Good Ol’ Fashioned 1-0 Hammering


Att: 518

SUTTON UNITED – 1  [Quinton 22]


It’s saturday. And you know what that means. Taz has to go out and buy a new fucking iron, thats what! ‘Cos he broke his old one when he knocked it off the ironing board on Wednesday.

Stupid clumsy twat. And I wasn’t even pissed. Which might have made it slightly more amusing than it really was.

In the end though, I decide that I’m really not sure I could handle the excitement of a trip to Argos for that new iron AND a Conference South six pointer at GGL, so naturally I stayed in bed, had a huge lazy tosser sized lie in and then crawled down the pub before going to football.

Yeah yeah, I know, should’ve gone and got the iron instead…..

With tuesdays less than heartening 2nd half display still all too fresh in the memory despite the harrowing loss of my iron, I’m understandably a little less than enthralled by todays encounter.

Frstly, it’s at home. And whilst this means it’s local and I can have a lie in, they’re never as good as away games. And secondly, we can be ever so slightly rubbish against fellow strugglers when we really put our minds to it.

Into the pub at 2, I find PC and his brother Darren enjoying a pint. A bit of natter later and Mrs C joins the party closely followed by Bob. Some perfectly timed pint sinking is done and we walk through the turnstiles just as the sides line up for the kick off.


Only problem is, we’ve no idea of the starting line up. Which is a bit slipshod for those of us attempting to write match reports for stupid websites.  Eg. Me.

A quick glance round suffices and I manage to work out that Mr Hogan is missing, with Wilson between the sticks and AJ has been dropped in favour of Craig Tanner, back from his Histon inflicted broken leg. Quincy is once more in the back 4 with the Bashmeister and the Uggernaut prowling midfield.

Before today, I’d said that we needed to tear into Hayes from the off and batter ’em for the first 20 mins, given their defensive record in the last 2 games, which yielded 9 goals in favour of thier opponents. And thankfully, it seems Mr Hazel is of a similar school of thought as we do indeed set off in a rather rapid manner.

Just 2 minutes in, a ball up front finds McBean to the right. He turns & cuts infield before whipping a shot from a central position 20 yards out inches wide of the far post.

Four minutes later and a huge kick from Wilson carries over the defence and sends our top scorer racing clear. He takes a touch before rifling a shot on target from the angle, but ex-Us stopper Kevin Davies gets down well to beat away the effort.

We go even closer a minute later when McBean feeds Harris to the left of the box and he rolls it back along the 18 yard line for Ross Gaynor to curl an effort onto the crossbar.

Oh toss. Please tell me it’s not going to be one of those days where we batter some side half to death only to conceed a crap goal right at the death…..

The feeling mentioned above isn’t dispelled after 9 minutes when Gaynor delivers a corner low from the left, Bash steps over on the corner of the box and it runs to Gray on the right. With loads of time, space and target to aim at, his curling effort hits the outside of the post.

No no no NO! Put it IN the goal please.

Still, we keep coming and on 12 mins, the ball is swept left to right finding McBean. He feeds Gray into the channel and his shot skips across goal before being turned towards the target from almost on the byeline on the left by Gaynor. But again Davies is well positioned to block the shot and we have a corner.

After this intensive bombardment, the Hayes players emerge from their little bunker, a little dazed that they’re still in the game and proceed to remind us they’re still around. The defence fails to really clear it’s lines down the right and a quick ball down the flank catches out Palmer. A low cross is delivered to the near post, but it’s cut out and cleared for a corner.

A minute later, a throw from the left is flicked on and drops behind the defence, giving the no9 a great chance, but his effort is very weak and Wilson falls on it without any real trouble.

Thankfully, after that little reminder that we do in fact have opposition today, we finally make the breakthrough. With 22 minutes gone a free-kick into the box isn’t really cleared. The persistance of Bash & Ug wins back possession and the ball is slipped through on the right for Quinton, who holds off his man and neatly slides the ball under the advancing keeper and inside the far post.

Thank fuck for that! I was starting to get worried there. Now, can we have another 4 or 5 to really settle the nerves please??

Bizarrely, to celebrate the goal, Quincy and a number of the other lads break into a ‘Duck Walk’ type celebration in front of us.

What the bloody hell is all that about??

Our attention then turns to Windy, who of course has a 20 quid bet with Mr Quinton that he won’t score a certain number of goals this season. With his latest strike, he can’t be too far off the mark now.

So we of course ask the Scottish one to clarify the situation.

Now Gareth, “Go get fucked” isn’t very helpful is it?

With the vital first goal in place, we keep up the pressure to try & increase the advantage. A quick ball from the back is evenually fed out to Gaynor on the left and he gets in behind the defence, but his low effort is straight at the ‘keeper.

Hayes waste another opportunity presented to them on the half hour when we fail to clear a set piece from the left. The ball is headed into the air a couple of times before dropping behind our backline again and once more gives their attacker a good sight of the target. But sadly for our visitors, he shins his effort weakly across goal and out for a goal kick.

From here on in, we continue to enjoy much of the possession and exert plenty of pressure, but our rythm is somewhat upset by the loss of Alimi to injury. Typically, his last action is a crunching challenge in midfield that conceeds the throw in that allows him to finally hobble off and be replaced by AJ. After this, we fail to carve out any really meaningful chances and sadly, we head for our half time beer in the bar only the single goal to the good.

Oh joy. Rubbish, undeserved last minute equaliser anyone??

In the bar, I find Oldham are losing to Bournemouth, who are a bit rubbish and that the Scummers are 4-2 up against whoever it is they’re playing.

Four goals? Bloody hell, that’s doubled the tally for the season hasn’t it?

We start the second half in equally determined fashion as the first, but it takes several minutes for the first chance to appear. A big throw from the left is flicked on and drops for Gray on the right corner of the 18 yard box. His thumping volley flashes across goal and wide of the far post.

Gray then provides a teasing free-kick from the left 5 minutes later, but it’s just too far ahead of Harris at the far post and Davies just gathers ahead of the big striker.

Harris is then withdrawn for the nippy Henry and the little striker is soon involved in the action.

A free-kick is put in from the left and from a header on, drops kindly for Henry. But his snap shot from the right of the box is the right height for the ‘keeper to beat away. McBean reacts quickest to put away the rebound, but the linesmans flag is up immediately and the goal is cancelled out for offside.

On 61 mins, a long ball down the right sends Henry clear, but the angle is tight and Davies makes a fairly regulation stop at the expense of another corner.

Hayes have a half chance soon after, but again the finish is weak and easy for Wilson. A ball through the centre catching out the Sutton defence before being switched to the right causes the problem.

Gaynor comes closest to extending the lead on 78 mins and almost tops an all action performance with a great strike, only to be denied by a super fingertip save from the Hayes ‘keeper, tipping the fierce drive onto the bar after the U’s doggedly refuse to give up an attack and eventually feed the Irishman in space on the left.

With time running down, Gray makes the most of a quick break down the right to beat his man and lay the ball across the box. Unfotrunately a defender manages to get his foot in to clear before the pass can find McBean waiting for the tap in on the far side.

As we approach the final moments, we start getting a little nervous about the prospect of conceeding a rubbish late equaliser. Thankfully, the only real nervy moment comes when a late attack involves the somewhat illegal reappearance to the pitch of the Hayes no7 who breaks off from his treatment with the physio to join in an attack when it comes his way.

Despite our worries, the attack breaks down despite this assistance and the ref eventually puts out nerves at ease with the final whistle.

Thank christ for that.

Right, can we go get drunk now please?

We adjourn to the bar to watch the rugby and mock Gareth ever so slightly at the Sweaties embarrassing loss at home to the Italians earlier on.

One England tonking later and we’re off to the Hood for dinner, beer and a nice game of Scrabble.

Well, we’ve got to take it a little easy. It’s Cambridge away next week after all!

MAN OF THE MATCH : Ross Gaynor. All action performance from the Irishman.

ENTERTAINMENT : 6. Not fantastic, but job done.

TEAM : Wilson, Palmer, Quinton, Gonsalves, Tanner, Gray, Alimi, Gaynor, Honey, McBean, Harris. SUBS : Fear, Akuamouah, Bray, Henry, Naughton

THE REFEREE’S………not that bad actually. Couple of minor moans, but almost faultless compared to some of the tools we’ve had to put up with recently.

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