If you read my tat on here regularly, you may have noticed the occasional mention of my being shipped off to the Northern Nordic reaches for work over the last couple of years. Yes, as well as actually making me responsible for other people, the fools that I work for decided that making me responsible for people in an entirely different country was also a good move. So I wound up in charge of a mostly Norwegian team based in Oslo. I guess I’m just the inspirational leader type I guess? Anyway, as part of this whole debateable carry on, I have to occasionally hop on a plane and spend 3-4 days in the Norwegian capital doing stuff. Leadership type management stuff. You know the kind.
Of course, the big deal about this for me wasn’t the better money, the wonders of travel, the joys of £15 pints or even getting to revisit a city I’d not been to in many many years. Oh no. It was of course getting to watch the local variant of the ball based sport I tend to waste far too much of my time on already. Naturally, with that being my big plus point, it’s been largely a fucking disaster when it’s come to actually seeing any. Two of my visits have been in February, when it’s darker than those bogs at RPV that Kebab Belly Bob fell through the floor of and almost as cold as Boundary Park. So there isn’t any football. The other visits have been in September and October. Which are better generally as their season is in it’s latter stages. Sadly, the twats I work for managed to pick an international week both times. So no Eliteserien or even OBOS Ligaen. And the first of those was with Norway having played their home international on the Saturday and were away midweek. Fuck my life.
I did eventually manage a couple games the second of those occasions and I touched on them in the pre-amble to the Southend blog from earlier this season. So, with this in mind, I was keen to press the employer’s promise that I should be out here 4 times a year and get the bastards to get me in town at some point between Feb and October so I can crack on with the football fix. Oh and do some work too, obviously. Thankfully they listened and said I could next pop over in May. Which in typical fashion the date just so happened to be the one after the biggest Norwegian Holiday of them all, ‘Syttende Mai’. Basically their foundation\constitution day, which is quite the big deal in these parts. And the result? No bastard football that weekend of course! The top 3-4 leagues put on a special set of ‘holiday fixtures’ on the Friday so everyone can spend the weekend getting lashed up with no footbally distractions. So of course, that means when I land Sunday I’ve sod all to do but wander about like a tourist admiring all the stuff in town that’s mostly closed. Amazeballs.
After some digging on the Futbology app though, I finally found some passable options. There was some action Monday, but mostly 7th division with a couple in the 5th a bit further out from town. I’ve watched enough non-league over the years, so this goes in the ‘If I have to’ pile. On Tuesday and Wednesday though, my luck might be in it seems. First Stabæk are at home in the Norwegian cup and it’s reachable from the office if it’s a 6pm KO as seems to be the case. Plus Lillestrøm are also at home in the cup the following night. And despite not actually being Oslo, my hotel’s proximity to the central station and Lillestrøm being on the line to the airport means it’s actually probably as easy a run than the game the night before. You know, I might be able to rescue this! He says confidently, not remembering ‘good at plans, shit at executing’ being a thing that afflicts me often. And so it came to be on this occasion too. My team decides that a meal out for everyone on Wednesday is required rather than the usual lunches we tend to undertake and that’s the Lillestrom tie kyboshed. So it’s down to the oddly Scandinavian spelling of Stabæk (pronounced Sta-bek) to rescue the ‘big game’ choice. Oh well, beggars can’t be choosers.
A quick enquiry on the ‘European Football Weekends’ group on replicant oddball Zuckerberg’s site gets me confirmation that my now only serious match choice does indeed KO at 6 so I should be able to make that from the office in time. Sorted. I also have all sorts of low level stuff suggested for the Monday, but nothing really appeals as it’ll basically be proper amateur level games on a public 3G most likely and I’m more in a ‘proper ground’ type of mood. However, a top chap called Marius suggests “I would try the match at Caltexløkka. Easy to get to, and a charming location”. Charming eh? We’ll see about that. However, a quick check reveals that the 7th tier game between Lille Tøyen and Rustad Abildsø he is suggesting was one of the ones I’d spotted on the app and is an 8.15 kick off, less than a 20 minute walk from my hotel and a shufty on street view does seem to back up your man’s talk of it being a charming spot. Ok, one for the maybe’s list, if I can make it, I’ll give it a pop. And besides, a tick is a tick right? As it turns out, work tips out at 5 and a few of us mill around before I head for dinner with a couple of colleagues. Fortunately we eat early enough that by the time we take a relaxed stroll back to digs, it’s still only 20 to 8 and remains gloriously warm and sunny out. Hmmm. Be fucking rude not to really.
Bidding the guys goodnight, I bomb upstairs, chuck on some scruffs, grab a bottle of water and my headphones for the walk and get my strut on. The route takes me away from the centre and after going over a couple of streets I’m soon into what is clearly a more regular, working class & multicultural part of town. The level of graffiti goes up a notch and the architecture gets a little older and less uniform, but increases in character. Before long, I’m skirting around Oslo’s Botanical Gardens and I briefly consider dipping in to briefly see a bit of it to add some culture to my stroll, but with the kick off looming I decide to keep to the faster route and bypass it. Next time maybe. Up the hill and just past Toyen T-Bane station, I can see the edge of the Caltexløkka ground, mildly familiar from my street view stalking a week or so before. As I draw closer, I can see the two teams are out warming up in the style you’d expect from a 7th tier fixture and start looking for a way in. I’m certainly not expecting to have to locate any turnstiles, that’s for sure!
I’m right in that count as a gap in the high fencing\netting around the ground clearly there to prevent errant hoofed clearances from playing havoc with the main road running alongside the ground has little gaps in it created by overlapping panels. And as indicated by the wear on the grass in these areas, these will be my ‘turnstiles’. So I slip in just as the game starts and immediately I’m on a little bit of grass banking behind one goal and with a decent view of the action. Sweet. It turns out Marius wasn’t kidding. Given how close this is to the centre of town, it is definitely one to file as ‘charming’. The parkland the ground is in seems to have an interesting sort of stepped terrace thing going on and off to my left in the park itself, locals are all sprawled out in catching some post-work late evening rays. This carries on around the far and of the ground and you could get a great view down onto the pitch from up there. I’ll check that out later.
Having checked in on Futbology (like I said, a tick’s a tick!) out on the pitch the visitors clad in their smart green and black striped shirts make a fast start and inside 10 minutes are already two goals to the good. Both from set pieces and both seemingly taking advantage of the low evening sun being firmly in the home keeper’s eyes at the far end. First a deep free kick is put into the box and with the stopper clearly losing the flight of the ball in the glare, a glancing header makes it 1-0. A few minutes later, a corner swung in to the near post has home defenders and keeper once again squinting like Spitfire pilots trying to spot a squadron of ME109’s diving out of the sun. But in their case it’s a big lad up from the back that’s more the problem and another free header is nutted into the onion bag. 2-0 and a shocked silence falls over the Caltexløkka. Or it could just be everyone’s still a bit sluggish from a Monday at work after the heavy weekend. After the early drama, I settle in and start to pick out some more peculiarities of the Norwegian 7th tier. First of all, a shocking throw in call by the ref causes me to realise there’s no linos at all. Proper!
Secondly, the first subs are made about 20-25 minutes in. This makes me wonder if they use roll on roll off or if at this level you have to use all your lads that show up so they all get a certain amount of minutes or something? Fair play if so. Makes the effort of pulling on your boots more worthwhile if you know you’re going to get a reasonable run out at least, especially if you’re out here after a day’s graft. This last aspect certainly seems to add to the contest as once changes are made, Rustad’s early dominance wanes and Toyen come more and more into the contest. The visitors are mostly affected by their big number 6 moving up into midfield from defence after these subs and without him organising and nutting away anything coming near him, the hosts get a foothold. Of course, having had the first 2 goals up the far end, I move round to change my vantage point and once on the much higher bank at the other end, Toyen finally pulls one back before half time. Quick pass wide, lad in space drills it low across and the striker arrives perfectly to slot in from close range. Game on. At the break I wander around a bit more to admire the home\away changing rooms that are two smart little wooden bungalows. A sign also reveals that Tøyen appears to have won a ‘Fair Play’ award back in 2024. Also, I get a closer look at the ‘stand’, a tidy little 20-30 seat temporary scaffold type affair containing the usual WAGs and mates watching that you’d expect at this level.
Out on the pitch, whilst a labradoodle darts around on the 3G chasing a very squeaky ball, the two teams second half prep can be observed. In front, the visitors are more relaxed and subs knock a ball about and a few catch a breather with a drink. The hosts however are sat in a huddle getting a Phil Brown from a lad I assume is the manager. Clearly being behind at home was not part of the plan. I guess not marking at set pieces wasn’t either, but then we’ve all been there eh?? Back on the bank where I started the game, the second half kicks off and I wonder quite what was said in the Tøyen team talk as within a couple of minutes they should be properly done and dusted. First their keeper drops an up and under into the box under no pressure, but is saved by a defender getting back to hook the bouncing ball away from under the bar. Then right after, a diagonal ball in is headed back across the keeper by his own defender, again under no pressure and the stopper makes up for the earlier error doing brilliantly to readjust and just get something on the ball to divert it away from goal at the expense of a corner.
It’s a big save as several minutes after that, the hosts draw level with their first serious attack of the half. A decent through ball is threaded in, the forward goes clear and standing the keeper up, toe pokes it between him and the near post. This brings the loudest cheer of the night so far. However it’s topped soon after when they go 3-2 up. Sadly I missed most of it as I was typing bollocks on WhatsApp, but it looked a smart finish from a low ball in from wide (I think!). I make that two in three minutes. Exciting stuff this Norwegian lower league lark! Tøyen should see the game off here and miss a couple of chances, the best being a low free kick malleted low goalwards that gets deflected and the keeper shovels it out somehow. He can’t do much about the next one on the hour though, hit low & hard, he makes the stop but this time an oppo is lurking and from 2-0 down, the home side and now 4-2 up. And this is 7th tier? This is better than a lot of the games I saw at GGL last season!
More subs come and go and last 10 it seems Rustad have got their mix right again as they press on and the home side fade a little. A home defender is a little lucky to stay on when he gets done by a long ball bounce and hauls down the oppo on the edge. A yellow is his rather lenient punishment. I guess that might explain how they copped that award last year then? The free kick is bludgeoned on goal but the keeps shows strong hands to beat it away. I use a lull in the action to upload a pic for my match record on Futbology and note that I’m not the only sad bastard in Oslo, as it seems 5 other lads have checked in at tonight’s fixture as well! We’re all having the last laugh though as it’s been a decent contest so far. Into the last few, the visitors press and press but don’t look to be getting any change until right at the death, another fierce free kick from about 20 is saved, but this time again someone’s on hand to poke in the loose and make it 4-3 and set up a grandstand finish.
Sadly though, that one last chance won’t come for the lads in Green and just the seven goals is my reward for tonight. It’s still perfectly light out, but with the sun finally having dropped behind the horizon, I’m now wishing I’d brought my hoodie with me as I’m a bit parky. But as I begin my walk back down to home base, I soon warm up once the old claret starts circulating once more. Following the same route back through the much now quieter streets, I note some almost Gandermonium flavoured graffiti along the way and quick as a flash, I’m back at my digs and making a call back to Mrs Taz at home to check in and see how she’s coping without me around.
Quite well it turns out. Funny that.
Right time for bed. Here’s hoping the big time Charlie professionals tomorrow can put on something as entertaining as the boys did here at Caltexløkka tonight.
Taz