We Love Paul Whitmarsh we do


Att: 902

SUTTON UNITED – 3  [Whitmarsh 15.54. Harlow 44]

BOBBINS – 1  [Fowler p31]

Wahey!!!  The U’s finally decide to win a match in 2001 with yours truly present. And what a game to win, once again cementing our place as the number 1 team in the borough by sending the Scummers packing back to Coldsore Avenue with another nail in their relegation coffin courtesy of  a 3-1 beating.

We told ‘em they wouldn’t win at GGL. But they wouldn’t listen would they. No ex-goalkeepers to drop the ball invitingly for their strikers at our gaff. No sir!

The gang assemble in the  Robin Hood for 1.30 for a pre-game pint or four. We’re joined by fellow scrunge drinking Scummer, Rob. A Scummer he may be, but he’s also got us out of a few tight spots where pubs are concerned for numerous away trips this season with his invaluable ‘Beerhound’ website. (Check it out!), so the least we can do is have a drink with the man! We sit & chat about the one thing most Scummers and we seem to agree on…..K’s being smug arrogant bastards.

Drinks quaffed, we stumble up the road to GGL. By now, the adrenaline is pumping. COME ON!

The side is kept much the same as Saturday, but with a Bobbin-busting strikeforce. Bolt and Haworth up front and Paul Whitmarsh lurking behind them. Hahaha! Come and get it garden birdies!

Our well loved neighbours bely their lowly league position and show us that they’ve improved from the shambles we saw on Boxing Day, by attacking from the whistle. They also show a horrible tendency to try and play football. Something we’re defiantely not used to, as most Bobbins teams tend to whack it forwards as quick as poss to their strikers. The visitors have a couple of moments in front of goal, the best being a free header directed straight at Howells after about 5 minutes. The U’s hit back with a good move soon after. Haworth finds himself in a wide position and crosses from the Collingwood side. The ball is headed on by a U’s player in the middle and the ball drops for Danny Bolt just beyond the far post, about 8 yards out. GOOOOOOA…..no! His sweetly struck low volley beats Borg, but not Bobbins skipper Elverson on the line at the far post who hacks the ball to safety. Toss!

Thankfully, our defence for once holds out against an opposition onslaught and the U’s slowly begin to get more and more involved into the game. Then, after 15 minutes and maybe a little against the run of play, the U’s win a corner. Danny Bolt fires it in and for some reason, the Bobbins ‘keeper stays rooted to his line rather than come for the ball. Whitmarsh punishes his hesitation by popping up at the back post and nodding us into the lead. Waaaaaah! Stitch that my little red breasted chums!!

This gives our boys a lift an we come into the game far more. Showing a little bit of purpose in our own attacking forays. In doing so, we seem to expose a big weakness in the Bobbins backline at set pieces. Every time we get a corner or free-kick, the Scummers are struggling. Chris Boothe almost doubles the U’s lead from a corner, but his header deflects off the back of Bobbins defender Elverson’s bonce and loops into the grateful arms of Borg in the scummer goal.

The Bobbins keep up their attacking approach. Even more so since Whits opener. Their persistance pays off after 31 minutes. Their No9 receives the ball just inside the box and spins off from his marker. Horner turns also and as they tussle for the ball scummer-bloke goes down. ‘Penalty’ all the Bobbins shout. ‘Bollocks’ we yell back. Unfortunately, Mr Referree agrees with the smelly members of the borough and awards the spot kick. Tosser.

Fowler steps up, sends Howells the wrong way and thumps the kick home. Arse. I hate officials. They’re always giving stuff against us. It just ain’t fair I tell ya!

The peno ups the ante again and both sides keep attacking. Just a couple of minutes after their equaliser, Whits nutmegs a defender in front of us on the Shoebox and skips past him into the box. The smurfy sized scummer isn’t having any of it and bundles Whits to the ground. Now THAT’S a penalty!!! But oh no, Mr “I obviously like Scum more than I like you” Ref waves away our appeals. Now what I’d like to know is what the fucking Lino was doing. The offence occurred no more than several yards away from him. Why no flag you arse? You are ALLOWED to you know! What the fuck do we have to do to get a penalty nowadays anyway? Display gunshot wounds??? Submit photographic evidence??

We force a few more corners and they continue to threaten at the other end, but our defence holds out. Then, just as it looks like we’ll go into the break level, we do the perfect thing. We go and score right on half time! And it’s an absolute beauty too!

Ekoku makes a run down the left and crosses into the box. Elverson heads away and the ball drops 35 yards out on the Collingwood Rec side of the ground. Skipper Dave Harlow collects the ball and thrashes the bastard right back past a surprised Borg and into the top near corner!

GOOOOOOOAL!!! Yes! Have that ya common garden birdie dross!!!

It’s the last real action of the half and the shocked Bobbins traipse off. Hahahaha! And don’t come back out if you know what’s good for ya.

Half time is spent catching up with all the old faces we haven’t seen for a while and annoying Bobbins fans wandering past. Ner ner ner ner-ner!

The second half starts and the Scummers are pushing up even more than in the first half. Oh goodie. Lets hope Bolty & co can start to really open ‘em up now! Nko gets a bit more space down the left, but is comically ruled to have fouled their bleached blonde No4 several times despite the smurfs constant obstruction of our big winger!! Sheesh!! Where do we get these muppets from?

With the Bobbins rearguard now pushing up, the U’s switch to the simple tactic of knocking the ball over their heads and into the space left behind them for Bolt/Whitmarsh/Haworth/Ekoku to run onto. And it works rather well!

About 10 minutes in, Harlow plays a sweeping ball out to Whitmarsh on the left. He then engages in a straight race for goal, pursued by 2 Scummers. Whits wins! He draws Borg off his line and slides the ball past him from 10 yards and inside the far post to make it 3-1. Get in there!! I love it, I love it, I love it!

The U’s continue the ‘over the top’ idea and Haworth nearly increases the lead a few minutes later on one break. From a similar position in the box to Whitmarsh’s goal, he sizes up to pass across goal and then surprises everyone by thumping a shot off the base of the near post with young Mr Borg scrambling.

The Bobbins make changes, but they fail to make any real impression. Fowler is gifted with one great chance inside the last 15 minutes when he’s put through, but he drags his shot wide of Howells far post.

The game dies after this as the Bobbins throw balls into the U’s box, but normally straight into the safe hands of Howells who’s had probably his least stressful afternoon in bloody months!!! Our midfield for once is actually operating at something like a competitive edge. Harlow is actually distributing the ball fairly well and young Paul Honey is putting himself about well. Have we finally found that young pair of legs to bale out old Dave??

Then with 5 minutes of injuries played, WOOOOOOOOHOOOOOO! I’ve seen us win one this year!! And it’s our first ‘double’ as well. Lovely. There’s nowt more satisfying than a good derby win.

We then depart back to the Hood and discover that those poor ickle lambs at ‘Queens’meadow have got done 1-0 by Telford. Oh come on now, it’s not really funny is it?? Well it is actually, now that you come to mention it. And with FGR avoiding defeat & Kettering’s win, they lie 2nd bottom and 5 adrift of safety. Oh dear!

We then prochede to get very very pished.


MAN OF THE MATCH : Paul Whitmarsh. 2 goals against that lot? Top bloke!

ENTERTAINMENT : 8. Not bad actually considering both side have been a bit crap this season.

TEAM : Howells, Palmer, Boothe, Brooker, Horner, Bolt, Ekoku, Honey, Harlow, Whitmarsh, Haworth   SUBS : Howard, Gray, McCormack

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