Tuesday, 17 September 2019

Wrexham Lager

We like Wrexham. Ok, it's not nearby, costs a fair bit to get to and we've yet to experience anything but mild disappointment at best when it comes to the football, but it has one thing going for it. The beer's really really cheap. Like stupidly cheap. As in "Fuck me I've not paid that little for a pint since my early 20's!" cheap. Which if you're familiar with our work has both its good and its bad points.

Sunday, 8 September 2019

Tied Up In Notts

So, here we go again me old chinchillas.  It really is non-stop, solid gold, easy action in this opening few weeks of the season and we’ve already managed to find ourselves in a full blown injury crisis that makes the Brexit hoo-hah look like a quiet evening in with a Pickwick snide seventies Top of the Pops LP and a Radox bath.

Wednesday, 4 September 2019

Right in the Brian Glovers

I have a little question. What is the point of the linesman these days? If they're supposed to do only throw-ins and offside, then why can't they even do those simple tasks? I doubt it's just this year, but they've seemed to come to prominence recently with some very suspect decisions. Some of the offside calls have been down right bemusing with the invention of imaginary players who appear to play people on. Some of the geezers we get are starting to make VAR look good.

Sunday, 1 September 2019

Osberton Radiator

As I'm now at that age where I'm past caring about haircuts, grooming etc and starting to have to lift up my glasses and hold mobile devices closer to the old boat so I can see what the fuck I'm looking at, I'm also finding myself getting sucked into what can only be described as a Totts-esque world of nostalgia and local history.

Tuesday, 27 August 2019

I'm Free, Free Fallin'

It was hot. So damn hot. And were it not for a solitary tree to cover the 200 travelling supporters for most of the match, the day would've been a lot more uncomfortable than it turned out to be. And that's how the team played on this balmy Monday afternoon. But there is one question I would like to ask. Why do we not leave anyone up top when defending a set-piece? Still, could have been worse, we could have been knocked spark out by our own 'keeper.

Sunday, 25 August 2019

Tennis Elbow

Before we get onto Dover let’s take a step back and consider what a great start we’ve had to this season under the guidance of Matt Gray, his top team and the revitalised and younger squad of players that he has assembled.

Sunday, 18 August 2019

You Can't Beat a Bit of Bully

The magical mystery Sutton bus continues it's unbeaten journey one match at a time. What was once thought as a very tricky week in the world of the U's, has now been proven to be just run of the mill type stuff. And for the second time this week, it's Gandermonium's very own foreign correspondent to give you some of the details of what happened on a warm Saturday afternoon. That's me by the way.

Wednesday, 14 August 2019

Trams, Trains & Automoblies

Well, that was something you don't expect to see. Four games into the season as we're somehow still undefeated. Upon reflection, the trip to the almost South Coast would definitely be seen as a point gained instead of two points dropped, especially as it was our first one here since September fuckin' 2007. But we're getting ahead of ourselves a bit here, so lets slow down and start somewhere near the beginning.

Sunday, 11 August 2019

Chorley Cake

I think it's fair to say that all things 'retro' are 'in' currently. All I see every day is kids wandering around dressed like they're extras from 'Fame' or just come from a Bros gig. You also only need pop in here when Totts has done a shift to find loads of middle aged sorts lapping up his 70's punk nostalgia like it's free Watneys Red Barrel on tap. Well, it seems the National League are taking tentative steps towards getting on board with all things retro as well and have allowed Chorley back into the top echelon of the Non-League game.

Thursday, 8 August 2019

Vodka Milkshake

Elder readers among you will recall that Saturday mornings used to see a TV programme hosted by Jimmy Greaves and Ian St John called, surprisingly, 'Saint and Greavsie'. As you probably know, there was a phrase commonly used which was “it’s a funny old game” and also the phrase “it’s a game of two halves” which was pertinent to the Barnet fixture and Sutton’s first home game of the 2019/2020 season, more on that later.

Sunday, 4 August 2019

Winnin' the Pools

So, the first match of the 2019/20 league season has finally arrived. And in the same manner as last time out, we're jogging back up North once again. Hartlepool is the destination this time, and Victoria Park is the place to be. It might not be the longest trip we're going to make this season, but it's the furthest North that we're going to have to travel for this league campaign.

Monday, 29 July 2019

Double Header & Done

Aah, the old Pre Season Friendlies. The footballing equivalent of non-consequential foreplay where you get a bit hot and sweaty, go through the motions but never reach any sort of satisfactory climax.  Still, they are part of the calendar and it has fallen to me to slam them into the bin on behalf of the Gandermonium cartel before the real thing gets under way at the weekend.

Thursday, 25 July 2019

Fair Trade Friendly

So, moving swiftly on from Saturday's nonsense and our third straight away PSF, we're finally back into the (very!) warm embrace of Gander Green Lane for the first time this summer and we're welcoming old friends Dulwich along for the occasion. In stark contrast to last weeks oppo Havant, who as Dukey revealed we've faced some 13 times alone since we resurrected this shite in 2013, the pink and blue hued mob from SE22 have yet to be graced with anything other than a cursory mention on here, as well as the occasional cheap jibe at their trendy, right on crowd via social media.

Sunday, 21 July 2019

Battle of the Ex's

Well I can't say that I'm a fan of sober football. That's three pints or less before you ask. But sober football is really depressing, Especially when you factor in a 2-0 defeat at the hands of a team a  whole division below us. But at least we can still say that it's only pre-season and the real stuff hasn't quite started yet.

Thursday, 18 July 2019

Garden of England

The times, they are a changing my friends. I mean, take the last few months for example, where there's been enough carry on to completely confuse and befuddle even the most clear minded of grown adults. First we lose our manager of 11 years, followed by most of our squad. Then the government try to bring in that 'porn pass' thing and then just as we think we might actually understand it all, they delay it at the last minute! Plus to top things off. England have become World Champions at Cricket. Yes, England. World Champions. At fucking cricket of all things. Barmy.

Sunday, 14 July 2019

It's An Epilogue

They say that a week in football is a long time. Well if that's the case, then eleven weeks without any kind of football to watch feels like a bloody lifetime. Because it's been nearly three months since we last saw a Sutton side round off a very drab final third of the season with a disappointing performance right up there with paying $150 for a prostitute in Sydney and failing to get an erection.

Friday, 14 June 2019

Robin Friday - The Greatest Footballer You Never Saw

Many footballing superstars have graced the pitch at Sutton United down the years – far too many to mention here – but there’s one player who stepped out of the GGL tunnel as a kid back in May 1972 who really should have gone on to become a household name. A lad by the name of Robin Friday.

Wednesday, 29 May 2019

¿Dónde está Debbie de Bolton? - Football Abroad

So our lil' jaunt on the Spanish Main continues to roll on. The moving of our planned match of Chairman Totts much beloved Hercules from Sunday to Saturday at such a short notice had scuppered our original plan. But from somewhere, the footballing ground-hopping gods have given us a lifeline as a match is found at short notice for the Sunday.

Sunday, 26 May 2019

Cuidado con ese árbol! - Football Abroad

A tough, grinding season's finally over, the manager has fucked off and so far so has about half of last year's squad. So you'd think now would be a good time to go and rediscover real life, start clocking up the brownie points with the other halves and generally forget all about the beautiful game for a few weeks. Especially as there's no World Cup on (FIFA or CONIFA!) to keep you otherwise amused? Wrong. You go find yet more football, obviously. Preferably somewhere with nicer weather and cheaper beer. And the more obscure the better.

2018/2019 Season Review - Part 3

Yes. We've finally made it. The third and final episode of our Season Review for 2018/19. So far in Part 1 and Part 2 you've heard how we started well, played in Europe, lost 2 penalty shoot outs, had lots of injuries, got knocked out of the FA Trophy, got put back in the FA Trophy and then got knocked out of the FA Trophy again before reaching the magic 52 points mark. So pretty low key stuff really. Still, at least it all sets up a properly exciting conclusion to the season eh? Uh, yeah, about that....

Friday, 10 May 2019

2018/2019 Season Review - Part 2

Welcome to Part Two of our annual Season Review! We're guessing the first bit was alright if you've come back for another helping. Still, s'pose you need something else to follow devotedly now that Game of Thrones thing is pretty much done and dusted eh? So, in Part One we made a decent start, got more than half our required survival total on the board, played in Europe, exited Europe, majorly upset part of East London and scraped into the First Round of the FA Cup. So pretty quiet really all told.

Well, what are you waiting for? Part Two's thataway. Over there. No, not there, there. To your left. No, your other left. Oh for god's sake...

Monday, 6 May 2019

2018/2019 Season Review - Part 1

Following last year's latest record breaking campaign and somewhat comfortably negotiating that 'tough second season' thing you always read about, we had to wonder what was coming next in 2018/19. Would we be even better? Would we suddenly find ourselves, absurdly, a Football League club come May? Or would it all be a proper fucking disaster and end with ignominious failure and a return to the National South? Ha! Like we're going to tell you that in the first para of a three part season review. Suckers!

Monday, 29 April 2019

Where's the Pie?

So that's it once again for another season of football for our dear old Sutton United. This has been another one of those campaigns where we've had some great highs and yet again, some shit lows that come with our adventures. And of course, it ends on a limp whimper. But now it's time to say goodbye and fuck off to 2018/19 with one more blog.

Tuesday, 23 April 2019

Snide Walnut Whip

Can we be honest with each other? We’ve knocked around together for a while and you should have got the measure of me by now and if you haven’t, I can’t really help you. Because here’s the thing – playing a team that is already relegated when you have nothing much to pitch for yourselves is basically the footballing equivalent of necrophilia.

Sunday, 21 April 2019

Eighteen Hours or More

With the season burning down rapidly to the dog end of the Summer, we don't mind admitting a few of us are looking froward to the break. This season has been testing for many reasons, mostly financial and alcoholic in our case admittedly, but still it's been a tough 9 months for all concerned, not least our squad which is showing attrition levels somewhere on a par with Blackadder Goes Forth's 'Twenty Minuters'.

Tuesday, 16 April 2019

Who Throws a Shoe?

In Arab culture, showing the sole of your shoe has long been seen as an insulting gesture. So hitting someone with a shoe is naturally seen as even worse an insult. Arabs consider the sole of the shoe unclean because it is in contact the ground and associated with the foot, the lowest part of your body. So clumping someone with your trainer shows that the recipient is considered to be even lower than that. Which is why when Saddam Hussein’s statue was toppled in the centre of Baghdad in 2003, the locals piled in, footwear in hand.

Monday, 8 April 2019

Rumble Our Blanks

Oh Sutton United. You most definitely know how to put the cat amongst the pigeons don't ya? Just when we you think that the team have already sacked off the rest of the season, up pops up Craig Eastmond with a 95th minute headed winner at the back post to once again give ignite false dreams of the ye olde fabled lands of the top 7.

Monday, 1 April 2019

A Lil' Chip Slip

There's only six games of what is turning into a bastard slog of a season to go and the play-offs might be only four points away but they could be twenty points for all it matters. The way the results have been coming in recently, we'd be going down if we hadn't already acquired enough points. Ever want to depress yourself, then just have a butchers at our current form. Very uninspiring.

Sunday, 24 March 2019

Chezzy Balls

What’s the best invention ever?

It’s subjective isn’t it? Some would go with the wheel, others lager and many wouldn’t give a shit as long as it doesn’t involve a Brexit panel discussion involving the usual parade of know-nothing politicians and fuckwit commentators grifting a living out of something they understand less than my cat. You will get my point and if you think this missive has started off a trifle larey you wait till I get onto BT Sport and East Midlands Trains. I don’t want to loose off all my bile in one heave.

Tuesday, 19 March 2019

Ctrl, Alt & Delete

Hello readers, welcome to another blog in the history of Gandermonium, and let us hope that this one reads more positively to recent events.  Mostly those being the form of the team which has been poor to put it politely. If you did not already know by now but on Tuesday saw the embarrassment of losing 3-0 at home to bottom of the league Braintree who are surely destined for the National League South.

Wednesday, 13 March 2019

Lucky to Get Nil

So, what's everyone got planned for the summer then? Going anywhere nice on your holidays? Maybe a bit of sun and sea, or are you a traditional staycationer sort? Me and the missus are thinking about Malta this year actually. What? I'm just asking! I'm really genuinely interested in our readers well being and what they're up to. Oh I see, you're one of those cynical types that is sat there thinking this is just some load of old flannel to avoid talking about a season that is going downhill quicker than Boeing's share price. Well, in that case you'd be absolutely bang on.

Monday, 11 March 2019

Whip It Like Devo

So the Sutton Mega bus carries on falling down the mountain. Wins these days are getting to become a bit of a rarity, certainly so far in 2019. Looking in the books and you can see that we now have a very miserable record of only two wins in thirteen attempts. But we're still a little way off from our rather limp start to the 2012/13 season. So that's a positive to take from Saturday I reckon.

Thursday, 7 March 2019

Birthday Bashed

As luck would have it, our beloved Sutton United FC was born on this day back in 1898, so what better way to celebrate a 121st year of shit Non-League football than to pop 230-odd miles up the road to the outskirts of Manchester for a few beers and a game? Well, we were born in a pub after all, so the beers are at least topical. However we feel the original boys who set this thing up in the room above the Robin Hood would probably never have heard of a place called Salford, let alone travelled there. And to them, the 'Class of 92' simply meant their last year at the local grammar school.

Monday, 4 March 2019

If I Had a Hammer

Greetings readers and welcome to another Robbo blog for the league fixture versus Hartlepool United.  Let me recap the week’s events where yours truly had to visit the wonderful town of Dover for work purposes rather than National League ones. I think it is fair I should state at this point that there are only two good things about Dover: 1. The views you get of the English Channel on the train journey in; and 2. Leaving Dover.

Monday, 25 February 2019

Britney Spears Doppelganger

Greetings pop pickers and discerning Non-League blog readers. My you're looking well. Have you been away, got a bit of sun? Maybe it's a new haircut? No? Oh well, never mind, either way you're looking fabulous today. Us? Well thanks for asking. Ok, so we've got the sort of injury list that would make Florence Nightingale think "Fuck this!" and go get a job stacking shelves in Tescos and we're finding goals as hard to come by as a Faberge Egg at a boot sale, but other than that, musn't grumble.

Wednesday, 20 February 2019

A Mild Bee Sting

By Thor's Hammer! That result was not expected by me in the slightest. And going by the reaction inside the 'Secret Gandermonium What's Up Thingy', neither did anyone else for that matter. But this is football and more importantly, this is Sutton United. And not some knock off form of 'Championship Manager 97/98'. So we all know how they can be at times like these.

Monday, 18 February 2019

Stakeholder Engagement

Greetings loyal readers and welcome to another Robbo blog! I was messaged by our very own Dukey in the week asking if I was writing for the Barrow game. As it happened, I was unsure myself so I asked our very own Editor-in-Chief Taz and he confirmed I was indeed on duty for today.

Sunday, 10 February 2019

Lifestyle Choice

As you know I like to start off these exercises in football avoidance that masquerade as a “match day blog” with a little bit of personal history that I like to think gives you, the reader, a bit of a window into my world and give a feel for the life experiences that have been roughly stitched together to make me the man that I am today. Others may describe it as “blatant fucking filler”. I say suit yerselves.

Tuesday, 29 January 2019

Knife and Fork Affair

The internet. It's both all that is good and of course bad in this world of ours. As wonderfully useful as it is deeply troubling. And we here at the Monium of Gander are no strangers to both of these sides of the same world wide webby coin. Apart from of course bringing you this utter delight every week, it's helped us setup many interesting trips and meet lots of nice people. We'd never have met all the nice folks at Forres for instance without the interwebs. But for every friendship made and pub recommendation, there's always an Orient wanker getting you blocked on Facebook and losing you 60% of an audience you worked 3 years to build. Good and bad see?

Sunday, 27 January 2019

Banstead Mental Hospital FC

Delving into the past on a subject that has had very little coverage on-line or in print really is a shot in the dark but starting off from a few core reference points and then plunging in and seeing where the journey takes you can be hugely satisfying. And this trip through the brief senior footballing life of Banstead Mental Hospital FC ticks that box big style.

Tuesday, 22 January 2019

A Pugnacious Affair

Another match has come to pass and in the blink of a sleep-crusted eye, it's another defeat that we have to take back with us back to Sutton. So we still might not be 'back' just yet, but it was at least a better display then we've seen these recent weeks. Or that's what I'm supposed to say at least. Sending positive vibes and all that...

Tuesday, 15 January 2019

A Needless Reprieve

So was that worth it in the end do you reckon? Still, at least at this moment I suppose we could say that this year we're the worst team to take part in the FA Amateur Cup Trophy. Because only Sutton can lose two games in the competition in a row. But as you know, away days are not just about the football, luckily for some. So there might just be a reason to carry on reading. Just skip the football part if you want...most of you usually do anyway.

Wednesday, 9 January 2019

A Dead Cert

Well that was probably to be expected then really wasn't it? I held onto my optimism for as long as I could. But the moment it evaporated was probably just as Mr X read out the team line-up as we walked from the car to the ground. Here was where I'd realise that my dreams were to once again be shattered. But someone needs to tell the story regardless, so here we go...

Tuesday, 8 January 2019

Harry Brews Up A Winner

Let me get the sentimental matters out of the way early doors by wishing our loyal readers a very Happy New Year and may 2019 be a good one for you all; well apart from any of our rival teams that is!  And also an additional point is to wish my old chum Natalie a Happy Birthday. Many happy returns!

Thursday, 3 January 2019

New Year, Same Old Sutton

Bugger the Happy New Year and all that bloody bollocks. I'm a Sutton United supporter don't you know! And I might be getting old (very slowly), but nothing seems new to me from the 24 hours before. Then again, only twenty four hours ago I was drinking in an Irish bar in Morden. And I didn't even get into any sort of trouble! But some things definitely don't change and in this case that is our beloved football team.