Canary Caning


Att: 499


HITCHIN TOWN – 3   [Dillon 19. Parker 35. Williams 89]

Wank, shit, pony, crap, bollocks, arse, cack, rubbish, toilet, piss-poor, shambles, joke, disgrace, kharzi, pants, shite, nonsense, toss, mickey mouse. I couldn’t quite decide which term to use to describe today’s debacle against Hitchin, so I thought…

 “Bollocks to it, why not use ‘em all??”

And it really still doesn’t cover just quite how bad we were.

The day starts out reasonably well, with an early start in the Hood to watch the England-South Africa game in the rugby. Thankfully, the English lads stick to their task and do the business. Shame some other people don’t follow that example at the next sporting event we witness.

Despite the 11 day break, the U’s are still unable to field Corbett, Honey or Akuamouah. Although Danny Hodges does return to a side that retains the 4-4-2 formation which failed to deal with Braintree last tuesday.

Todays match is as bad as expected. Bolt has a shot deflected wide on 11 minutes after Fowler flicks a throw-in his way. A more confident DB would undoubtedly have taken it first time. Little else of note occurs until 19 minutes in. Iga finds touch with a poor kick. A quick throw in is taken ending with a cross from the right. We fail to pick up the man in the box (is this statring to sound familiar yet??) and his looping header can only be pushed into the roof of the net by a back-pedalling Iga.

Dreadful. Even by our recent standards.

Buoyed by their breakthrough, the visitors perss for a second. Within a couple of minutes, a deep free-kick causes problems in the U’s defence. Only half cleared, a shot from the edge of edge of the box flies through the crowded area and just past an upright.

The U’s meanwhile are failing to move the ball with any conviction. Either on the ground, or by the favoured ‘lump it forwards’ method. The fit again Fowler though is buzzing busily around the Hitchin defence and on 24 minutes chases down a long ball, pressuring the defender into conceeding possession. He cleverly flicks it inside to Watson, who does well to strike it first time on the volley. But sadly straight at the ‘keeper.

The ref, who is already starting to get on our tits, then completely loses it. A dreadful challenge on Bailey kicks-off a brief melee in the centre circle. Somehow, the dickhead then decides Matt Gray requires a yellow card.

Matters get worse on 35 minutes. No challenge comes and a deep ball is played into the U’s box allowing a lone Hitchin player to bring it down on his chest and again with no challenge, turn and fire high past Iga into the top corner. Once again, we trail by 2 goals, when just one looks a mountain for us to climb at the moment.

A brief flash of what we can do comes soon after. Bailey plays Bolt into the box. He keep shis head and skips around the ‘keeper. But his effort from an angle is hooked off the line by a defender at the near post. Bailey then has a charging run 2 minutes later, but it ends at the feet of Watson and he’s unable to make use of the situation before being dispossessed.

Our situation isn’t helped by the loss of Dean Hamlin, stretchered off after a heavy collision near the break. We later hear he’s wound up in hospital with concussion. Poor bastard. Dunno what’s worse. The concussion, or spending a night at the mercy of the NHS in St Helier hospital.

It’s a miffed band of drinkers who head for the bar at the break. At least there’s a little bit of abuse to be directed the officials way to lift the spirits a little.

The second period is little better than the first. Watson hooks an early effort over when well placed. But with the defence becoming more and more ragged, Hitchin’s attacks become more frequent. One break out just before the hour sends the visitors no12 through on goal, but Iga manages to make a fingertip save from the shot. Laughably, the ref gives a goal-kick. Twat.

Bailey glances a deep Bolt free-kick wide of the mark with his head on 63 minutes, but it’s a brief respite. Again we let an opponent travel unchallenged with the ball to the edge of our area and his low shot inside beats Iga, but comes back off the base of the post and Palmer is on hand to clear any further danger. Iga is in action soon after, a ball over the top sending an attacker once more clean on goal. He attempts to lob the advancing U’s ‘keeper, but Nady just gets a hand to the ball, which is enough to tip it wide of the post.

Our best chance of the half falls on 70 minutes. A good ball over the Hitchin defence sets Fowler free. But in on the ‘keeper, he delays his shot, when normally he would have swept the ball home, allowing the ‘keeper to block the ball.

Watson blows an opportunity soon after, in on goal he somehow hits the grounded ‘keeper rather than the much more available net. But our defence is soon distressing us once more with another ball over the top catching us very flat-footed. Iga is forced to come to the edge of his box and head clear, the ball dropping to an attacker 30 yards out or so. Thankfully his lob towards the empty goal is a little too high.

With nothing left to offer, we create little that offers hope of an consolation goal. Then, with time almost up, a simple move cuts open our inept defence, leaving Williams the simple taks of shooting past Iga.

Finally the whistle ends another abysmal 90 minutes and we head back to the Hood to drown our sorrows. But sadly, even alcohol isn’t enough and we call it a night, disgracefully early.

Down to 19th, that 13th spot and a place in the Conference South now looks a very long way off. There may well be 90+ points to play for still, but on current form we’ll be lucky to get 10% of that amount. I think we’d better start by trying to secure our Ryman place first, then see what we can do from there.

And that means starting Tuesday night with a win at bottom side Billericay.

Or we’re really fucked.

MAN OF THE MATCH – Are you having a laugh???

ENTERTAINMENT – 1. Total shit. Either start playing or fuck off.

TEAM : Iga, Palmer, Hodges, Gonsalves, Hamlin, Gray, Hanlan, Bailey, Bolt, Watson, Fowler

SUBS : Dray,

THE REFEREE’S………an utter fuckwit. Nice to see, that after a short break, we’re back to the usual standard of gutless, clueless morons the Ryman usually provides.

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