Same Shit, Different Xmas – One from the archives

This is getting a bit dull isn’t it? Since Gandermonium lurched back onto the scene, we’ve had several postponements, the latest denying us a decent Boxing Day gate at home to Bromley as one corner of the GGL baize resembled green blamange, with some sand on it. So rather than veg out on the sofa, poor Taz has had to drag his gin hangover down into the basement to reproduce the first load of crap he can dig out have a good leaf through the archives and cherry pick another of the finest historical reports we have to reproduce here for your delight.

Many people had made it clear that there was only one report they wanted to be reproduced today. Which is of course the memorable 6-0 humping we gave our dear friends Carshalton in 2003. Well, if there’s one thing we at Gandermonium can promise you, it’s that we’ll completely ignore any of your requests and do what the fuck we want.

So instead I have gone for one of the many other Festive 3pts we took from the Bobbins. But this one is from 2004 and a then still relatively rare success at Colston Ave in a come from behind win thanks to late goals from a young Craig Watkins and a Matt Gray penalty.

So, knock yourself up a turkey sarnie and zone out to some Bobbin bashing. It’s got to be better than whatever shite is on telly…..

Some scruffy old shithole….


Ryman Premier Division – 27th December 2004

At last. The big one!

For most people, Christmas is all about eating turkey, giving gifts and getting pissed a lot. For us, it means a local derby and a chance to inflict some misery on our dear neighbours from Carshalton. Oh and of course, we’ve been known to partake in the getting pissed bit on occasion.

The two sides of course met a short while back at GGL in the Carthiumleaguecupthingywotsit. Matt Gray’s last minute penalty rather satisfyingly (and amusingly) settling a fairly evenly matched clash. But that win had been a rare moment of pleasure in a season promising to be a tough slog to the finish. But, we’ve done ourselves a bit of a favour winning our last 2 games and we go into the first serious meeting with the Bobbins just 2 points behind them.

I take the short stroll up Bobbinsville High Street to the agreed meeting place of the Windsor Castle pub. I arrive 10 minutes early and I’m the first here for a change. The pub isn’t open yet and I decide to head for some cash at the petrol station up the road. Coming the other way are Millsy & Gareth. Pub should be open by now gents. Get the drinks in!

Slowly but surely, the rest of the reprobates roll in over the next half hour, along with a couple of interested AFC Wimbledon fans with nowt better to do as they’re away to Dorking the following day. Uh oh. Hope we put on a good show for the neutrals! After the usual pre-match lubrication, it’s time to pinch our noses, ignore the smell and head down to the wonderfully rustic (or should that be rusty?) Colston Avenue, home of our great rivals.

There’s a fair few people already in attendance when we enter the turnstiles. Looks like a good crowd should be cheering on the U’s today. ‘Cos we all know the Bobbins, despite their claims, are always seriously outnumbered in these fixtures. JR has made a couple of changes to the line up from our clash with Dorchester. Defender Kevin Hemsley, signed on loan from Crawley the day before goes straight into the defence, presumably to cover for the injured Quinton. The more surprising selection though is that of Scott Corbett returning to the centre of midfield. Having not played since October, we’re a little worried he might not be at his sharpest.

The opening exchanges are fairly even, with he first few minutes passing uneventfully. But it’s after 6 minutes that the first opportunity arises. The home side win a corner and it’s put in from our left. A strong header is nodded in on target, but Lewis is there to hook it off the line at the near post. Our response comes after around 10 minutes. A Gray ball in from the right finds Watkins. He can’t get a shot off, but the ball runs to Joff & his hooked shot brings a reaction save from the portly Searle in the Bobbins goal. Another moment follows shortly after, with a free-kick swung in from the left. As the crowd of players jump, a white clad arm definitely comes out highest and deflects the ball over everyone else & out for a throw on the far side. Naturally, the Lino & ref see nothing.

The game is developing into a tight & scrappy derby encounter with the main battles being fought in midfield. Whilst a little short on good football, the game is certainly entertaining from a passion perspective! 24 minutes played and Joff loses possession in the Bobbins half. A quick pass forward finds their no9 and he turns his man before beating another. But having worked himself a good position and a sight of goal he screws his shot well wide of the mark and is rewarded by the expected hoots of derision from the away fans.

Another period passes without anything to get too excited about, then in the 37th minute, the home side win a free-kick. The irritating imp, Saunders swings the dead ball from the left into the box, where one time U, Gary Elliot gets his head to it and flicks a header beyond Wilson and into the far corner. Ooops!

Hey, did you hear that? I could’ve sworn I heard some Scummers celebrating. Nah, must be just my imagination……….

Ahead in a game like this, you’d think the Bobbins would try to stay cool & not do anything stupid to jeopardise the lead. Sadly for them, a fat useless plank masquerading as a defender by the name of Billy Harding hasn’t read this particular script. If the name sounds at all familiar to you, it’ll be because he was the doughnut who got himself sent off before half time in the Easter clash here last season for two completely stupid yellow cards in the space of a couple of minutes. Most people wouldn’t be thick enough to let something like that happen twice…….sadly, Billy isn’t most people.

With halftime barely a couple of minutes away, an everyday run of the mill foul on Akuamouah wins the U’s a free-kick a few yards inside the Bobbins half on the left. Players retreat for the set piece, but not Harding. He not only stands obstructing the kick, he kicks the ball away to prevent it being taken with the ref stood next to him. That’s dumb, pointless yellow card number one.

Eventually the free-kick is taken, it’s cleared and the ball is regained, once again just inside the Bobbins half. The ball comes loose and Brake goes to regain possession. It’s his ball, easily. At least a 60-40 in his favour. Unfortunately for our hosts, no one told Harding and he lunges in, clattering the U’s midfielder. After a bit of deliberation, the ref decides not to bottle this one and dumb pointless yellow card number two is swiftly followed by the inevitable red. And all inside 60 seconds. Cheerio mate! His stupidity earns him some abuse from the U’s fans down the side, me included. My part in this abuse in turn earns me a warning about the use of fruity language. Me? Swear at football?? I think you’ve mistaken me for someone else my friend.

The sending off throws the Bobbins slightly and they spend the last couple of minutes hanging on a bit as we have two goalmouth scrambles come to nothing. One free-kick on the left is played in towards a crowd of players in the box. Someone, Joff I think, wins the header and the ball drops, bouncing towards the now gaping net. Somehow a defender gets back to prevent it from crossing the line and then blocks a touch from Vansittart, smuggling the ball inches wide of the near post at the expense of a corner.

Being ever so indiscreet, the same steward who’d chosen to warn me a few minutes earlier ‘celebrates’ this moment like the home side have scored again. I point out that this really isn’t wise as such actions can provoke people. His opinion on this is to call me a “fucking prick” and threaten to take me “outside”.

He soon changes his tune when several other U’s fans turn their attention to him and point out that it is in fact he who is the fucking prick. The offer to take me outside is soon made out to mean a threat of ejection. Yes, of course it was mate.

The ref bringing the half to an end takes the sting out of the incident as we head round to the opposite end for the second half. With the hosts down to 10 men, there’s a real chance we could turn this around. Lets hope the guys make the most of it!

The second half starts slowly for the U’s and 3 minutes in, Saunders is allowed to pick up the ball on our left and run at the defence almost unchallenged. His dipping lob from 20 odd yards just drops over Wilsons crossbar. Sutton press, looking for an equaliser. But are finding it hard to get through the Robins defence, with skipper Carroll proving particularly annoying with his knack of getting in the end of almost every ball we put into their box. The game has been pretty competitive so far, but gets a little heated as we pass the hour mark and the tackles really start flying in.

Saunders & Gonsalves tangle out on the left when the Robins man goes through Lewis as he challenges for a high ball. The Sutton defender isn’t happy and handbags start getting swung in all directions. The ref steps in and cautions both, but with hands raised, both could easily have walked. Corbett soon joins them in the book as well for a crunching late challenge a couple of minutes after on the edge of the Bobbins 18 yard box.

The game turns on a short spell with a little over 20 minutes remaining. Saunders reacts to what seems a fairly innocuous challenge by Honey, which in turn earns the Sutton man a caution. This seems to be the last straw for the home bench and within moments, despite being the man behind most of their threatening moves, the little midfielder is replaced.

Thank you Mr Smith!

JR reacts to this change and instantly withdraws the tiring Corbett for Chris Nurse. The young midfielders introduction has an almost immediate effect. His added mobility enabling us to get forward more & finally, it looks like the man advantage might count. Indeed it is Nurse’s persistence that plays a part in the equaliser on 73 minutes. He wins the ball 20 odd yards out and manages to slip a pass through the defence down the right for Akuamouah. He crosses low into the box and Watkins pops up to hit his volley into the ground and loop over the scrambling Searle into the far corner. Halle-fucking-lujiah!

Mental celebrations naturally ensue on the away terrace. Right, now we’re level, lets fucking have ‘em!  COME ON! Just as amusing, is Millsy’s serenading of our friendly steward from earlier after he takes an ill-timed stroll past the still celebrating U’s hordes. Before we’ve really had chance to catch our breath from the equaliser, Akuamouah latches onto a ball down the left flank. With few options available to him, he cuts infield and skips past Carroll, only to be pulled down from behind in the box.

That’s a bloody penalty that is!

It’s probably the one thing the Bobbins skipper has got wrong all day. And what a way to do it! The ref takes what seems like an age to make his decision, but after a good hard look, he points to the spot.

Matt Gray steps up, just as he had last month and places the ball before sending Searle the wrong way and cracking the penalty into the top corner. Time to go mental again methinks! As the celebrations recede, I turn to see our two Womble observers from the pub earlier stood at the back of the terrace nodding in approval. It seems the big time charlies are enjoying our little pub league rivalry.

Matt Gray belting in a pen against someone else.

(Apologies to Paul @ From the Lane for nicking this via google!)

The 2 quickfire goals visibly knock the stuffing out of the Bobbins. And as a last desperate throw of the dice, they withdraw a sub made just 15 minutes before for a striker to try & salvage something. But it’s too little too late and as they tire, more & more gaps open up at the back and Akuamouah blows 2 superb chances to really rub salt into the Scummers wounds. About 4-5 minutes after Matt has put us ahead, a foray down the right ends with a ball into space on the edge of the box. Eddie skips round the sprawling figure of Searle, but not before he’s forced him wide, but with the goal still gaping, Ed somehow raps his shot against the base of the near upright. Inside the last 10 minutes, another breakaway presents the ex-Robins man with another sitter. Watkins scampers free down the right flank and whips a cross into the box where the unmarked Akuamouah just has to nod it past the exposed Searle, but instead he guides his header over the target.

But, no matter. The U’s see out the last few minutes without too much incident, with a late free-kick being headed well over by ex-U Mark Costello the only worrysome moment. The lads leave the field to a rousing reception, with John Scarborough doing his credentials no harm at all with a big fist pumping celebration.

We meander happily back to the Windsor for a few more drinks and chatter about the latest defeat of the old enemy. But before long, the pub decides it will be closing and we have to wander back into Sutton to continue the festivities. Arriving back at the Hood, Windy produces a football trivia game he’d been given as a stocking filler the day before. Before long, a rather more rowdy booze fuelled version of the game than the manufacturers would have envisioned has broken out. Much to the bemusement of the bar staff.

Ahhh, there’s nowt like a bit of Bobbin bashing to make a Christmas seem complete.

“Jingle bells, jingle bells…….”

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