There’s Only One Gus Hurdle!


SUTTON UNITED – 7  [Boothe 23. Whitmarsh 25. Haworth 35.75. Bolt 60.66.86]
DULWICH – 1  [Sears 31]

Match Reporter: Chalmers

I left Bob & Chalmers to scrap it out amongst themselves for the ‘honour’ of doing this one as I was away in not-so-sunny Cleethorpes for the missus birthday and was freezing my bollocks off watching Grimsby – Barnsley as this somewhat unexpected rout typically unfolded without me there present. It appears Mr Chalmers drew the short straw, albeit initially…

Got to the game today and the last thing I expected was to be doing this bloody report. But Bob pulled a pen and some paper on me and shoved them into my hands, adamant he WASN’T doing it! Never mind at least I got to do a win. Taz’s away with the missus again & he’s missed another big score, first 6-2 at Canvey and now a 7-1! Tut tut mate.

We came into this game unconvinced we’d get much if anything out of it after a run of 7 successive defeats lately. You know, Whyteleafe, Uxbridge etc, I needn’t go on. Our form has been somewhat dismal basically. Still, the oppo today have been a bit shit themselves recently and they ain’t setting the league alight currently, so you never know. It’s the hope that kills you and all that.

However there’s a nice surprise in the Dulwich line up. They’ve only got Gus Hurdle playing for ‘em! What a player! (Do I detect a touch of sarcasm Chalmers?? – Taz) It just so happens that the one time Scummer popped up in a discussion at work recently about seriously bad players we’d seen down the years, when a mate, Rob (a Brentford devotee) mentioned Mr Hurdle along with the slightly more familiar to us name of Murray Jones in this category. Apparently a couple of other Bees fans he knows thought he really was quality however! No accounting for some people’s taste I guess. Maybe I’ll keep an eye on our man today then? Especially as he’s getting on a bit now and he’s gonna be marking Nko, which should be fun.

Once the game is underway, my planned ‘GusCam’ feature for this entry didn’t last long. On our first attack Nko skins him big time. No, really skins him. As in he’s trailing about 20 yards behind when Nko fires in the cross! With that, I dump the ‘GusCam’. idea as it’ll be way too time consuming writing my notes if he’s gonna be that busy this afternoon. That and I’m not sure I can come up with more than half a dozen metaphors for getting skinned at the absolute most. Oh well, best laid plans and all that.

The first half is fairly end to end, but with no real chances created until 23 minutes in when a Bolt free-kick is knocked out for a corner. The corner is whipped in and misses everyone except Boothe at the back post and he toe pokes it in. 1-0. That’ll do for starters lads. As I’ve got lumbered with the blog, I decide that the least Bob can do is keep Taz informed of the score via text, so I give him a nudge so he can get the word out.

Dulwich’s silly tactic of giving away pointless free-kicks costs then dear two minutes later when Bolty delivers to an unmarked Whitmarsh in the box and with the Dulwich defence screaming fruitlessly for offside, Whits controls and lashes the ball past Cleevely on the half volley. It’s a quality strike. 2-0. This is what we want!

Sigh. So many goals, so little space, so hungry… (Get on with it you fat git! – Taz). Now, I’ll be honest here and admit I didn’t even know Paul Sears had moved to Dulwich after leaving us following his less than amazing spell with us in the Conference last season, but I soon found out in the worst way possible when he heads home a deep right wing cross to pull Hamlet back into the game! But their comeback doesn’t last long and we’re back on top as Haworth blasts a shot just wide soon after.

My old mate Gus meanwhile is talking a good game, but generally standing aside when Nko is on the ball. Can’t say I blame him really, it’s like trying to stop a bulldozer when he’s in full chat as he;s built like a brick shithouse. Nko plays a 1-2 with Harlow, gets to the bye line, whips over the cross for Whitmarsh to nod back across goal where Haworth controls and blasts past the hapless Cleevely from close range. 3-1 and Les is soon back on his feet ranting & raving like a good ‘un at his defence’s lack of marking. Oi Bob! Time for another text mate!

Christ it’s cold and me fingers are turning blue with all this writing! So I’m glad of half time when we of course nip to the bar to warm up and I find my footy bet is looking good too. No horsey bets for me ’til Cheltenham though as I’m keeping my luck in reserve, but I’ll admit I’m getting withdrawal symptoms a touch. I did win a few quid on the dogs though, so that at least keeps that little itch scratched and… (GET ON WITH IT CHALMERS! – Taz)

Out for the second half and the tea-bar has only shut bloody early. Sin of sins! Guess Rose had properly sold out! We do manage to wangle a cup of tea from Rose in the end though, she’s always got time for us idiots up on the Shoebox, although god only knows why! The half starts with Whitmarsh and Bolt practically tackling each other on the edge of the box and making complete arses out of themselves. Bolty makes amends though with a spectacular effort from another yet pointless free kick. Out on the touchline a couple of yards from the corner flag he curls it over everyone’s heads and straight in at the back post. Unbelieveable! 4-1. Bob! Text! A couple of minutes later the cheeky fucker tries again from a corner. And hits the bar!

Not to be denied though, he collects the ball a good 30 yards out. As the Dulwich defence backs off, Dan notices ol’ Les has strayed a little too far off his line and chips him from 25 yards. 5-1 and we’re in shock. We’re playing well today, but just how bad Dulwich are beggars belief.

Tommy Dunn up to this point hasn’t had a lot to do, but he does make one brilliant stop, clawing away Nartey’s top corner bound header. Then, after a performance of very little note, our star of the show, Gus Hurdle departs having put in not one single tackle on Nko all afternoon. Not that his replacement does any better though. Nko promptly storms down the flank again, crosses to the near post where Matt Gray draws out the defender leaving Haworth unmarked to nod in number six. I wonder if Taz is bored of Bob’s texts yet? (No, but the fucking missus was! – Taz)

The goal marathon finally comes to an end with Danny Bolt’s hat-trick. Gray plays it into Haworth who lays off to Dan who sees a gap as the defender backs off and fires an unstoppable left footer into the bottom right corner for lucky number 7. Gray also nearly adds to the tally near the end but snatches at a couple of chances and poor Les remains unbeaten again before the end.

So it’s off to the Robin Hood for a couple after the final whistle and a warm up before I head home for grub and back to the Firkin in Sutton for the band and a load more beer. It seems Taz loved his day out at Blundell Park as ex-Palace man Bruce Dyer got 2 as Barnsely won the Yorkie Derby. Seems he also got a bollocking from the missus for all the score update texts Bob sent him during the game! Poor sod. Still it seems that the missus family are more sympathetic and him missing a 7-1 to watch Grimsby get done earns him a fair few pints that evening.

As I arrive back at the boozer for the evening’s entertainment, there’s an ambulance outside. Seems like a bouncer got glassed whilst trying to break up a ruck. Sutton eh? More importantly though, it gets us a free beer for some reason! Trauma? Who knows. Still, the band are quality, playing mainly 70’s rock covers and with plenty of alcohol to help celebrate our first win in about 3 months, it goes down a treat.

The only question I’d like answered is will we ever see the delight of Gus Hurdle at GGL again after today?

Whilst I probably doubt it, I would certainly hope so…

TEAM : Dunn, Brooker, Riley, Boothe, Howard, Harlow, Bolt, Horner, Whitmarsh, Haworth, Ekoku.  SUBS : Gray, Honey, McCormack

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