Uncle Bulgaria’s Sweaty Codpiece

Cup action is back on down the lane as the Super U’s are lined up to face the former crazy gang bangers in the final group match of the Papa Pizza Hut John’s Trophy. We’ve had a bit of a wobble of late with a few results not going our way as well as a few performances that will be consigned to the bottom draw of footballing experience labelled “don’t bother remembering, just awful”. But as the old farts always say, a week is a long time in football. So is a week trapped in cave, but hay ho.

At least we got that win on Saturday. Thought the match itself was proper rubbish! But the win is the most important fact and not that a Korean Satnav tried to take us over Hammersmith Bridge, which was fuckin’ shut! But it was damn lovely to be able to smoke in a ground once again. Bloody marvellous! Must have done near half a pack and took me back to simpler times. It’s actually quite surprising that we have managed to somehow miss the Wombles on their rise up the leagues (as we largely went the other way). Although there was one particular night that will remain in our memories for a very long time. The 5-2 drubbing we gave them in the Surrey Senior Cup a while back was also another personal contender to tickle my fancy.

Sutton United
The inevitable queue for a beer…

Speaking of the great Bounty of the County competition, after several times being told by various sections of the club that we were not going to enter the competition any more, it now seems that we’ve entered it. Even got a date of 30th November for it. Sheerwater at home no less. Obviously a trip to somewhere in between Woking & West Byfleet is enough to get anyone’s juices flowing. Of course my delight of once again attempting the dream were soon to be dampened by the thought the we’ll probably send out the kids once again and ruins this old man’s hope of a sixteenth pot to finally level up with Dulwich.

Anyway, enough depressing talk about that old bollocks, because I’ll need that filler for the blog I will no doubt have to submit for that game when it comes around. And back to the action of the Tops Pizza Papa John’s Trophy. With the possibility that there was a scenario that we could not progress through to the knockout stages, the usual, they do something and you do something else. But the basic jist is anything other than a defeat would see us through. It was a bit more confusing for the Ding Dons however if they lost by one goal or some sort of bollocks, but I really can’t be arsed to get into it all. The Father Outlaw had offered his services to drive to the match, and with my poor motor deader than a Kier Starmer government, I readily accepted. This was made especially sweet as I also managed to bag the Gandermonium VIP, Executive Parking Space as The Firm Leader, who usually nabs this valuable bit of West Sutton real estate was in the Fatherland on ‘ze business’ this week and unable to attend. Hopefully he’s secured me some duty free snouts or maybe a piece of the Berlin Wall when he gets back. I’d prefer the snouts if I’m honest.

Sutton United
Busy tonight…

With the amount of people now converging on Gander Green Lane these days, the unfortunate scenario is that getting a drink in a short space of time is a near bloody miracle. So much so that people are now buying cans from Day’s and drinking outside the former Plough. The Father Outlaw was also not happy in the length of time he needed to wait for a burger. No pleasing some people! There was of course a few changes to the side. Six in the end. This gave those on the fringe a much needed run around. One name that was a blast from the past in the opposition team line up was Darius Charles who I’d completely forgot played for them. 2007 was the year when he made a few (7) appearances in THAT fuckin’ gawd awful season.

House, Wyatt, Rowe, Goodliffe, Kizzi, Davis, Smith, Boldewijn, Korboa, Wilson, Bennett. Bench Warmers: Bouzanis, Milsom, Randall, Ajiboye, Dundas, Sho-Silva, Olaofe.

From the very start, Sutton played with a tempo not seen for a few games. With the now returned Bennett back up top, Sutton managed to find him on more than one occasion and with the opposition being made up more of kids then men, he seemed to get any part of his body to the ball with more ease. He also missed a guilt-edged chance as his headed attempt went inches wide. Smithy also saw his low effort come of the inside of the post to frustrate the home support. Bennett would also had another attempt that would’ve been a peach had it not been for Smith to run into the box and head it before him. Having Boldewijn & Korboaa on the wings gave the sides a bit of pace, even though on more than one occasion Korboaa was playing too narrow for more liking. For the Dangs Dons, being as young as they were, they offered plenty of pace without the strength to back it up. A few times the long ball seemed dangerous only to be snuff out by an incoming Brick Shit House. The half was very much in Suttons favour as they tried to create that magical opening. Only as the half wore on did the opposition manage to create some space.

Sutton United
Perfect view that….

After the half time break, Sutton continued to lean on the Wombles and it wasn’t long before they finally got the break they deserved. Bennett would once again be the vocal point as he managed to take down the ball and lay it off to Wilson. He managed to fend off the unwanted attentions of a Wimbledon defender and Lash the ball past Tzanev into the back of the net. 1-0! Sutton would continue to pepper the Wimbledon goal as several players had attempts saved or misplaced their passes/shots. Substitutions came and went that disrupted the game but that did not stop the usual deepening of the Sutton towards their goal. But they did try to kill the tie of with Tzanev being the man of the moment as he kept the Dead Dons in the tie. I seem to recall that House did not really have that much to do but watch a few wayward shots and balls across the box.

By the near end of the match, we not only had the unfortunate incident of an old boy near collapsing on The Curve and then the appearance of about a half dozen stewards as well as the club doctor on crutches (always a comforting sight that!). But after this the stewards seemed to disappear and a group of hairless nutsacks appeared to constantly scream abuse at Tzanev. Of course they haven’t been around GGL at all previously as they clearly didn’t know that he was an ex-U. And a well liked one to boot. Bunch of plonkers. Especially the virgin that thought it was funny to invade the pitch after the final whistle. Twat.

Sutton United
Half time splosh scrum…

After the match and I locate the Father Outlaw, who prefers his own traditional spot to view games at the home of Football and sacking off a nightcap we begin the walk back to the highly secret, VIP Gandermonium Executive Parking Space. We haven’t even made it out of the club driveway before the Plod have descended on the group of pre-pubescents from the end of the match. And like the great child catcher himself, whisked away the lil’ twerp who ran onto the pitch at the end. Fair play that they actually bothered. That’ll teach them. Hopefully his only football experience for a couple years now will be back playing FIFA on his fuckin’ Playstation.

Digesting the match on the way home, we definitely felt that it was an improvement on recent performances. Although you would have to take into account that it was men against boys at times tonight and not the Wombles first team. Or at least I hope it wasn’t. But there wasn’t much to complain about from a footballing side. Just maybe a lack of goals, especially considering the amount of chances we made.

Sutton United
Thought no one liked this comp??

Tranmere away this weekend is next up. Unfortunately, after my early unbroken run to the season and awaydays, yours truly hasn’t acquired enough brownie points from the Duchess to top up my account and to be able to attend that one. It was either this or Bradford away in December, but I couldn’t swing both, so Valley Parade won out in the end as it is a new ground and because I doubt the legend that is Dundo will bag the winner at Prenton this week like he did back in 2017. Although I would gladly eat humble pie if it were to happen. And be sick to the stomach for missing it.


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