Naughty Hand Signals Can Get You Sent Off

RYMAN PREMIER DIVISION

Att: 306



CHESHAM UNITED – 0     

SUTTON UNITED – 3  [Haworth 50. Whitmarsh 60. Gray 90]

Bob and I headed into the picturesque Chess Valley for the U’s penultimate away game against Chesham. Not exactly brimming with confidence after the quite quite horrendous abortion that passed for a ‘performance’ on Tuesday night.

We need help. We realise this.

For the second away trip in a row, both myself and Bob are on time for the meet. An effort that’s taken the best part of 9 months to perfect!! No Chalmers again. He’s pissing it up at his old mans down Devon/Somerset way. Bastard.

A quick pint then a stroll round to Marylebone. What? You thought we were going on the Metropolitan line? Sod that. Whilst checking the times we spot a ‘Traditional Cornish Pasty’ stand. We’ll have some of that! Mine appears to have the best part of a small cow in it. Lovely!

Half hour later and we’re waiting at Chalfont. Then it’s onto Chesham and the first pub stop before heading to the ground.

The U’s line up has switched round again. Frank McCormack has been promoted to a starting spot out on the left and Bolt drops to the bench. Ekoku is out suspended and Dunn keeps his spot in goal as Howells is given a rest.

The game gets underway and the U’s start confidently. Just a couple of minutes in, we win a corner which McCormack zips into the box. It gets a slight touch at the near post and Haworth heads powerfully goalwards only for Phillips in the Chesham goal to make an excellent save.

Chesham hit back strongly, getting particular joy down the U’s left flank. Firstly a good move down the left sees a deep cross to the back post where the Chesham No9 meets it with his head. But he’s unable to direct it goalwards and it flies a couple of feet wide. A corner a few minutes later comes in from the right and a powerful header is acrobatically tipped over by Dunn. The U’s don’t eek out many clear cut chances, mainly due to a disappointing final touch in and around the box. Both Whitmarsh and Haworth are guilty of not snapping up chances. McCormack meanwhile is having a good game and is making progress down the left, swinging in some good crosses.

Both sides battle away in a fairly even first half, but neither can supply that final blow. A somewhat irritating point of the first 45 minutes is Chesham manager, Bob Dowies constant ranting and raving from the bench (something he did for most of the game at GGL too!). He reacts to most challenges on his players by leaping off the bench appealing loudly and then shouting naughty words at the officials when they ignore him. Sit down you prat. Who do you think you are? George bloody Borg?

So, we go in 0-0 at the break. Which is no bad thing with the way we’ve been playing recently!! Happily, ex-U Mark Watson has hardly had a kick.

We amble off to the bar for the half times. Well, we mainly want to know if K’s are losing as another defeat would push them to the brink of relegation. Shame eh! So we’re immensely pleased to discover they’re 1-0 down! Another bonus is Hamptons 2-0 lead at the Bobbins. Oh dear!!

The second half gets underway with the U’s attacking and after 5o minutes, some good work down the right produces a corner. McCormack fires it in, Philllips can’t reach it and it drops to Whitmarsh beyond the back post. He controls, takes a step then lashes the ball goalwards. A hapless Chesham defender on the line can only deflect it straight up into the near top corner. 1-0 up! Bloody hell!

The U’s continue to push, whilst the home side begin to look a bit jaded. This being their fourth game this week! Whitmarsh goes close from another McCormack corner, somehow heading over from almost under the bar! The U’s double their tally on the hour and again that man McCormack is involved. (quite what the fuck he’s been doing on the bench for donkeys escapes us) He collects the ball out on the left and whips in a high curling cross to the back post. Haworth arrives and has the simple task of heading in with Phillips stranded. 2-0! Steady on lads!

The half is livened up even more just a few minutes later. Haworth chases a Dave Harlow ball down the left with Chesham No4 Cort, in pursuit. Both tussle fairly for the ball, but as Haworth appears to have won through, Mr Cort lashes out with an arm, twatting our striker in the face. The ref, who up to now has had a rather good game (Me? Praising officials?? Whatever next!) misses it completely despite being no more than 10 yards behind. Even more annoyingly, neither has the lino on the far side. Complete arse! Having conceded a throw in, when he should be taking an early shower, Cort trots away from the scene of the crime with some serious stick ringing in his ears from the U’s fans behind the goal.

The Sutton physio appears and tends to the slightly groggy Haworth. Meanwhile Cort is still copping it from our good selves behind the goal. After a few moments, he turns to us and makes the universally recognised ‘wanker’ hand signal at the main group of Sutton fans. Sadly for our friend Mr Cort, his less than clever action is witnessed by the referee not several yards away. Pheeeep! Oh, I think he wants a word with him! Much to our delight, Mr Young the ref displays a straight red card. Bye bye! You twat. Rather unhappy with the descision, Cort strolls past us, pausing at the perimeter fence to invite anyone interested to “Come on then”. The Sutton fans promptly invite him to “Fuck off”.

Some stick is also aimed at Dowie, who for the first time this afternoon has remained seated throughout the incident. Strange that!! This upsets him a tadge and he’s soon on his feet again, staring and pointing aggressively at the travelling fans. He then disappears up the steps into the stand, has a word with the directors box and again points in our direction before returning to the bench. We later discover he’d requested stewards to eject EVERY fan behind the goal for ‘foul and abusive’ language!

Are you aware of the phrase involving a pot, a kettle and the colour black Mr Dowie??? Oh and there’s one about glass houses as well if I recall…

Soon after, the U’s, by now cruising (bloody hell, when was the last time THAT happened??) make a double substitution. Danny Bolt and Matty Gray (sponsored by you know who!!) replace the impressive McCormack and Neil Baker. This changes our pattern of play a touch and Chesham start to battle back. One header from a free-kick shaves Dunn’s far post.

The U’s are unlucky not to extend their lead. One great ball into the box is just touched on by the impressive Chesham No2 and it runs too wide for Haworth to strike.

The final few minutes sees a goalmouth scramble at the far end amusingly finished by our old mate Mark Watson. With Dunn grounded and the goal at his mercy, he produces a wonderful air shot. The like of which we have seen many many times! We then try to play ‘keep ball’. Badly!

Whitmarsh sets up Gray with a delightful through ball, but Phillips is quick off his line and makes a good save from Matty’s low shot. Then in the final moments, a Chesham attack breaks down and a quick ball forwards finds Bolt free on the right. He races goalwards and on the edge of the box he lays the ball into the path of Gray, who plants his shot wide of Phillips and in off the post. Woo Hoo! Moments later, the final whistle blows.

As Bob and I go to walk round to the Main Stand side of the ground and thus get in the bar for the footy results, Dowie stomps up the touchline, points at us and then to the other side of the ground.

“Walk that way” He shouts.

Ooooooh, get her!

We decide that the possibilty of getting into a slanging match with the angry bald bloke probably ain’t a wise move, so we wave cheerily and do an about turn. We also decide the bar is also probably not the best bet and head to the pub across the roundabout outside the ground. Whilst supping a pint of Ushers, we watch K’s miserable run continue with Forest Green all but dooming them by winning at Morecambe. Boggles the mind that they’re where they are with the side they’ve got. How have they managed to be that shit?

A couple of more pubs later, it’s time to head home and make use of the Hogshead beer festival where we meet up with Jules and have a chuckle at both K’s and the Scummers predicament.

All in all, a successful Saturday really.

MAN OF THE MATCH : Frank McCormack. Excellent.

ENTERTAINMENT : 8. A good win and the Dowie/Cort factor bumps it up a bit!

TEAM : Dunn, McCormack, Horner, Aligheri, Palmer, Harlow, Baker, Boothe, Whitmarsh, Haworth, Honey  SUBS : Bolt, Gray, Brooker

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.