Sunday, 15 December 2013

Clear and Present Danger

The Resurrection of Juan. After a bit of a break from doing the write ups for various reasons on Gandermonium, for two reasons mainly. The shackles of love holding me down, and the lack of permission slips from she who must be obeyed!

That’s right I’m back for more...more pain, pleasure, football, and shit! So lets wind the clock back, and take a look at this week’s events. It’s been a bit of a shit house week for a member of the crew, Dukey!

After making the trip down to Wood on Monday night, he returns home to find his front door smashed in by the local scum, and his house has been turned over. Worst of all, the pikey scum bags made off in his motor, of which contained one of Dukes most loved possessions, the Surrey Senior Cup constructed of course from the finest Tin Foil! Poor fella.

Look on the bright side though Duke, at least they didn’t look under your mattress; you’ve still got your collection of midget porn DVDs, and the sacred collection of Flat Caps! #prayforduke.

This is probably a fake....

Back on track, our newest recruited member of Gandermonium Totts gave us his account of Wood away, which saw us bag the 3 points, which sent us up the table to third. With two wins on the bounce, hopefully today, we can continue our climb, which in hope will see us climb into second, if lady luck is with us!
Today’s opponents are Tonbridge, a bit of a bogey side for us across the years. Tonbridge currently lying in the bottom 3 of the Skrill South, I’m sure they will come to us in full force, needing a win to lift them out of the shit! For those religious readers of Gandermonium, you would have seen Dukes write up on the away fixture, Who are Tud-Binge Angles? If you fancy a read of this one, you’ll find the link in the September Archive!


“Rejoice, O young man, in thy youth”- Ecclesiastes.

To me, that translates to, it’s Saturday, time for football, and time for a few ! So here we go. A quick walk up the cobbles to Banstead Train Station to join my train into Sutton. A few minutes pass, and I jump on the train heading into West Sutton, where I locate the Duke, still wearing his sorrow frown. A short blast down the path, and we are in, back home, in the bar. A few pre-match drinks pass their way down the Billy Goat!

Home of the occasionally alright U's....

With the time now pressing 2:45 it was time for me to leave the others at the Bar, so I could head over to the club shop to pick up a replica shirt, well in advance for our trip to Serbia in May next year. Having paid the man, I linked up with the old man, and we headed down the terrace to take our positions for the game. The old man feeling the cold, stayed under cover out of the cold and blowy conditions, and headed over to the usual spot behind the goal at the Collingwood Road End.

Onto the game, and well clearly this was going to be a tough one. The pitch looking heavy, from the rain the night before, and with gusts blowing across the park, we would have to keep the ball on the deck as best we could, and keep it simple.

So with kick off under way, we started at a reasonable pace out the blocks, the conditions clearly taking toll, on our preferred technique. Some 14 minutes pass, Scannel wins a free kick out on the left flank, on the outside of the box. Nelson steps up, and delivers the ball into a crowded box, the ball heading deep across the box, finds Clough rising high, Clough connects and powers the ball of his forehead into the back of the net. 1-0 Sutton, happy days! Up steps Greek with the winning Golden Goal Ticket, the first time he has won it I believe.

Action action action!

Tonbridge under clear instructions from their manager Warrilow, don’t hold back, and start to press our back four. Tonbridge ping the ball out into the both channels, which causes us a few problems at the back, as we seem to get caught under pressure. A cross comes in from the right, and Lovelock makes a great save, but Chris Piper follows up, and taps it in. A lack of concentration, and lack of pressing the ball, costs us our lead. Tonbridge now full of confidence continue to press us, and we seem to struggle to win anything in the middle of the park. Before the half time whistle is blown, we are awarded a free kick on the outside of the box, in an ideal position. With a 5 man wall protecting the Tonbridge goal, Rents steps up for this one, and blasts it over the bar. Well that for me kind of sums up the frustration.

A quick half time cup of tea, and snickers, we all resume our position in the shoebox, for the 2nd 45.Well the second half started poorly, again we seemed and looked tired. Clearly the conditions under foot taking its toll, on members of the squad. We lacked composure in the middle of the park, and kept giving the ball away time after time. A further lack of concentration, and giving the ball away, we go and get punished for it. Typical really, kind of makes the win on Monday and all the hard work go down the drain. An exchange of personal , Slabbs makes way for Downer, and Clough pushes up top. Seems we’re going for it, trying to pull one back for the draw! Our last chance of the game falls to Ali, a free kick awarded on the outside of the box; Ali steps up, and pings it round the wall, the Tonbridge dives to his left, and gets the slightest of touches, and the ball hits the post. What a bullock! Final whistle blown it finishes Sutton 1-2 Tonbridge. Not impressed with today’s performance if I’m brutally honest. With the players we have, and the skill sets we should really be turning over teams that sit in the bottom of the league. Fair play to Tonbridge, they took their chances we didn’t.

Getting set....

So we head off to the bar, to drown our sorrows, the usual is ordered, ciders and various other measures of booze. Knocking back a few Bulmers, time was pushing on, and it was the time for the Strikers Are Key draw. The lucky number gets pulled from the velvet bag, and Scanners steps up, but sadly pulls an incorrect key to open the safe. So the 700 large rolls over to Boxing Day, plus a further 200 notes and any potentially more if Slabbs or Duns bags some goals. All the members of the firm were gathered by the pool table, and Binns is just behind us, having just signed a shirt which was auctioned for charity. Pen still in his hand, Duke boys flat cap gets thrown over the table into the hands of Binns, who does the honours and signs Dukes Flat cap. Well if Dukes week couldn’t get any worse, it sure has now!

Ere, some git's scribbled on your hat!

Drinking up, we do the usual after any home game, and well you know the score, head off down the cobbles into Sutton in the Direction of the Grapes. God only knows how we haven’t been banned from this place. With the Grapes pretty rammed out for a Saturday night, we struggle at first to get hold of a table until me and Mr X bag us a table or two, and we take over the entrance to the Pub. The normally Saturday night procedure is carried out for us , food is ordered to absorb the vast quantities of liquid already consumed. Dukey and Al Chalmers finally join us, after nursing their pints back in the Club Bar some 1 hour or so later and well this is where it all goes downhill. First of all, one person is caught on camera in a rather compromising position in the Gents facilities.

Fucking tourist!

No names, and no pictures I’m afraid, these are the rules. 2nd to that shit starts to fly over the pub, empty fag boxes end up in pint glasses, followed by a dose of Mayonnaise poured into a pint of Fosters. This is well the whole night went downhill and fast, a member of the firm decides he’s had enough of these games and leaves. Soon to follow is Loffers, and P.C. With a full glass of Gin on the table, the Editor in Chief leaves, as does Al Chalmers, which leaves me and Dukey to entertain the locals, and on second thoughts after a quick glance at the current clientele, we think fuck this, and head off up the High Street in the direction of the faithful and forever reliant Tapuri.

Late night watering hole.

I for one can tell you, when you’ve had a few, walking up the steady incline to the top of the High Street can feel like you’ve just climbed Everest!  On arrival at Tapuri the place is empty, so we order up a couple of bottles of Becks, and some grub, to settle the noises coming from the booze filled stomachs. We get chatting to the owner of the establishment, and as luck would have it, we sit back and relax watching Clear and Present Danger, going through various quotes from this Film. Some 45 mins in, and the establishment turns into a night club venue, the local scruff pour in from all directions. Time to call it a night me thinks. 1:20 AM and it’s cab time, good night Vienna !


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