What Eight Grand Buys You…


Att: 432

SUTTON UNITED – 2 [Fowler 29. Bolt 40]


The U’s recovered from their awful performance on Saturday and as required, got the job done against our old muckers from Coldsore Avenue, managed by our number 1 favouritest human being and saddest fattest greyest old man of them all, Mr Graham Roberts.

Such occasions demand that it’s an early start in the boozer and by quarter to 6, we’re all getting stuck into Youngs fine alcoholic product range. Also as befits this match, every bugger we haven’t seen for a while shows up! Oscar is down for this one, Jules is prepared to part with 7 quid and even Chalmers shows up! Along with this motley collection, Cook Snr & Jnr and chief Bobbins annoyer, Mr Bell show up later in the ground.

After a bit of lubrication, it’s the usual late dash to GGL. Some bemused scummers look on as we head for the door. “Isn’t it a 7.45 KO?” one enquires. “Errr, no!” I reply, smiling as I spot the fresh pint he’s just got himself!

“See you at the ground lads!” I chime as we disappear out the door.

The brief stroll is interspersed with chat about the match and mutters of “We’d better fucking win tonight”. As sadly, bragging rights had belonged to the not-as-nice half of the borough since July when our scratch XI went down 3-1 to Roberts Uber-team.

Not tonight!

Well, we HOPE so anyway.

As we head through the turnstiles, we’re greeted by a very sparsely populated ground. Very disappointing. A couple of years ago, this tie would have pulled in about 800 on a Tuesday night. But, sadly, this evening it looks like we’ll be lucky to break 500.

The Sutton line up surprisingly includes Tommy Dunn as we’d heard he was cup tied after his spell at Banstead. But it turns out, his cup appearances were limited to the ‘Bryco’ League cup and not the SSC. Another pleasant surprise is the naming of Danny Hodges on the bench. Welcome back big defender bloke!

The Bobbins meanwhile include 3 ex-U’s (Boo! Hiss!) in their squad. Dave Timothy starts at the back, with Gary Elliot and Mark “top bloke even though he’s a scummer now” Costello on the bench.

This clash of the titans gets underway and it’s the Bobbins who settle quickest, moving the ball about with confidence but making little progress up front. The U’s meanwhile mostly chase shadows. 5 minutes in, a free-kick from the left is headed down at the back post before being hooked back across the face of goal.

It’s their last real look in for a while as the U’s midfield finally finds it’s feet and starts getting in amongst their opposite number. Watson collects a cross from the right, but his effort is put out for a corner.

We’re treated to a premonition of what’s to come when after around 25 minutes, Nick Bailey swings a free kick in from out on the left. Searle in the Bobbins goal is well known to us as a bit…well…dodgy in the air. Well, some things never change and he comes flying out for the ball and gets nowhere near it. Thankfully (for him!), it drops to a defender who hacks it clear.

But despite the warning, they don’t learn their lesson. And 5 minutes later, Bailey gets another go from an almost identical spot. This time, he drops it a little shorter towards the penalty spot, where ex-Bobbin Matt Fowler takes advantage of another Searle absence combined with some frankly woeful marking to nod into a virtually empty net for his 20th of the season and put our good selves 1-0 up.

Anyone up for going mental? And as the wise, ancient covenant of the Tel-a-Tubeez on which we base our entire philosophy would say at a time like this.

“Again!! Again!!”

The Bobbins try to rally and manage to win a free-kick on the edge of the box, but after a lot of farting about and 2 of their lot trying to disrupt the wall, the man taking it only succeeds in hitting one of his colleagues and winning us a goal-kick!

Sutton continue to have the better of proceedings and the Scummers now seemingly edgy defence backs off when Matt Gray  bursts forward from deep. His strong 50 yard run ends in a rather tame shot straight at Searle.

Not to worry as barely a couple of minutes later, the so far fairly quiet Mark Watson, explodes into action!!!

A huge hoof forwards into one of the corners looks a lost cause with a defender covering it. But Watso is not to be denied and chases it down. His persistence is rewarded when an awkward bounce goes his way. He then goes on a run that quite frankly has us laughing ourselves silly. The big man proceeds to bulldoze and bundle his way up the byeline, past 4 Scummers, seemingly losing the ball no less than twice but regaining possession each time. He then bursts into the box only to be clumsily hauled down by their Skipper, Dublin.

Penalty!!!! Surely!!!!

The ref takes a long hard look and just as we’re all preparing to aim “Are you fucking blind you tosser?” type abuse at him, he glances over to his linesman on that side. He gets the nod & points to the spot. Come on!!!!!!! We loooooove it!

Danny Bolt places the ball and sends Searle the wrong way, clinically firing inside the foot of the right hand post. 2-0! And with Half time approaching, we’re all feeling pretty good about the world and life in general.

Sutton see out the half an we give the lads a rousing reception as they leave the field. More in the second half please!

When we emerge from the bar, the Bobbins are already out on the pitch. Obviously the victims of a rather fierce bollocking from Mr Roberts.

Speaking of the grey haired old codger, he’s now residing in the stand having been sent there by the ref as they emerged from the tunnel. Apparently a stampy-feet-5-year-old type temper tantrum towards the linesman who had helped the ref make his penalty decision in the first half.

Unimpressed, the ref gives our favouritest opposition manager ever his marching orders. We chuckle as we wander round, quietly hoping the cold plastic seat gives him piles.

The visitors start the half with a bit of fire and go looking for a goal. But despite one dangerous looking cross, they once again fail to test Dunn. The U’s then once again take the majority of control and almost straight away, a Bolt free-kick being nodded back across goal by Palmer. Fowler is on the end of it, but the ball won’t sit down and he hooks his effort over the bar.

Sutton keep pressing and one ball in finds Fowler on the far corner of the 18 yard box. But his touch isn’t great, the ball rebounding to Bolt, his shot clearing Searle’s bar. The Bobbins meanwhile descend into a bit of a shambles. Their passing becomes erratic and a lot of their work down the flanks finds touch, to hoots of derision from the home fans. Fowler is then played in down the right, before hitting a low strike from the corner of the box. Searle almost being decieved by Bailey’s clever little dart across his line of sight, causing him to gather the effort at the 2nd attempt.

Brookers departure before the hour heralds the return of Danny Hodges, back from his knee injury. A sight we’re VERY pleased to see! He’s soon in action and 2 minutes after his arrival he’s up in the box, looking to cause problems from a corner. Bolt swings it in, Hodges wins a header which drops to Watson. Who, facing away from goal, drops onto his back to hook the ball just wide of the post.

Chances are now becoming fewer and fewer, but what isn’t in short supply is the Robins amazing ability to give the ball away or slice it horribly into touch. Not that we find this in the least bit funny. Oh no. Ahem! Chatter briefly turns to the visitors allegedly large playing budget. And just exactly WHAT the fuck they spend it on, as judging by tonights display, it certainly doesn’t appear to be the team!

Sadly, all suggestions are far too libellous to put into print! hehe!

Bailey is the next to go close for the U’s, bursting from midfield before unleashing a thundering drive from 25 yards that Searle fingertips wide at full stretch with the ball on it’s way to the top corner. Bolt then shortly after brings another smart stop from the Robins ‘keeper, trying to pick his spot from 20 yarsd with a low effort, Searle gets down quickly to his right to make the stop. Immediately after, Fowler scampers up the right, leaving 2 scummers in his wake, before cheekily nutmegging a third. But again, Searle is alert and this time, quickly off his line to block the strikers finish.

The best chance of the half falls to Mark Watson with around 7 minutes to play. A rare Robins foray forwards collapses and the ball runs loose to Bolty. He takes one look upfield before pinging a beautiful 50 yard pass over the isolated Scummer defence for Mark Watson to race onto. He takes a touch, gets the ball under control and with only Searle to beat, elects for a little chip over the advancing ‘keeper, rather than power. He beats Searle, but the ball bounces agonisingly wide of the post.

With time running out, the Bobbins finally get a serious effort on target, with a cross from the left picking out the experienced Darran Hay, but his header falls short and bounces up into the midriff of Dunn. The last couple of minutes then turns a bit nasty. Fowler is clattered in midfield and as bodies pile in, Fowler taunts his assailant with a childish little dance. Which we find incredibly funny.

Ok ok, we’re easily amused! So what?

Whats not so funny is his rather mistimed challenge on Hamsher a few moments later that leaves the Robins right back rolled up on the turf. Again, the bodies come piling in, led by the rather excitable No5, Bouadji who crashes into Fowler. The no3 also legs it a good 30 yards to get involved. We’re a bit worried that Fowler will see red, but the ref brandishes a yellow and then follows it with another for Bouadji who, having already been booked heads off for the proverbial early bath. A stretcher is eventually summoned for Hamsher (we hear later the broken leg he’s just returned from is once more fractured) and  with all their subs used, the Robins must see out the final moments of injury time with only 9 men on the field.

Finally the ref blows to put our neighbours out of their misery and we head off Hood-wards for a few celebratory drinkypoos. Getting some lovely ‘congratulatory’ comments from the visiting fans on our way past. Yeah, cheers lads. Same to you.

Needless to say, many pints are sunk in victory and the small band of brave Scummers who make their way to the Hood also take the stick in good heart, vowing revenge next time the 2 sides meet. Yeah yeah, whatever.

Somebody better call the RSPB, thats now the Ducks, the swans, the Swifts & now the Robins disposed of in about a month. Bloody birdie teams, we really don’t like ‘em do we?

Finally, before we go, best wishes to John Hamsher. Hope you’re back playing soon Bobbin bloke.

MAN OF THE MATCH :  Matt Fowler. Lively performance after a couple of quiet weeks……

ENTERTAINMENT : 7. Comprehensive. We didn’t give ‘em a sniff and only Searle kept it respectable.

TEAM : Dunn, Gray, Palmer, Gonsalves, Brooker, Akuamouah, Bailey, Honey, Bolt, Fowler, Watson.

SUBS : Corbett, Brown, Beale, London

THE REFEREE’S………amazingly reasonable for a Surrey official! Usually, they’re no better than 3rd rate park refs, but this guy seemed to understand that it was a local derby and treated it as such. Stamped down on the silly stuf with an early booking for Bailey. And showed a little bit of common when dealing with the late Fowler incident, dishing out just a yellow when most would more than likely flashed a red. Mr Bouadji sadly gave him little option with his own second caution. One of the better guys we’ve had this season.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *