Magpie Murder


Att : 543


SUTTON UNITED – 5    [Douglas 45. Mackie 71. Akuamouah 77. Gray p79.82]

Game number five of the season and at last we get a decent day out!  Sadly, unlike last year, some idiot decided Dorchester should be on a bank holiday Monday thus ruining a perfectly good weekender in ‘Muff and delaying the resumption of the mini-golf.

Still, I guess it means the silverware gets to sit on my window ledge a few more weeks.

A rubbish nights sleep means I’m not switched on when I finally arise. Still, I manage to get out the door on time and head for Bobbinsville station for the train up to Clapham, where I’ll be able to meet the others for the train to Devon.

At the station, predictably there’s no bugger in the ticket office. Even a loud shout of ‘Shop’ fails to raise a response.

Ok, automated ticket machine wotsit it is then.

In go my pennies, but nothing happens. No ticket. Errrr…

Brief investigation reveals that the money hasn’t dropped into the machine and is jammed up in the chute. No doubt the result of some bored little chav twat stuffing something in there.  A couple of thumps ‘returns’ one coin. So I try being more persuasive. But a couple more whacks fails to produce the rest of my cash.

At this moment, my train rolls in. Bollocks.

I weigh up the options. The chances of me abandoning my coins, legging it for the train and making it are slim. A heavy bag full of flag being the deciding factor. So I decide to stick around and ‘negotiate’ with the automated thief in front of me.

Having had little sleep, I’m not in the mood to piss about. So go straight to the patented ‘Right foot applied at velocity’ method and kick the machine really hard.

Bingo! The coins drop through into the trough at the bottom, right as my train pulls away.

Right, time to formulate a plan B methinks! Guess it’s a train to Sutton, THEN one to Clapham. Typically, just as I walk through the ticket office, a bloke appears from behind the jump.

“Your ticket machine is fucked mate.” I offer as I stomp past, only half hoping I hadn’t left a discernible bootprint on it.

Arriving at Sutton a few minutes later, I intercept the rest of the mob for their fast train to Clapham and before long we’re on our way to Devon.  Thankfully, the trains are pretty reliable and on the train to Dorch, the beer is cracked open.

This and some games of Tiger Woods on the phones helps to pass the time nicely and before we know it, it’s time to jump off at our destination. Before discussions can begin about where to drink first can even begin, we wander into a boozer perfectly placed outside the station.

Pint please!

Next stop is the high street and we eventually roll up into Tim Browns. A place that comes highly recommended. Walking through the door, we find ourselves greeted by two dogs. Big fucking dogs.

Really really REALLY big fucking dogs!

Two Irish wolfhounds so big, you could ride ’em in the National are wandering about the place. Chatting to their owner a short while after, she reveals the youngest of the two weighs 13 and a half stone. That’s heavier than me! Fuck breaking into your house love.

A couple of pints in the sun later and it’s time for cabs to the ground. When they arrive, we’ve not quite finished our drinks, but the cabbies politely decline our offer to join us for a few minutes.

Arriving in plenty of time before the game, we politely visit the bar for a quick pre-match snifter.

In the ground, we get the side. Chabaan is missing as he’s apparently picked up a knock against Farnborough. Thankfully Steve Douglas is back and will start alongside Jamie Mackie up front.

Things take a few minutes to get going, but the hosts look lively, obviously buoyed by their win at Cambridge at the weekend. Despite this, it’s the U’s who have a first sight of goal, Gray advancing down the right and putting in a cross that Douglas heads wide of the target despite being well placed.

The game ebbs & flows, not quite pulsating stuff, but certainly a damn sight better than Saturday!

The home side’s first serious attack comes on 26 minutes from a ball in from the right which drops loose in the box. Fortunately Emberson is there to fall on the ball before an attacker can seize the opportunity.

Dorchester continue to be on top for most of the half, but without ever really carving out any seriously clear cut openings. Probably the best opportunity comes from a powerful header directed at Emberson from a free-kick, that our man needs 2 goes to gather.

Like the previous 2 away trips so far, our own efforts seem to be based around solid backline and trying to take chances when they come our way. A rare chance comes Mackies way with half-time rapidly approaching, getting between 2 defenders to meet Gray’s cross. But his firm header lacks direction and flashes well wide of the target.

This leads to a brief, yet our best spell of the half, as we press the hosts back slightly as the last minute or two of the half ebb away.  Then, out of the blue, Steve Douglas conjours up a moment of instinctive brilliance to give us a shock lead.

Gray raids down the right and puts the ball over at pace, along the 18 yard line. Douglas is well positioned between 2 defenders, but it seems the cross is going to fly behind him and go to waste, when he spins and executes a perfect overhead kick that flies into the top far corner.

Our hosts ‘keeper and defence look on in shock and they’re not the only ones! It takes a good second or two for a lot of the U’s support to realise just exactly what has happened before erupting into celebrations. Having the sun pretty much in our eyes doesn’t help matters either.

Christ Steve, as first senior goals go, that’s not half bad mate!!!

Within seconds, the ref blows for half time and we wander round to the other end still somewhat bewildered by our lightning opener……

Getting the big flag up under the covered end proves more difficult than I recall, especially as I swear I was far drunker last time round. Thankfully, Col lends a hand and with me on his shoulders, the job is soon complete. The only drawback is that as it’s a rather warm day, Col is pespiring a bit. And I’ve just absorbed most of it into my combats.

A sweaty crotch is one thing, but when it’s someone else’s sweat? Hmmmmm.

Obviously a little bit miffed at having worked hard only to come in 1 down to a somewhat special goal, the Magpies set about the second half purposefully. An early header from a free-kick zipping not that far wide of Emberson’s post a couple of minutes in.

Douglas then misses a sitter about 2-3 minutes after, hassling a defender going back towards his own goal who then trips over his own feet and goes down in a heap. With just the ‘keeper to beat, the young striker pulls his effort across goal.

We have a real scare on 58 minutes, a good ball in from our right causing all sorts of problems. An attackers turn & shot from close range is blocked by Scarborough and with a goal looking a good possibility, matey completely scuffs his effort across goal and Emberson then reacts well to get his considerable frame in the way to save the follow up.

The match is definitely more balanced now than the 1st half, with Douglas and Mackie starting to click a bit better up front. One raking cross field pass putting Douglas into space on the right. His pass inside finds his partner, but a defender does well and puts in a very good block on the resulting shot.

Then just as it seems we’re in for a good last 25 minutes, it all goes a little bit Pete Tong for the Magpies.

A pass down the right touchline is chased by Mackie. As he gets the ball under control on the line and turns to look in field, a defender piles in with a rather robust challenge. The ref blows for a free kick and reaches for his pocket.

Yeah, go on baldy, book him!

We produce the customary “Off off off!” chant that should accompany all expected bookings for such an offence. We all know he’s not going to send him off for that. Hang on, did he just show a red card there??

Fuck me! He HAS sent him off!

What a twat.

Now, having had one bloke somewhat unfortunately dismissed, the last thing you want to do is go piling into other daft challenges moments later and reduce your already hard pressed team-mates further in the shit.  Unfortunately, no one it seems has told the Dorchester no3.

Another sweeping ball from left to right finds Gray overlapping the stretched backline out on the right. His progress on goal though is somewhat crudely ended with an awful challenge from a defender about 25 yards out.

The ref is once again straight into his pocket and a second yellow is swiftly followed by a red and in the space of barely 2 minutes, the Magpies are reduced to 9 men.

You think their guys would have got the message from this, but just a few minutes later Mackie skips past the no4 down the right touchline and the defender kicks out at the U’s forward.  Maybe the ref thinks they now deserve a break as probably the worst of the 3 offences is deemed only a yellow!

Jamie extracts retribution in the best way possible on 71 minutes, racing onto a Steve Douglas pass into the right channel, holding off a defender and clipping the ball between the advancing ‘keeper an his near post.

Game over.

Any fight Dorchester still had up to now immediately disappears and the U’s run riot in a mad 10 minute spell.

Gray exploits the acres of space down the right to whip in a lovely cross right under the bar that Akuamouah at the far post thumps back into the opposite corner to make it 3-0 and 2 minutes later, Mackie bursts through again, only to be hauled down in the box and wins a penalty.

Gray confidently cracks it to the ‘keepers right and into the top corner. And then a couple of minutes later doubles his tally by swinging in a corner from the right that everyone misses and goes straight into the far corner!

Understandably, we’re by now going just a teeny weeny bit potty behind the goal. Especially as it means we’ll be remaining top of the division until at least next week.

To their credit, despite being 5-0 down, Dorchester rally and it takes a super save from Emberson to preserve the clean sheet after a good ball deep from the right puts a forward through 1 on 1.

It proves brief respite though as Mackie once again causes problems with his cleaver running, latching onto another through ball on the right hand side. But the ‘keeper isn’t falling for the cheeky near post effort again and reacts well to beat out the shot.

With time fast running out, Scarborough has 2 good chances to add to the scoreline. Matt Gray & Eddie combine from a corner on the left, picking out the big defender at the far post, but the ‘keeper saves well from his firm header. Straight afterwards, another Gray corner from the left again finds Scoobs at the back stick, but this time his header thumps back off the cross bar and evades the touch of Castledine arriving behind him.

The last couple of minutes for us are overshadowed a bit by the departure of Paul Honey, who tackling vigorously out on the right touchline seems to tumble awkwardly into a dugout or something and is eventually led away with what seems to be an injury to his arm or wrist.

Still, we celebrate vigorously at the final whistle, making the most of a resounding win to keep us top of the division!

Back in the bar, it’s soon revealed Ug has had to be taken to Dorset Hospital with a suspected broken arm. It’s a real blow, as it means several weeks on the sidelines for our hard tackling midfielder. It’s also the second year running he’s wound up in the local A&E department after gashing his leg here last season! They’ll be naming a bloody ward or wing after him at this rate. Or at the very least giving his old man his own parking spot.

We engage in chatter with the locals and sink a fair few more bevvies before I request Chalmers joins me outside to try & fold up the flag properly. When we get out front, we’re reminded that the team have travelled up on the England team coach today.

Pretty impressive in itself, but what makes it even better is the FA only got hold of the keys for this baby 5 days ago! Not even Rooney & Becks have had a go in this one yet. The number plate ain’t bad either. FA05 ENG.

With the flag correctly folded & stowed away, PC, myself & Mrs C decide to start taking liberties and ask the driver if we can have a butchers inside the team’s luxury transportation. PC reassures the bloke behind the wheel our intentions are good.

“Don’t worry mate, we won’t nick anything!”

Then it’s back to the bar and some more beer. And some delightful Austrian cheese.

Eventually, it’s time to head back to the station and cabs are called. We arrive with time to spare, so return to our first port of call from this afternoon and secure one or two (dozen) bottles for the journey home.

Two and a bit drinking hours and plenty of pissing about later, we stagger off the train at Wimbledon and head for the Sutton platform.

Right, who’s up for a quick one before closing at the Hood???

MAN OF THE MATCH – Jamie Mackie. Looks like we’ve found another one. Shame he’s not ours.

ENTERTAINMENT – 8. Not a great game technically, but plenty to keep you interested!

TEAM : Emberson,Palmer, Scarborough, Elliot, Gray, Quinton, Honey, Akuamouah, Gonsalves, Douglas, Mackie.   UBS : Wilson, Rivers

THE REFEREE’S………nowhere near as bad as matey on saturday, but he wasn’t great. I guess the home fans would have more to say about him than us. Which, if what we’re hearing about the guy being a Weymouth fan is correct, we’re not bloody surprised! The first red was more than a little harsh and was at worst, a caution. Although he had little choice with the second dismissal.

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