Sunday, 2 August 2015

Minority Report

So, the last of the PSFs. And it was back to me to cover it, seeing as Totts had been on duty during the week to do the Bobbins two bob 3G pitch. So I said to the EIC I’d cover the last game before the season gets under way, I’m now somewhat regretting that decision and idea.

First on the Agenda before kick off was a quick call to Frakey let him know more family archived Sutton United gear had been found and sorted through, and did he want to get his grubby little mitts all over it? Of course he did, so heading out my first call of the day was Frakey’s gaff, 

Old football porn

After a quick chat with the oracle of SUFC history I made like a tree to Duke’s, as a few weeks back I borrowed some DVD’s and today was the day to return them. Now when I say DVD’s and the fact they belong to Duke, I know exactly what you are thinking. Well l must say when I borrowed them I did think for a second that maybe the contents of the case may not be what was stated on the cover, thankfully however I didn’t end up with the world’s top 50 SSBW moments, or 100 best midgets bangers. Because, as we all know Duke’s fantasies are a little......warped.

Having spoken to his lordship the night before I told him I’d pick him up about 1pm, needless to say I was late arriving after my historical stop off and, well, on arrival you could see he was a little annoyed. Mainly as he was standing on the corner of his road, tapping at his watch. And he doesn't even own a watch. He then gave me some old speech about how you should never be late and how he has missed out on drinking at least two pints due to the time lost.....blah blah blah. Oh well never mind eh Duke!

A quick 5 minute drive through the back of Carshalton and down the A217 we headed over to Mr X’s gaff to park up, seeing as I’m too tight to pay the new £2 charge for the car park, and Mr X had told me I could park on his all new shiny paved driveway. However Mr X clearly had given this some thought and didn’t want any oil stains on his new driveway and made me park on the road instead. A little walk down the road, further to the disgust of Dukey and even more VDT lost....

Straight into the bar, and the only recognisable face was that of Steve who was sat down at a table nursing his pint of some flavoured Strongbow fake cider. Well naturally we joined him at the table, which was somewhat rather formal for us mere peasants. The discussions turned to that of Southampton’s win in the week in the Europa League along with West Ham’s entry into the Europa League via the 'Fair Play' backdoor and that fact they’ve had 3 sending off’s in 4 games, which is somewhat ironic. A quick gulp of the cider, and we were all called into goal duty. 

60 quid for that? You were done mate!

Basically some bright spark asked us, yes us idiots, to shift some goals off the pitch. And well the outcome was rather funny. Mr X and Dukey without much thought hoisted the goals over the perimeter fence, and got covered in grease, and completely ruined their clobber, which meant a quick trip to the club shop for both of them for a new polo shirt. Duke of course claiming that his Fruit of the Loom top was worth a mere 60 notes. This man should get a job in sales, cause he talks a load of unconvincing shit at times!

Back to the bar, with everyone now sweating out like Oscar Pistorious awaiting the juries verdict, the conversation naturally turned into some weird shit, like some Thai bird playing a game of beer pong, using part of her body as the projectile. Fuck knows where this shit comes from I really have no idea. I’ve got to say the bar was stupidly empty today as only a few of the crew had bothered for this one. No sign of Loffers, think she was off in the sun somewhere. The EIC  had swerved today’s game, his mumma’s Burfday or some thing, Chalmers was having a kid’s party. So less than the usual idiots were all accounted for, Osama bin 4 days Laden, Wardy, Steve, The Duke, and even Belly had bought his brother in Law down for 90 minutes of punishment.

With the Bell sounding off in the Bar it was time to head out to the Terrace and get the game under way.


Onto the game, and well we started okay, the tempo looked pretty decent and we actually were going at with some purpose. We actually looked pretty smart for the first 20-25 minutes. We were creating some chances and I was actually impressed following the total borefest of last Saturday. Our first real decent chance of the game was from a Dundo cross into the box which Alan Julian completely flapped at and with McAllister at the far stick, it just needed the smallest of touches to bury it. And he just seemed to freeze up and just couldn’t deal with it. Looked like he couldn’t make his mind up whether to smash it off his boot or nod it in. Either way, chance gone.

Spose, I better add that Alan Julian was his typical noisy self, crying off to the lino about everything. Wind yer neck in mate, I’m surprised you ain’t injured yourself again. Twat!

Another chance created from a McAllister header back across the goal only for Stern to not keep his volley down, and instead blasted it over the bar! We create so many chances, but keep failing to find the net. Somewhat worrying when we look back at all the pre-season games and tally up the goals we’ve scored; well we can count them on one hand can’t we!

Our real next chance was a foul on the edge of the Bromley box, and what a perfect position for a free kick. Up stepped Stern, and fuck me, did it put some fierce power into it, which forced Julian to make a quality stop. I’ll give him that one!  Then the inevitable happens, Bromley have one chance, and well, they score. Sound familiar to you? A woe of last season has come back to haunt us.

Heads drop, and we drop off the pace and tempo and start playing some long ball down the wings. Wishart playing at left back, a bit of an odd one that as I always thought he was more of a winger than an attacking full back, and Southam switches over to a left winger position. Not sure I’m with that one either.


Second half, not much to note apart from once more we drift off into a day dream and we concede yet again. We even get a pen awarded (which was a clear pen) when McAllister was being molested and the fella was all over him like a cheap Estate Agent’s suit. So up steps Mickey, looking rather casual, hits it down to the keeper’s right, and the Bromley keeper deals with it well. FFS, we clearly don’t have anyone who can put a pen away under a little pressure. Come on lads , pick your spot and smash it!  The only other real highlight from the second half was that of a quality Simon Downer drives from the middle of the park, and then unleashing a shot which was saved well.

Game over, and well I’m not entirely convinced just yet. I’m not sure I’ve witnessed a starting 11. Not sure about some positions we’ve got some players playing at. I just don’t know. Talk of the terrace was, we had a shit pre-season when we won the Ryman, so let’s hope that prediction works out for us, otherwise I can see it being another long old season.

They say the proof is in the pudding, so it’s time for some of these boys to step up, and up their game and show us some quality next week.


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