It’s Sunday morning, and I’ve just woken up! The Mrs wakes
up next to me, and tells me that I stink like death. Well I tell her, it must
have been that last can of Strongbow that I consumed on the Tube back from
Euston. Well where do I Start with this one? I guess I’d better
rewind, and go back into the depths of the last 24 hrs.
So its Saturday
morning, and I’m awoken by the vibration of my phone having some kind of fit.
So I jump out of my pit, and carry out the standard three S’s! Shower, shave and
S**t! I grab my clobber for the day, and head out into the darkness of Thames
Ditton , and make my way to the Train Station to grab the 06:26 Train into
The whole of Thames Ditton is clearly still sleeping away,
something I should be doing really. Instead I’m up and out at silly o clock in
the morning, to go and watch the beloved U’s. So arrival into Waterloo, and I
have to make a little de-tour to spend a penny, well 30 actually. 30p to take a
slash is a bit steep; after all we are still in a recession! Zipped up, I make
my way down the Northern line to once again meet the other members (idiots) of
the firm making the trip up North to Kiddie! Well my arrival into Euston is early,
so I’ve got time on my hands. A quick
divert for a coffee, and a smoke, and I feel a little more alive-dunno why I
decided to get up to London so early, but hey ho, goes with the territory of
living out in the sticks I spose. Coffee consumed and the members of the firm
arrive, bar one. The Duke running late misses his train. The train according to
Duke was early, so that’s why he missed, well that’s what he told us. Sounds
like a little bit of bull, oh well. All women, men and children accounted for,
tickets for the Virgin Train were handed out, and we sped off down the platform
to find our section (not 1st class) to cause havoc for the next hour
Members of the firm looking a little fatigued, our leader
decided it was time to crack on with his trademark gift to us all, Vodka Jelly.
It was only 08:50 am and we were eating this vile stuff. An instant shot of wake up juice to those
lagging/ sleeping! With the Jelly consumed, it was time for the first cider of
the day to make an appearance, at 09:05. No wonder we were getting some strange
looks from the other passengers that decided to embark on this Midland Service.
|Cider, Vodka jelly, stickers…..|
Again by my own fault (I only have myself to blame) the
conversation turns to Juans mum once more. I tell you I’ve heard so many sexual
innuendos before in my life. Still you got to take it on the chin right, after
all I’m a team player, or some shit! Train journey going well, we rock up in
Coventry, and we all know the history behind Coventry. So a member of the firm,
jumps off the train, and jumps up, and slams a SUFC on tour sticker on the
Coventry Train Station sign! Ha , we will never forget that moment of glory.,
and clearly now, all you Coventry Fans will have a permanent reminder! The Train pulls into Brum, and we all grab
our gear, and make for the exit, only to stumble on ticket control ( looks like
passport control to me ) a quick check of tickets, and numbers and we head out
down the cobbles of Brum, and head to the next Station, to find out connecting
Train Station, just a few minutes’ walk.
We’ve made good time. In fact so good, that we jump on an
earlier train to take us into Kiddie (insert poor taste joke here). On board
the train, we were all picking up some funny looks, from what looks like a
ticket inspector, and some other official looking chap that works for the
Midlands choo choo train company. Clearly these two fellas aren’t impressed
with our drinking at just gone 10:00 am.
So he decides to check that our
tickets are in order. Sorry fella, you won’t be throwing us off this time! So
our train takes us further and further into the Midlands. Every station we pass
just seems to get grimmer and grimmer, most resembling a war torn city. Well
they say it’s grim up North, whoever they is, got it bang on the money! Touchdown
in Kiddie some 40 minutes later, and it’s pissing it down, typical really,
still I’m glad I had my Heb B jab in the week, so at least I’m covered in case
I touch or pick up anything nasty like!
The E.I.C had printed off a map of the local pubs, and
he had been advised not to head into the town centre, but stay near the
station, as there were plenty of pubs on offer in the local area-so we did just
that! Arriving into Kiddie early, the first pub we came to The King and Castle
was still closed so we had a little time on our hands. So I left the crew to
doss about, and I went off for a gander at the local shops, and stumbled across
one of those Army and Navy type shops that sell all the ex-military gear. The
first thing that caught my eye was a balaclava. Ha perfect for Dukey, he loves
a nice hat does our Dukey, and well for the cost of just £2 it was a no
brainer. Now you can be ‘Ultra Duke ‘!
|The best we could manage was a Duke…..|
The pub now opened we headed in, the
first order of the day, was a cider for myself, I think it may have been an Old
Bessie, can’t remember if this is right, but it was a good tasting cider. This
pub, was rather quaint, a marble top bar, with a good choice of beers, ales and
ciders on offer, decorated throughout with black and white pictures, and old
photographs displaying the history of the Train Station next door. With our
glasses empty, it was time to leave this historic pub behind and head onto the
next one. As luck would have it the next one was directly opposite. For a
second I felt like I was back in Brighton, this pub again covered with Scaffold
on the outside, rain still coming down we headed in side. Now then this one was
a little more up our street, with a section dedicated to Pool Tables, and a
Dart Board. The Firm decided they would take up the offer of a game of spears
and board. Mr X bagging himself a perfect 3 dart finish, pure luck I
reckon. Mr X so happy with his finish,
danced around like the gaff, like he’d just scored a winning goal at Wembley !
Time to leave and move onto the next pub. With map in hand with all followed
our leader to the next pub. This one looked more like a converted Cottage from
the outside. A few of the locals were drinking in this one, we made a quick pit
stop in this one, as the owner of the pub, was blasting the heating, clearly
trying to get us to buy more booze to keep cool. We knocked back the pints and
bolted for the exit. A further short walk down the road, we found ourselves at
the next boozer on route.
Best to point
out at this stage Duke found himself a little local pussy, of the four legged
kind. Beggars can’t be choosers Dukey boy !
|Insert obvious ‘pussy’ joke here….|
So inside The Cricketers Arms the
round was ordered from the Whip. The typical drink per person, ciders, and even
a top shelf may have been ordered. A nice little pub this one, a bit more
spacious with a Bowling Green adding to it’s character! This one was good,
local rolls filled with cheese for a quid, touch ! Even a Juke box, we love a
juke box. Whilst making ourselves at
home, news filtered through via text, and twitter that the Supporters Coach had
been delayed, due to the Coach Driver going via Wales or something. Clearly the
Supporters stuck on the A roads weren’t happy with the Drivers decision to take
an odd route, by some of the texts being received, stating that their estimated
arrival time was 15:20, not good!
So we thought we’d better leave this pub
behind and head off to the ground to make plenty of noise to make up for our
missing in action support. Off we
stumbled down the local back streets, making a circle route back towards the
ground. With time time, just passed two PM we went into the Harriers Bar for a
couple of drinks pre game to wet our whistles ready for the chants. Most went
for the usual glass fillers, and even a couple of top shelf Gins too ! Time to make our way around to our segregated
section of Kiddie ready for kick off. Lucky for the 56 souls on board the
coach, they mamaged to just about arrive on time for kick off, phew!
|There were many many pubs….|
Onto the game, well if I’m honest by this stage I was a
little, how do you say, erm , under the influence of the liquid I’d been
consuming for the last 4 hours, so I apologise in advance but I can’t remember much
apart from the following.
Cloughie rising up early on in the game, and putting us one
up, after 10 or so minutes, and what a peach of a finish it was. As expected,
we all went a little mental, as you do. Sadly we couldn’t hold onto the lead,
and Kiddie came back and equalised soon after. Damn shame that, if we could
have held out a little longer we may have settled, and kept our shape. Soon after Kiddie continued to apply the
pressure, and could clearly see the difference between conny couth and conny
prem football, and the quality. Don’t get me wrong I’m not saying we didn’t
play well, but you could see the difference in the full time step up. You can
easily see why Kiddie are top of the conny prem, they played some great one
touch football at time, with great movement and pinging the ball out wide, and
creating time, and space.
|Obligatory action shot….|
Still we did keep pressing on, and we did create some
chances. However at the back Rents was under constant threat and pressure down
the left flank. So after the first 45
minutes we went down 2-1, and well after the break, if you were there is F.A.
cup tears. Scanners had a great opportunity to pull one back, but a great save
kept the ball out. Kiddie went on to put a further two into the back of
Lovelocks net, and that’s the way it finished, Kiddie 4, Sutton 1. Still we had
progressed as far as we had needed to, with the money from the previous rounds
banked. So I would imagine our focus will now turn back to the league, or as
Duke keeps reminding me the Surrey Senior Cup !
Please can we win it this year,
so Duke can be happy! Well that’s all the football content I’m giving you this
week, as there have been a few comments from some of our regular readers, that
there is just too much football on a football related website, yeah , I’ll let
you work that one out!
So we left aggy, and went back to the 2nd chosen
pub of the day, The Railway Bell, for a swift couple before alighting back at
Kiddie Train Station to grab our ride back into Brum. All was going so well for
us miss educated drinkers until I decided to pop outside for a quick smoke only
to be accosted by three of the local Skin head pro Nazi, Combat 18, EDL clan.
With my back well and truly stuck to the wall. I think you could say I was in a
little bit of a pickle, with my arse spinning like a 50p piece. I was given the
full show by these local boys, even the hatred for various ethnic groups, by
the ink stained tattoos all over their arms, neck and faces. Including their Blockbuster,
and National Front membership cards! FFS why do these local nut jobs always want
to speak to me! I clearly must have sinned today! The funny thing was Mr X
bowled past, and must have seen I was in a tight situation, but didn’t flutter
an eyelid! Time to get the hell out of
this place before anything happens.
|Welcome to Kiddy….|
With booze picked up from the local supermarket
we headed back up the hill to Kiddie Train Station to grab our ride back into
Brum. As we all get settled on the Train, the driver informs all travellers
that the train is going to be delayed due to a point’s problem on the route
back into Brum. OH GREAT, and to top it off the local wing nut Nazis are only
on the same feckin train as us, would you Adam and Eve it! Stuck in Kiddie for an hour or so, we amused
ourselves my swapping hats round members of the firm, whilst knocking back the
various drinks purchased earlier.
|So THAT’S what happened to Lt Gruber from Allo Allo!|
On the return leg, we were joined by Scouse
Neil, plenty of one liners during the return journey from him. Let’s hope he
can make another booze cruise.
Finally back in Brum, we had 12 minutes to kill before
catching our Train back into Euston. Two tasks were put to the group. The first
being food was required, the second more beers needed too. Task completed with
moments to spare, we were heading back to London. Back in London, I left the
Firm and headed back onto the Tube, and into Waterloo. On route picking up a
Burger King Football special meal deal. Today I had done the double, both
McDonalds and Burger King in one day! Have some of that you Salad lovers!! On board the Train taking me back to Thames
Ditton, a fine woman kept giving me the eye; clearly she must have been pissed.
Yep she was pissed; she wasn’t giving me the eye, but merely checking out my
onion rings and double cheese!
We came, we saw, we got f****d up!!
That’s all from the one they call Juan.