A Woman’s Perspective

CONFERENCE SOUTH

Att : 513



EASTLEIGH – 2   [Forbes 89. 90]

SUTTON UNITED – 0



Match Reporter: Mrs Chalmers

Unfortunately, a slight cashflow problem and faulty central heating (in a secret Volcano lair, I know, embarrassing right?) at Gandermonium HQ meant I had to give our first ever visit to Eastleigh a miss.

This left me with the problem of keeping up our pissed up coverage of U’s games. Sadly, I couldn’t ask Windy, as he’s fucking useless and still has yet to produce the report he said he’d do for the Hornchurch away game 2 seasons ago. And I knew Chalmers would moan that he’d done the last one. And Greek wasn’t going. Hmmm………..now who can I ask?

Aaaaaaah. I know!

Over to you Mrs C…

Are we all sitting comfortably? Then I’ll begin.

The story starts when long ago (well down the Robin Hood after the Lewes game last Tuesday) four friends were sitting around discussing non-league football, in particular Sutton United. There was Taz, Bob, Mr and Mrs Chalmers. Mrs C had just returned from the toilet when she noticed Taz was grinning at her like a Cheshire cat. “Hmm” she thought, “I wonder what he wants!”

As if Taz had read her mind he looked up at her, smiled sweetly and said “Ere love, do ya fancy doin’ match report for Sat’ day ‘cos I ain’t gonna be there!”

Well an offer like that, she couldn’t possibly refuse. And so here is the Eastleigh Report: A Woman’s Perspective.

I awake on Saturday morning; ready, alert and eager to write my first (of many perhaps) match report. The newly bought shirt comes off dressing table and put on. Now, I wonder if the shirt will bring us more luck than it did on Tuesday.

Just before ten, my significant other and I head off to Mitcham station to meet the rest of our co-fans. A rather small party this morning, (just me, Paul, Gareth and DS) After barely five minutes travelling I notice a rather sour looking Paul. Oh god, what’s he done now? “Forgot flag!” he mumbles. Eejit! We’d only been round Taz’s flat 12 hours ago to pick up the bleeding thing! Pfft! (Sorry to interrupt here, but how the hell can you ‘forget’ the sodding flag?? It’s EIGHTEEN FEET wide!!! Idiot!! – Taz)

We arrive at Clapham and the drinking begins… well drinking tea and coffee ‘cos it’s quite a chilly morning.

We make it to Eastleigh just before noon. Looking around at the four of us, I know we are all thinking the same thing…DRINK!

We come across a bar called Lucky Jim’s and reckon we’ll give it a go. However, doors are locked and we end up waiting a whole hundred and twenty seconds until it’s opened.

Once inside beer is bought, drunk, and pool is played. Hmmm, bored now! And so we depart to find another intoxicating beverage trading establishment! (Not a bad vocabulary eh AB?) Looking around and valuable drinking time wasting away, we decide to head to ground. On way, cabbie tells us there are only four pubs in town centre and half a dozen or so clubs. To name a few; Comrades Club, Progressive Club and Conservative Club. Hmm, not exactly what we had in mind.

Arrive at club and are not surprisingly served quite quickly due to the fact hardly any bugger is here. Well it’s only just gone one o’ clock. Next two hours go by happily drinking and discussing what we’d like to see happen today. Pleeeeease, let us win!

The game started with early pressure from the home side and a couple of corners that proved fruitless. One of which Paul Honey cleared well down the line for Craig Watkins who did well to get a ball into the box but was cleared easily.

It doesn’t take Gareth too long (well 6 minutes) to realise the Eastleigh keeper is somewhat more big boned than your average Joe. Needless to say his cat calls of “bacon…steak…etc etc” are soon to be heard.

A passing move involving Quinton and Castledine results in an easy save for Shaw in the Eastleigh goal. In the following minutes there were good chances for both sides with Pitcher, Luke and Craig all having elusive attempts at goal.

About half way through the first half, Luke was handled by ex-U Bradley Thomas as if he was his dancing partner on Strictly Come Dancing just inside the area. We’re all waiting for a penalty to be given but surprise, surprise a free kick is given the other bloody way. B*llox. Oh how I love Conference South referees!

The game went a bit quiet with a substitution for Eastleigh, replacing Oliver with Ashdown. A further couple of chances for each side towards the end of the half brought the first 45 minutes to a close. Right, quick dash to bar and pee break!

The second half started with us being somewhat confident. Wonder what JR had said to them! Craig has had the opponent’s left back in his back pocket for most of the game and has been our most positive player creating chances for us. Another good cross from him is beaten away by Shaw again who’s having a good game.

Another dodgy decision made by the referee sees Scooby looking at a yellow card. Please John, keep your cool. Leave it to us to slag off the tosspot!

Here comes another good corner from Pitcher, which is superbly headed towards goal by Castledine. The ball barely touches Shaw’s fingers but it’s enough to keep ball out of net again!

A bit of a chill has emerged and bless him, Chalmers is feeling the cold on the back of his neck. It’s strange really, considering how much hair he’s got. The Scotsman in Windy not feeling the cold removes his coat, which gives Chalmers the ideal opportunity to warm up, and nabs it.

With ten minutes to go, Eastleigh’s number 4 had a chance to score. However this was soon broken up by pressure from the U’s defence, which resulted in him making an arse of himself by falling to ground theatrically.

A defining moment came in the 84th minute when Andy Forbes was pushed up front from his covering role at centre back when Blake replaced Peters. Just when we thought we had squeezed a point out of a tight game, the afore mentioned Mr Forbes slips the ball past Phil Wilson to give Eastleigh the lead with barely a minute left on the clock when a ball from out wide is connected by him at the front post.

Craig came close to equalising for us soon after when he rounded the keeper but the right back got there in time to clear the ball for a corner.

With the resulting corner, Eastleigh sneaked a second goal with Wilson having come up for the corner. The ball was easily cleared and Forbes was able to slot the ball into the net making it 2-0.

The final whistle blows and we’re all disappointed again. This tin pot league is now p*ssing us.

Time for a very BIG drink methinks. We head to bar and content ourselves with watching some of the England game. Soon a cab is ordered to take us to train station and all I hear is Gareth’s rants of “I’m sooo hungry!”

Get to station to realise train is delayed due to “not enough crew”. F*ck’s sake! And now we are all peckish, but only available food outlet happens to be a poxy vending machine. This machine becomes more poxy when Chalmers decides to stick his boot into it because some of his snacks have got caught. He is soon calmed down by the fact that in the First Class lounge they are showing the end of the England game. Despite his charm and wit, he is forbidden to enter the premises and consoles himself by watching it through the very small window in the door.

Later rather than sooner we’re on the train and everybody looks shattered. Chalmers and Gareth have a nap…separately. Meanwhile I attack tricky children’s puzzles from the train magazine.

A couple of hours later, Chalmers and I are back home where we started. A little less sober. A little less excited and a lot more hungry! Mmm, methinks I’ll order a Chinese!

MAN OF THE MATCH – None Mentioned!

ENTERTAINMENT – Dunno. Didn’t go! But we lost……….

TEAM: Wilson, Castledine, Scarborough, Palmer, Gonsalves, Akuamouah, Pitcher, Quinton, Honey, Watkins, Cornwall   SUBS : Fear, Rivers, Elliot

THE REFEREE’S……….probably shit. Who knows?!

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