Siam: There’s more to it than just ladyboys!

He drinks a Whiskey drink,

He drinks a Vodka drink,
He drinks a Lager drink,

He drinks a Cider drink.

After only two days since our win against the Ding, we are once again back in action at the place where I, the Duke, nearly lost his phone a mere thirteen months back.

Unlike most of you fellow readers I had to put in a shift at work on Friday and in order to get my £200 bonus (less tax) I would’ve been required to work the next three Saturday’s. Don’t worry sports fans my response to this question was to “take a hike” because it was Staines away.

Welcome indeed….

Our plans for the day were to be affected by the recent spate of weather that we were having as the usual train ride up to Clapham Junction via Carshalton had to be taken the other way around the loop up to Wimbledon. As I strode up towards the station I got to see that the Editor-in-Chief had already beaten me there. The train arrived and the two of us jumped on towards Sutton. The Welsh Wizard got on at Sutton, Mr X was all present and correct at West Sutton, and Ms Loffers was laying on a bench at Sutton Common clearly affected through three days on the lash.

The journey up to Clapham was uneventful as the carriage got busier and busier as the people flocked into town for the post Christmas sales. Once arrived at the station we shuffled off towards the right platform for Staines. Some of us stopped to stock up on tea whilst me and the E-I-C headed towards the ticket office to get an extension on our travel cards. There was a slight worry when our tickets wouldn’t let us through the barrier and the worry that there would be a repeat of the events at Gravesend but luckily the little old lady was no bother and we made it to the platform with time to spare.

The train managed to be packed out with the old egg chasers on their way to the Stoop to see Harlequins play. We did however managed to annoy enough people to get a seat and the train headed into North Surrey. The main topic of conversation for the train was that the E-I-C’s future Mrs Brooks had somehow missed a sizable portion of the classic films that are the 1980s. Ones like Ghostbusters, Who Framed Roger Rabbit? and Die Hard were just a small portion of the pictures that were named.

Some of our number would love this….

The walk through Staines high street was a slow trek as not only did some of us have to once again bankroll the E-I-C but the place was heaving with almighty amount of stalls and people milling around. The first pub that we headed for was the local ‘spoons The George and our first pints were quickly ordered. Indiana Jones and Sean Connery were already there as the somehow got an earlier train than the Firm. Now the line of talk took a somewhat usual dip in the lowering of tone. The first was the reminiscence of a timeless piece of Australian children’s television known as “Round the Twist”. The second was something by doing a full Monty on the toilet with a lot of liquid emissions, but I will leave it at that.

The second pub was across the road at the “Hobgoblin” were for once in our booze cruises we actually thought ahead and ordered a sherbet to take us to the ground. But back to the bar we went and another round of drinks was ordered plus some delightful snacks. During this time we were introduced to the reason that women can’t park, this bird in a Dacia took at least ten minutes to park her motor to much delight of the patrons that watched it.  The plan was to have a quiet few before the cab arrived, but for me that changed when I had particular awful pint of cider and decided to hit the top shelf for the next couple of rounds. Surprisingly unlike last years experience of non attending cabs, the sherbets we ordered arrived on time and in unison.

The distance from the high street to the ground is not far at all and the fiver between four of us was very much acceptable. Now this is not the first time that Wheatsheaf Park has been visited by us and the only difference we could see that you have to enter the ground before heading back and leaping up the stairs to the bar, just pasted the hottest toilets in the land. The news that begun to filter through that Dundo wasn’t going to start and that our two new loanees (Harry & Leo) was also going to begin ahead of Kane & Able. The starting line up was:

Lovelock, Osborne, Rents, Fuseini, Downer, Clough, Sawyer, Sinclair, Slabber, Scannell, Binns

Bench: Riviere, Dundas, Haysman, Williams, Nelson

The desolate landscape of Staines. 50/50 ticket?

Well he we go than off to the game. And let’s face it, the match didn’t start as we would’ve liked as within the first three minutes we were one down when a low cross was met by an unmarked fella at the back post. After this shocker we managed to put this behind us and begin to play some football. We did manage to lose Downer to injury at this point and quite frankly we must be on the brink now and can’t afford to lose anymore of our regulars surely. This was follow by a fuck up from Lovelock who otherwise had a excellent game. The problem is when a keeper drops a bollock it hurts and  once again it did. When a keeper try’s to take it around someone the element of risk is there, especially when you do it to someone like Theodopa-lopa-lopa-cus-cus your luck isn’t in. There was some shouts of disappointment from some sections of our support not only to Lovelock but also Ali who I feel did struggle at times, but then so did the rest of the midfield. The rest of the half saw Sutton knocking on the Staines door with once again the final ball found wanting. The was a clear penalty shout when Slabber was clearly shoved two handed in the back and if it was anywhere else the man in the middle would’ve whistled.

The second half saw Dundo being brought on and the question was not if we would score but when we would score. We now got to see a combination of time wasting and Sunday league reffing that started to rile the away support. Blatant hand balls and clear tripping ups was the order of the day. On the sixty fifth minute we got our break through when a slightly iffy drop from the keeper left it for Slabber to poke the ball home and stick another bulls eye into the Strikers are Key pot. The rest of the game saw us trying to pile on the pressure with no clear cut chances that I can remember. Booking to Ali and Harry saw our frustration begin to show. We nearly ended the gamer three down we a deflected shot was expertly knocked wide by the big toe of Lovelock.

The inept referee blows his whistle and a deathly silence surrounds the ground. We begin to clap our defeated soldiers when what appears to be the spawn of Nik Nak, begins to celebrate like his has just won the Surrey Senior Cup. Of course we are not happy about this and then a little bit of gesturing between both parties begins. Unfortunately this does not last long as he wanders off no doubt to be eaten by the big man at the back of the stand. We head to the bar to watch the results come in and are surprised that the teams around us had all lost and that we haven’t lost ground except only to Eastleigh and Bromley. I do think that play-offs are our best bet, but you never know.

What you looking at eh?

The order for the next round or sherbets is put through for six o’clock as this gives us time for a couple of rounds and time for some of us to charge our phones. There was some speculation of player movements, at this point I realise that the walls are really bare in the bar, where are all the photos and shirts gone? Of course this time round, the cabs did not arrive on time as this give us time to look at the women that were using the swimming pool and & Sauna. Luckily the cab did arrive and before the police did for some of our activities at that point. We headed back to the Goblin for more drinks, I did make the mistake by hitting the top shelf because as soon as I was given the drink it was downed and this was before the round was complete.

You wouldn’t believe it but around this point Mr X had managed to win a large amount of money (£15) on the quiz machine. Of course he gambled it and lost most of it but that is not the point. The next part of the plan was to head back to civilisation and hit Clapham by storm. Of course we didn’t do that exactly and instead headed to the Falcon for a couple in order to decide where we were going for a curry. The decision was made that as we were no doubt barred from most curry houses in Sutton we would head towards Wimbledon. Just before we left I was manhandled by Mr X to meet someone he had just seen, it turned out to be Crawley Lloyd who we met many moons ago but I did say I would give him a mention!

And so we head to an end of a night that didn’t end up with a two and a half hour night bus journey and crawling into bed a half four. The ruby that we had was actually lovely and there was agreement that we would have to that again at some point in the future. See you all New Years Day for the Ding away.

Non-League hardcore!


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