Dear Juan, please can you fix it for me…. (Pt 1)

Well, with the football season closing it’s doors for a couple of months. What will we do….. to…..pass…..the…..time? Tick tock,tick tock, tick tock.

Well I’m not really sure, but seeing as you’ve asked, I guess it would be rude and impolite of me, not to fill you in. And would you believe an email, yes an email arrived for me at G.H.Q the other day, and well it read a little along these lines……


Dear Juan, 

Please can you fix it for me.

It’s been a long time since I’ve been abroad, and I’d really love to see a little bit of that round yellow ball that burns brightly in the sky, but in England we really don’t see it much. Also is there any chance I could possibly spend 10 days of it somewhere warm, with a nice climate. As you know, working for Kingston Council, as a recycling engineer, doesn’t pay out in huge monthly tokens, so somewhere cheap would be a bonus too! If there’s any chance of a beer or two, that would be a nice touch!


Dukey (aged 27) xxx


Juan is spelt.. JUAN, not….oh never mind…..

And the response to Duke’s request, went something like this.…..


Dear Duke

Yes, Juan sure can fix it for you! How about ten days in the sun? How about the Algarve, hows does that sound? I tell you what seeing as I’m feeling rather saucy, I’ll even throw, in a few swimming pools, a local beach and free accommodation, cause that’s the kinda guy I am! As an extra bonus, well even throw in some cheap Portuguese Beers, and to top that off, I’ve even arranged for you to watch a game of football whilst your out there!

Just make sure you take pics of the game, and write up a decent match report, for Taz to read. And make sure it’s better than that tosh you served up after the Salisbury home game!


Juan xxx


So that’s right ladies and Gents, myself and Duke are off to watch a game of Football in Portugal, and well a holiday. I say holiday, well I’m going  on Holiday with Duke, so it’s not so much of a Holiday for me, but ensuring that Dukey boy doesn’t get himself arrested, after drinking Portugal dry of ‘SuperBock’ or ‘Crystal’ beer reserves …and  he ends up spending his 10 day holiday in a Portuguese prison cell.You ever seen that T.V programme Banged up Abroad? Well then you’ll know what I’m talking about. You think I’m joking…I’m deadly serious, probability is high, extremely high! Lets, face it if Duke doesn’t get nicked by the Portuguese Rozzers for his starting a riot through the wonder of drink, he’ll get nicked for indecent exposure walking down the beach in his ‘budgie smugglers’….for those that wish to see a very close version of Duke ‘doing his thing’ watch the video clip below….

I rest my case….

Not to put a downer on it, things are looking good for Portugal, when in an E.U crisis/meltdown, send in Duke he will get you outta the proverbial shit, by investing his hard earnt pocket money on every bit of cheap tat he can get his hands on!

So we’ll (I’ll)  be back in  ten days time, when we will of course fill you on the antics that we get up to, drinking stories, any dodgy bird pulling techniques, random stops at customs….and well of course, the game, the game of football we’re going to watch, in a drunken state (no change there really) and then come back, and fill you all in, with the details of course! So with our Sutton shirts packed, sombrero ready to go, notepad and pen armed and the Shoebox Union Jack flag, neatly folded and prepped for some Portuguese Terrace action …. see you in 10 days……Gatwick here we come!

The authorities await the arrival of the ‘Sutton Two’…..

God help me…..what have I let myself in for?

Oh and for those that wish to have a looksie on Google, we are off to watch Esp. Lagos V.s At. Reguengos this coming Saturday, Kick off at 16:00 Hrs local time. So when we return. I’ll bring you a full match write up, lots of snazzy pics too, and any other appropriate material and I can get my hands on. (oo-er! – Taz)

Aye carumba! That’s Portugesey innit?

To be continued…..



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