A Brief Flash Of Optimism…Oh


Att: 110

UXBRIDGE – 2  [Tunnel 5. Clarke 79]


Silly me. Got carried away there for a moment. We go and sign a good solid striker in Rob Haworth to partner Whitmarsh up front and I’m off thinking we can actually start winning games again.

Wrong again Taz!

I had hopes of at least a decent performance tonight and progress in the competition to keep the interest going. Yep, cynical ol’ Taz actually thought we’d play well. Silly sod. It goes without saying, what we got instead was 90 minutes of abject crap.

Having been without footy for so long, I was quite looking forwards to the game. Our new signing, coupled with the fact I’d never been to Uxbridge before made me hope the weather would’nt get the better of us again. Oh arse.

I met Bob & Judith at the Fullers boozer in Paddington station on time despite the best efforts of some Spanish twat crashing his lorry and it’s load of oranges into a railway bridge in Epsom.  In fact there was even time for a swift pint before ambling off for the train. Squished into said train with several thousand other bods, we worked out when Chalmers last away game had been. Turns out it was Weymouth in the Trophy. That’s what we like mate! Dedication to the cause!!! Other less clued up people would probably refer to it as ‘common sense’. Pah!

Off at West Drayton, there’s even time for another quick drinky in the boozer by the station. Judith works with a bloke from round here and he’d recommended it. Not a bad pint of Adnams Broadside is necked and we stumble off into the night towards Uxbridge’s Honeywell ground. I’m impressed when we get there. The pitch is huge and there’s covered terracing at both ends with 2 neat little stands either side. It puts a few of the grounds in the premier to shame!! Bobs not impressed though. As we’re going thru the turnstile, there’s 3 proggies left. Chalmers in first gets one. Bob thinks there’s only one left, but I reassure him. “Nah mate, there’s 2. I can see ‘em”. Just as I turn back to pay, a hand reaches round the bloke behind the turnstile and whips one of the 2 remaining proggies. So I buy mine and ol’ Bob is left without! Like I said. He ain’t happy.

We snaffle some grub (mmmm, sausage rolls!) and wander round to one end. The team has some changes. With Paul Harford on the transfer list at his own request, reserve team skipper Aaron somebody-or-other partners Harlow in the middle. New signing Haworth partners Whitmarsh in attack and stragest of all, Nko is playing at left back!!! Yeah, you read it right, LEFT BACK. Not left wing-back. Left BACK. Completely hatstand if you ask me.

It’s quickly apparent we’re not really up for this. Uxbridge are moving the ball around nicely, whilst we’re struggling to string more than 2 passes together (as per normal). This is particularly annoying for me when we consider the facts here. We have a pacy, tricky winger in Bolt who can deliver crosses like no ones business. A pitch the size of sodding Begium and a big strong centre forward who can head the ball! Do we use these to our advantage?? Do we buggery.

We’ve hardly finished our munchies when the home side take the lead. Riley slips and their No10 races in, draws Howells off his line and slips the ball into the bottom far corner. Nice start lads.

There then follows a good 20 minute spell where we’re frankly not even in the game. Uxbridge move the ball around almost without any interference from our good selves and it’s clear that having a non-existant midfield is killing us. Whitmarsh & Haworth are living off scraps and are having to go looking for the ball rather than have it delivered to them. We do wake up eventually and show what we can do, but only in desperately brief moments. Whitmarsh wriggles past 2 tackles and sends a curling shot from the corner of the box fizzing inches wide of the far upright. He and his new partner then get their wires crossed & collide in acres of space when going for the same ball a few minutes later.

In fact, the most entertaining moment of the half is provided by yours truly. Whilst berating the ref after a particularly crap decision, I questioned loudly where he was from. Well, I tried to!! Meaning to enquire if he was from Hayes or Yeading (Both just up the road) What I actually said was Yayes and Heading!!! I’d blame the beer, but I’d only had 2 pints…..oh arse.

Haworth plays a 1-2 with Harlow and the skippers fierce drive is beaten out from under the bar by the home ‘keeper. This isn’t to say Gareth is unemployed during this time!! Uxbridge have 2 scrambled efforts kept out by goal-line clearances and Howells makes two fingertip saves to push the ball over the bar.

So 1-0 down at the break and we’re not convinced we can pull it back to be honest!

With no changes at half time (not even positional ones!! Nko at LEFT BACK?? Fer fucks sake!) we proceed to turn in an awful second 45 minutes. The only half I’ve seen worse was at Corinthian Casuals! Sears is having a complete mare wide on the right. He does’nt beat one man or complete a single serious forwards pass the whole night. Aaron Whatsisface looks a little lost in the middle of the park and like his skipper is basically finding anyone NOT in an Amber shirt.

Again, it takes us almost 20 minutes to muster a chance and charitably it’s supplied by Uxbridge themselves. A miskick sends Whitmarsh clear and with just the ‘keeper to beat, he hits his shot straight at him. Oh bollocks, it’s gonna be one of those nights.

All the time, only wayward finishing and some good goalkeeping by Howells keeps the score down to just the one. Haworth for once turns with the ball and decides to take on a defender. He beats his man and delivers a low ball to the near post, that Whitmarsh meets, but does’nt get sufficient pace on the shot to beat the ‘keeper.

And with 10 minutes to go, Uxbridge finally put us out of our misery. Pushing up a little, we get caught out and a home midfielder cuts in from an angle, plays a low ball to the near post and the striker sticks the ball into the net inside the far post. One down and we were struggling, two down and we’re fucked.

Gareth pulls off 2 more good stops to prevent real embarrassment and JR introduces Matty Gray and

Thompson for the last 5 minutes. Oooooh, how incredibly daring of you JR.

We’re so pissed off by the performance, we can’t even be arsed to have a beer on the way home. Now THAT’S how bad it was.

So we’re out of the Full Members Cup as well now. Is this so we can concentrate on improving our crap league position and the Surrey Cup?? Somehow, methinks not.

Oh, before I forget, anyone got a midfield they don’t want?? Carshalton players need not apply.

MAN OF THE MATCH : The Sausage roll I had before the game.

ENTERTAINMENT : 5. Uxbridge were’nt bad. Gawd knows why they’re bottom half of the 1st.

TEAM : Howells, Riley, Ekoku, Brooker, Palmer, Sears, Harlow, Bolt, Smith, Whitmarsh, Haworth  SUBS : Thompson, Gray

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