with the old, village mentality of the Isthmian League. Yet, just four years later, we were proven very very wrong.

Still, this bit was fun! It's the last day of the season, a win is required to finish runners up and we've only lost 3 league games since November. Bailey, Nurse, Fowler, Honey, Gray and a Tony Quinton hat-trick. Boom!

Sunday, 28 April 2013

Hey you, don't watch that! Watch this!

I dunno, you just can't get the staff these days!

Having begged and pleaded and generally pestered me to bring this thing back, Juan & Dukey have I think found themselves a little surprised at the sort of time & effort you have to put in scribbling crap about even a Non-League club such as ourselves. Don't get me wrong, their efforts have been top notch and are a fine addition to this utterly underwhelming site's tradition. But with the boys seemingly flagging a bit with the pretty hefty 9 games to cover in the final month of the season, I thought it was time they took a break and spent 90 mins on the bench to with their feet up.

Tuesday, 23 April 2013

F*ck Off! We're the The People's Front of Judea!

Oh Hank Marvin, is wonderful, Oh Hank Marvin is wonderful! At last. I do not have to another blog on this poxy laptop! In fact I wasn't meant to do another home blog altogether but because someone (No Names!, No Names!) failed in doing the lightest bit of manual grafting and could therefore not turn up to the game. So let's keep this adventure short and sweet.

Sunday, 21 April 2013

The 'Church Cometh

It's OK Ladies and Gents I'm not talking about Sunday School, I'm talking about our latest home fixture V.s Hornchurch. We at Gandermonium do however practise at least a couple of religions.....mostly Football and Beer, and well, when one stops the other takes over. I guess we could be described as a 'cult', in one form or another.

Relax, Juan returns once more to deliver a further masterpiece to add to the ever growing world of Gandermonium. So without further delay I bring you another specialist production.

Friday, 19 April 2013

Ding Dong!

Well good afternoon my fellow brothers (and sisters!) and welcome to another excerpt of the Gandermonium boys watching the final run in of the 2012/13 season. Today’s opposition were the currently homeless Hayes & Yeading who came down the lane needing a couple more points to keep them in the division for another year.

And as I am due to go up town to get further educated tonight, this blog was done in a bit of a rush before my train doth cometh. So let’s crack one out. Er, crack on.

Sunday, 14 April 2013

Did you just ask for a Hooch?

So, the penultimate away game of this season takes us across Hampshire and into the opulent surrounds of Farnborough.

Evening boys and girls and welcome at another edition of Duke's tired and emotional recollection of today's trip. Many thanks for Juan for doing the SSC blog on Thursday and giving me the opportunity to just sit back and enjoy another excellent performance that booked us a record breaking number of final appearances and leaves us just one step away from equalling Dulwich Hamlet's record of wins.

Friday, 12 April 2013

The Wombles come to Gander Green Lane....

Well after a no show from yours truly on Tuesday night for the Maidenhead game, the reigns of Gandermonium were handed over to me to deal with tonight's write up for the Surrey Senior Cup Fixture against AFC Wimbledon.

So with a quick few text messages sent, Duke answered my SOS call and provided taxi service to the Lane for tonight's fixture. So he appeared at 19:15 hrs outside Juan Towers with Greek riding shotgun. The conversation then turned to Duke perhaps setting himself up a Twitter account, well actually it was more about Greek setting up a Twitter account in Dukey's name....

Wednesday, 10 April 2013

Where was Timmy's Mallet?

We've been here before.....This place seems familiar.....And I'm not even under the influence once again....

Evening fellow comrades, and welcome to another sobering affair from the Duke. Who's turn it is to cover another night in Berkshire, Maidenhead were the opposition tonight, and not unlike other visits to York Road (minus the league cup game there a few years ago) there was very few goals to mention. Well there was only one, but we'll get to that in due course.

Sunday, 7 April 2013

Pay the 'Ricay!

Well well Ladies & Gents.....

A double header from Juan! Yes readers of Gandermonium Juan is back to cover our next home fixture V.s Billericay! Now being that neither myself or Duke are massive fans of Essex, or for that matter Essex sides we flipped this one on the turn of the coin...and well I lost the flip! Note to self, always call heads!

Tuesday, 2 April 2013

We've got Wood! Well, Boreham Wood

Well then ladies and gents, and readers of Gandermonium.

Where do I begin with this one.....are you sitting comfortably....

Following on from our eventful day of both drinking and football down in Dover on Saturday. I checked my bank balance this morning, and well it's true what Dukey do a least a ton on away days. Well for me it was over a ton, £147.13 p for the love of drinking, and following the team we all love. Well you can't put a price on love right....?

Monday, 1 April 2013


Welcome to the second Gandermonium Literary review. Yes, it's once again time to suspend your disbelief that the idiots involved with this can actually read and don't just partake in books with lots of pictures in them, usually to be used in conjunction with some sort of colouring implements.

Sunday, 31 March 2013

Ben Dover Productions Presents...

Evening sports fans. Another away trip on the booze cruise comes to an end for the Firm once more.

Well it finally had to happen and it did. I went back to work (well for one day anyway!). And in order to recover from that, I needed some time off, so of course a quiet trip to Dover was in order for some seaside air. And after receiving the old text from Mr X it was agreed that we would be getting the high speed train from St. Pancras in order to get to Dover for opening time.

Wednesday, 27 March 2013

You're Having a Mare Ref!

Once more unto the breach, dear friends, once more. And another frustrating night down the Lane ends in defeat.

Well this is it my last week off from work, in fact I go back on Friday when most of you will no doubt be off. And trust me, since I have been off, I haven't once got up before 0600hrs and I reckon I might struggle come the end of the week! I look back now, with a cigarette and a cup of tea, at the games that I have witnessed over this period the stats really say it all.

Saturday, 23 March 2013

Here to stay.... - One from the Archives

Afternoon all. Bet you didn't think you'd be reading another one of these for a while eh?

And if you did, then you're a bit daft. We live in Britain you see. And shit weather is the one thing we do really well, so it shouldn't be a shock that today's clash with Salisbury was called off due to it fucking snowing. On the 23rd of March. Stupid stupid country!

So, it's off down into the basement of Gandermonium's secret volcano lair I go, with only a cup of tea for company to stave off the damp & the chill air. Having said that, it's probably a damn sight fucking warmer down here than it  is outside.....

Thursday, 21 March 2013

The Future's Bright...The Future's...Doswell...

Well, ladies and gents, after the recent upset caused by some fans on the Amber planet forum following Saturdays game Vs Farnborough, and United's impressive win on Tuesday night at Billericay (See Duke's impressive update on Gandermonium here ) An important announcement was made by the Gaffer in the post match Managers Column. Along the lines, that Mr Doswell is here to stay, well this is great news for the club, and great news for the fans, given the stats under Mr D speak for themselves.

Wednesday, 20 March 2013


Ah, the third poxy trip to Essex! And for once we take away the three valuable points back with us to Sutton. I don't how it has happened but once again it appears that I will have to cover our trip to Essex, not that I mind, after all I am on for a perfect season once again, but not for the first time I shall be writing this masterpiece sober!

Sunday, 17 March 2013

When the machine breaks down...we break down!

Well, well, well......

Where to start with this one! If I'm completely honest I'm finding it a big struggle to put fingers to the keyboard to type this one up! Mainly for two reasons, firstly the game yesterday. Wow it was BAD on a big scale! The other reason, I've got a bit of the alcohol shakes following last nights drinking session! My body just isn't as hardcore as the other members of the Firm! But fear not readers of Gandermonium, Kasabian have given me the inspiration I need to write this up....So sit we go..

Wednesday, 13 March 2013

Madness, Madness, They call it Madness

Yes, an embarrassment, a living endorsement.

That's me and the other 359 souls that braved the game tonight.

I really don't know what to write....

Saturday, 9 March 2013

Keep the Faith....all you gotta do is keep the faith!

Don't worry yourselves too much, I'm not going to include a Bon Jovi You tube link in this weeks right up, so don't worry, normal service is resumed! It was just the best title I could think of following today's game....

So as I sit here on a Saturday evening looking for inspiration following an absolute catastrophic week for me (I'll get to the nitty gritty shortly) I turn to a bit of AC/DC for inspiration!

Wednesday, 6 March 2013

Where's the Karma gone? Where's your Karma gone?

I think my ticker will pack up by the time I'm 40.....

And that is not just because of the smokes,booze and loose women, it's because of the agony and the ecstasy of watching my beloved team week in and week out!

The second of my weeks off has been a somewhat stressful affair, a daily viewing of A Touch of Frost and Only Fools can be quite hard on the eyes and with this not only being even half way through this week and already I have still have failed to find the fishy from Saturday and finally I have invested in a Habitat chair.....

Saturday, 2 March 2013

The Battle of Waterloo-ville

Best to start from the top with this one!

Well, after a bit of a pants week at work, pushing paper around and sharpening pencils it was my time to cover our away fixture at Havant & Waterlooville. So as Duke (currently looking a tad Amish with his current skinhead and facial hair look) relaxes on his five week holiday from Kingston council, sitting around, twiddling his thumbs and scratching his head,and enjoying Thursday nights victory in the Surrey Senior Cup , and day dreaming of winning in this years final..... your stuck with me, to write up this weekends fixture!

Friday, 1 March 2013

Gandermonium Film Review - 'The Football Factory '

So this is a first for the all new and improved Gandermonium. Gandermonium's first ever film review. From tonight's selection box, comes The Football Factory! Lets be honest we've all seen it, we all don't really rate it highly in the world of football films, especially when its compared to the likes of I.D, or the original Firm featuring Gary Oldman.

Molesey Shoals

Another game. Another night of excitement in the Surrey Senior Cup. And as I am the only one with the natural animal magnetism and sheer passion for the county's top knock out competition it was down to me to do tonight's blog.

Sunday, 24 February 2013

TOWIE Shite!

WTF? Where am I? What happened?

Fuck the eatin' is cheatin' rule, next time I'm lining the old stomach.  Well that was a trip and a half to Essex and back!

Thursday, 21 February 2013


Here's a break from the norm eh?

The old Gandermonium was a bit set in it's ways, our match reports were about as wordy as we got. But with the return of this load of nonsense, we thought we'd try something a bit different to keep things interesting. With this in mind, I give you the first 'Gandermonium Literary Review'.

Yeah, I know. Amazing innit. We can read.

Wednesday, 20 February 2013

'Stoke the fire. The Tim Sills hate continues

Well the game for me tonight was a tough decision as to whether I would be in attendance or not due to suffering with the latest batch of the "man flu" (it's a man killer ya know) doing the rounds! So after receiving a text from Duke asking me whether or not I had turned totally "Gay" by me telling him I wouldn't be going tonight.

Sunday, 17 February 2013

More Pushin' to the Cushin'

What a difference a week in football makes....

I write this blog in the early hours of Sunday morning listening to Ode to Joy by Tchaikovsky and watching old news reports of a little game in 1990 between Bournemouth and Leeds. And I feel reinvigorated to continue...

Wednesday, 13 February 2013

Our goal difference is's plus Juan!

Well where do I start on this one. I did come up with an alternative title for this blog...something along the lines of 'we've clipped the wings', but after receiving a tweet from the Oracle of Gandermonium today advising me that if I didn't use the above title, tweeted on Gandermonium last night...Taz would hurt me, and hurt me badly! So there we are, that's how the title for this blog came about!

Sunday, 10 February 2013

The Bitter Taste of Urchins!

Well bugger me! There goes another trip to Essex........

And let me be the first to congratulate Marky N for surviving his first booze cruise with the Firm, even though he only lasted to Blackfriars mind you. The day itself was another drink fuelled escape with its highlights and low life's like us running around London and Essex!

Also apologies for the lateness of this blog but somehow I manged to pass out once again half on the bed and half on a foot stall that I use as a six month temporary replacement for a computer chair. But without further ranting lets get on with this blog!

Sunday, 3 February 2013

Are you not entertained?

So after a long wait..we're back, and we're better!...That felt good! Like the first time I managed to ride a bike without the aid of stabilisers...Sorry Taz, I couldn't help but mention a little thing to do with cycling.....come on!...ok ok no more I promise!

As you've recently been reading Taz's recent blogs from the dusty archives. Taz can now sit back and relax in his wing back chair, put his slippers on and relax tonight! Juan's got this one covered!

Tuesday, 29 January 2013

3-0 & you fucked it up! - One From the Archives

Evening all. Yeah, me again.

Once more Maidenhead's pitch has failed us (is that the third or fourth time now? I've lost count) and tonights BSS match went the same way quite a few have over the last couple of months, so that means you're stuck with Taz gathering you all around his big virtual, online, leather wingback chair for the latest episode in the most fucked up series of 'Jackanory' you're ever likely to see.

Saturday, 26 January 2013

England's Number one! - One from the Archives

This is actually becoming quite depressing. To be honest, when I set this up again, the idea was for Juan and Dukey to be the ones entertaining you all with a new generation of idiocy whilst I sat back, chipped in with the odd bit of filler and made sure they didn't break the internet. But thanks to the shittest weather we've had in a good few years, what it's actually turning out to be is a massive nostalgia trip.

Fingers crossed this will be the last one for a while. But given that Maidenhead reckon our game there on Tuesday is already at risk, I'm not holding my breath.

Tuesday, 22 January 2013

At last, a Melbourne Victory - Football Abroad

Snow, frozen pitch, match postponed, rehashed old shit on Gandermonium , blah blah blah. You know the drill. Still, looking on the bright side, you get to read the second of my reports about the Australian A-League from my business-come-lounging around trip back towards the arse end of 2008. 

No really, that is a bright side. Seriously! Look, just humour me here ok?

Saturday, 19 January 2013

Not Quite A-League above - Football Abroad

We're not bored. What gave you that idea? That we've done 3 updates in one day? Yeah, ok. We're bored.

Here's a little diversification of the Gandermonium universe for you (one of a few we're looking into). The first non-SUFC report we've ever done. The old site was very much Sutton orientated (unsurprisingly) and there was never any real scope in it's format to include little tit bits such as this.

Big Bad Dom (Mk 2)! - One from the Archives

Well, that completes the set. We've been off for rain, freezing temperatures and now snow. No doubt fire, brimstone and a plague of locusts are next up. 

So, with a match postponed we all know what that means. Archive report time!

To be honest, I wasn't sure what to go for today. I was lacking in inspiration somewhat, so decided to simply sit down in the basement of Gandermonium HQ, stick the kettle on and just leaf through the many dusty tomes of past nonsense we have stashed away down there until something took my fancy. Then, after what seemed hours, there it was. And what a pleasant surprise it was to find it as well, as I thought this was one of the reports lost when my old PC died ages ago. 

A little update from H.Q....Hit or Miss!

Well....yet again..due to the current snow 'armageddon' calling our home game off Vs at Gandermonium we have been scratching our brains as to what to entertain to you with! Well we scratched our heads and twiddled our thumbs for a while err...all of ten minutes, and decided to give you a double helping of Gandermonium this weekend! You lucky lucky people! Seeing as there's sod all football to write about, and naff all post drinking shenanigans to keep you entertained with, it was only fair that we gave you something to read about/fall asleep to/amuse yourselves to!

Wednesday, 16 January 2013

Baby its Cold Outside

Where to start Munts....

Well after a piss poor weekend that ended with my television deciding to give up and die on me plus the ever looming finishing date for my coursework (still not completed!), I was safe in the knowledge that the trusty old Surrey Senior Cup 3rd Round was upon us. And as the eternal optimist I knew that the game would go ahead, because everyone knew I was waiting for this game to happen.

Sunday, 13 January 2013

I don't feel down.....Mr Fruit Shoot !

Another sober affair....

Well seeing as this is the first time I've Blogged on the same night after the game, I intend to keep it short  and sweet for a number of reasons. Firstly because we got smashed 5-0 at home in a BIG game, which potentially if we had won = more money in the coffers, and secondly'cause me trusty plummers mate pen decided to give up the ghost, and run out of ink just after half time-must remeber to take a spare scribe for future note taking!

Sunday, 6 January 2013

Another Ton Done Son!

Well here we are again on another Saturday night.  The day began with me having oversleep to the tune of half eight. I know, for someone that should have worked today it really was an embarrassment. But less of how I hate working for the inept sods at Kingston council and more of the rush that over came me as I had the proverbial three S's and after a splash of the ever faithful Brut, I decided it was day for me to wheel out the old world cup Italia 90 England shirt and there I was out the door & down the road to take out the required ton from the Post Office cash machine.

Tuesday, 1 January 2013

N.Y.E & Bromley away!

Well, where to start. I suppose it would make sense to start with the lack of football in the last few weeks, causing old Taz to delve into the depths of the archives! Well rest up now Taz, Juan is back with one of his own (epic in length) match reports...but before we go into any of that, it would only be right to fill you in on the graphic details of the Firms NYE's Party hosted by Miller or as some of you may know him as Windy from the historic Gandermonium Blogs.