Tuesday, 26 August 2014

Still Got The Boreham Wood Blues

Have you ever been kicked in the bollocks? Have you ever fallen off your bike and smashed your crown jewels on the handle bars as you went over? Have you ever had a football fired at your knackers at 90 mph, and it’s smashed you so hard you fall to the ground in agony. Oh you haven’t ever experienced this pain before. Well if you want to know how this feels then read on.

A Bank Holiday weekend, and it’s a double header. First up was the away trip to Chelmo covered very nicely indeed by our in house smart phone destroyer, Duke. More of that later.
So we do gain a point from the battle of Chelmsford pt3, and Lovelock gets sent off, which will see him suspended for a couple of games, no pressure for Mondays home game then.

Pressure we fear no such thing.  Roll on Monday. With no work and no early alarm to awake me from my pit, I take the day in my own leisure and start it off with a Juan breakfast, which consists of one black coffee, with one brown sugar, and pre-rolled cigarette- the breakfast of any decent athlete and non league football supporter! As I gaze across the land of Juan Towers and take in the descending cloud over the rolling hills of Banstead. A sudden thought struck me, it’s fucking pissing it down. Oh wonderful. How I love standing in the pissing rain watching 90 minutes of 6th tier English football.


The oppo. 


The time edging somewhat closer to one PM I grab my clobber and head off in the 500 and make tracks for the ground, dropping off my neighbour on the way, so he can rescue his Land Rover, where he had dumped it the night before as he was out on the piss. Heading through the distinct village of Carshalton, I call into the Firm Leader to see if he fancies it, nah was the reply. I even offered to pick him up! To be fair to him, in hindsight if I’d looked out the window and saw rain on scale of biblical, I probably should of fucked it off too.

Firm leader-less, I made haste towards the Gander Greeness of Lanes, dumped the motor and headed off to the bar. By this time the rain had not stopped but instead decided to get heavier, a lot heavier. So heavy in fact that the tree I parked the 500 under decided to shed its load of water right down my arse! Surely the day can only get better right? In the bar, the usual crew were there, Taz, Mr X , Burgers, but no Mrs Burgers, and all the other mob. Even Tots’ showed up for a pre match pint, in just a t-shirt, but armed with one of them Golf type umbrellas.

No sign of the Duke, well I guess he must have been doing a little OT  for the inbreds at Kingston Council, well that’s how he refers to them anyway!

Time pressing, I made like a tree, and fecked off to the Club Shop to arm myself with a Umbrella for the game. £15 quid it cost me, it will probably only last me a couple of weeks given my track record with random shit that I purchase. Brolly in hand I decide not to brave the conditions just yet, but head off towards the new stand down the Collingwood, praying that we would in fact win the toss and being shooting in this direction as per the norm. Well as luck would have it I guessed right. A 50/50 gamble, and my luck paid out! If you wish to know the winning balls for this week’s lotto draw, then come ask me because I’m so lucky. Sarcasm and satire in one sentence, check me out.

Onwards to the game. In the normal circumstances I would list the line up, and all that crap. But today I simply can’t be bothered, because those that watched will know, and secondly the more I have to re-live yesterdays dire performance the more annoyed I become. So if you wana know the line up, you can check it out on twitter.

So, 1st half under way, and well the conditions are not easing up at all. Its pissing it down at GGL, surprisingly however the pitch still looks untouched . Clearly the work in the summer is paying dividends. In normal circumstances, I’m sure as hell this kind of weather the game would have normally been called off. Back to the game, well what can I say, chances created 2 or maybe three. Those being one from Jessy smashing his effort over the bar at full stretch from a cross into the box. Jessy also working his magic by getting in and behind the Wood defence, to knock the ball past the Wood keeper only for to lace it a little too hard, past the oncoming JT. from one cross, The same can also be said for Wood. A goal line clearance from Clough to keep us in it at the break. Wood However, do at times seem to be playing the better football.

Wet net!


HT and its stalemate, by this time I’ve seen old Dukey boy, and well he made with just 10 minutes to go before KO. So we headed off to Rose’s for a brew and would you Adam and Eve it the rain for just a few minutes seems to ease off, and allows to enjoy our tea and savoury snacks until the players emerge from the tunnel, and yeah you guessed it the rains comes back, FFS, yeah bored of getting wet now! 2nd half under way, and it’s, much of the same. Conditions under foot not making the task in hand easy. Our luck however changes for the better from a set piece, well corner kick that comes in from the left and there's a charge of bodies into the box, and both Duns and Lewis are claiming it. I look at Duke, Duke looks at me, we go with OG but Mr Mills sets us straight and claims a Lewis finish from a dink on from Duns. Well if Mr Mills says it, then so be it. Rain watch, yeah still standing in the Shoebox, and yeah its still pissing it down.  A few words muttered between us 3 amigos, myself the Duke and Mr Mills, we could sneak this one here fellas, we could be having these 3 points, and well how fucking wrong we where!

Wet action.


Here comes the kick in the bollocks: Lewis John picks up a yellow for a cynical foul. The free kick is driven in and Sutton not switched on, the Wood forward drifts off his marker and with the lightest of  touches puts the ball past Julian and Wood are back in the game.

Here comes the handle bar, bollock whacker: A Sutton attack allows a quick distribution from the Wood keeper out to the left flank, a low cross in to the man on the edge of the box, whom creates space and time and drills in a low shot from just outside the area that gave Julian no chance to make a save.

Last but no means least, the 90 m.p.h ball to the crown jewels: Again the same thing happens from a Sutton attack. Dammy Shiita just lets the man go past him without even sticking a boot in, again he creates space, and the Sutton back four just let him have all the time in the world to create apace and fire a shot off, again Julian in the sticks has no chance.


Final score, we lose 3-1.

We'll leave you to guess why this is here....


But, what niggles me the most is we seem to want to always walk the ball into the back of the net. We keep possession, and knock it about. Yes yes that’s all good and pleasing on the eye, but whatever happened to having a go, you know testing the oppo’s keeper. I can’t remember the last time I witnessed a shot on goal from range. One that is on target and one that really tests the keeper. We have got this playing style –similar to Arsenal, but without the players that Arsenal have of course, where we continue to try at times to hard to break it down, but with no attempt on goal. Lets take it back to the basics and bring that lump Dundo make into the mixer, and let him drive and have a pop at goal. Full backs/ central defenders whatever you want to call them. hate. In fact it’s their number one hate when forwards drive in from a central position, because they just can’t deal with it. So Drive Dundo, smash ‘em !

Time to head back to the bar. Heal the wounds with beer. A lot of beer.

The best and only entertaining thing to come out of tonight's game, is the fact that to of our very own special in more ways than one fans/supporters/workers bar staff however you want to refer to them decide to get involved with the latest craze to hit the social media out lets. The Ice Bucket Challenge. I myself don’t get it, but clearly these wing nuts do. So yeah you tip a bucket of ice water over your head, nominate other people to do it and it all raised money for charity. If you say so..... So yeah I larfed a lot. About the best thing that bought a semi smile to my face the whole day. Bar closing down early, we basically were told to go home to our loved ones, or something along those lines. Or the old don’t you have homes to go to spiel. Er no, this is our home don’t you know.  So we fucked off, myself and the Duke went for a candle light dinner for two at the local McDonalds. The bird behind the jump at McD’s even asked if we were “together” either she was taking the piss or she just wanted to save cleaning up two trays worth of junk food wrappers, cheeky mare!






Another highlight of the day, was later in the evening Duke called me to tell me that as he drove off from Mcds and after getting all the way home, he spent a few minutes searching for his mobile blower, but couldn’t find it, even though when calling it was ringing, but not in his house or car mind you. So off he went all the way back to the car park, and there it was, lying in a puddle in the car park of McDonalds, what a DICK!

Until next time folks....Juan.

Attendance: not very happy!

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