Well Done, You Won One…

PRE-SEASON FRIENDLY

Att: N/A



BOBBINS – 3 [Webb 50.60. Williams 61]

SUTTON UNITED – 1 [Hanlan 45]

So to our penultimate fixture of what has proved to be a slightly….ahem!……’disappointing’ pre-season program. A meeting with the seemingly revitalised scummy tossers from up the road.

Oh goody.

With the U’s having managed to field a bare 11 for the past 2 matches against Banstead and Lewes, we knew we’d be heading for a tough time down at Coldsore. Especially now that sad, fat, grey old tosser Graham Roberts is in charge down there with a lovely big budget to chuck around. That coupled with the fact he doesn’t really like us means most of the travelling U’s fans were expecting the worst.

With this in mind, we hit the Windsor Castle pub, a short walk from their hovel. And got stuck into their rather good range of beer. Then, suitably non-sober for a U’s match, we stagger down to Coldsore for what promises to be a tough night!

A strange sight as we walk up the driveway at 7.20pm is that of as-yet-undecided-as-to-who-to-play-for- this-season, Dave Timothy in his Beemer. Hmmm. Bit late to be showing up if you’re playing innit Dave?

The U’s line up is to be honest, better than we expected. Ryan Palmer returns to give our ever so slightly inexperienced defence a boost. Also back is Scott Corbett in midfield and Danny Bolt remains in place. Unfortunately, there’s no Mark Watson up front and instead JR goes with the slightly experimental pairing of 35 year old Matt Hanlan and 18 year old Nick Bailey. Hmmmm, could’ve been worse I s’pose!

Another surprising thing tonite is the state of the bobbins pitch. It has grass! And it looks flat!

In fact probably the last time it was this green and flat was the day the War Memorial Ground was bloody opened for use back god knows when. Most likely back when Lewes’ Dripping Pan ground could have been classed as ‘state of the art’ no doubt…

The match itself kicks off at a frenetic pace, with the home side in no mood to fuck about. Some typical and of course expected “Get into ‘em early” tactics (c. Graham Roberts) with the Bobbins No11 bundling over Danny Bolt and then proceeding to clamber all over him! Twat.

The U’s take a few minutes to settle as the Scummers bomb forwards looking for an early goal. Their quick movement of the ball causes us problems and creates a fair few openings. In fact, they could have had the match won inside half an hour if it wasn’t for some piss poor finishing. With Darlington being the main culprit, 3 times he hits good chances wide and heads over twice from no more than 8 yards out.

In fact, despite all the pressure, Tommy Dunn’s only real save of the half comes from a fierce close range effort from Nigel Webb, that he spectacularly dives to his right to paw away one handed.

The U’s midfield is working hard and doing it’s best to win balls so the busy Bolt can feed our front two. It’s from the U’s no7 that we have our best moments. First he forces Searle to grab at full stretch with one effort from outside the box and then scuffs one effort wide when he tries to cheekily catch the ‘keeper out at the near post following a good run.

With half-time approaching, the display has been certainly more heartening than most of the other pre-season games so far. Then the lads produce our best bit of play to give us a slightly unexpected lead, send us into halftime with a smile on our faces and Belly into the bar to take the piss out of his Scummer supporting mates (You really must choose your social circle better Mr Bell!).

A Danny Bolt plays the ball into the path of Corbett who races down the left (quickest we’ve seen him move in yonks!) with a defender in tow. He looks up and plays the ball inside to the supporting Bolt who takes a touch, spins back behind the defender and lays the ball onto the penalty spot for Matt Hanlan. The old boy takes his touch, rolls off the defender and slips the ball through the legs of the porky Searle and puts the U’s 1-0 up.

Moments later the whistle signals half time and for a change, we’re in front in a derby game at Coldsore having had little of the play. Normally it’s the other way round! We play those tossers off the park and still go in 1-0 down. Still, we’re not complaining too much!

The second half see’s the U’s run out with Dave Timothy replacing Matt Gray down the right. And we encounter former U’s favourite, Mark Costello, who has frankly lost his fucking mind and sided with the scummy horrible ones, wandering round with his half-time cup of tea. Having kicked him viciously in the shins, poked him in the eye and pinned a “kick me I’m a Scummer” note on his back, we wish him well and send him on his way to his spot on the bench, promising him a warm welcome when he comes on.

Us?? Bitter?? Naaaaah!

Again the Scummers are quick out of the blocks and within 5 minutes, some sluggish defending lets them back into the game. The left back allows the Bobbins player to run on and pull a ball back from the byeline. Nigel Webb doesn’t miss this time at the near post and sweeps the ball high into the net from around 7-8 yards.

The U’s now go through their now customary “We’ve conceded, so lets run around like headless chickens for 10 minutes or so” phase. With their tails up, the garden birdies go looking for more. Within 10 minutes, we gift the also very customary soft arsed goal. A free kick on the U’s left finds Gary Elliot at the back post and he heads back across goal and the not particularly tall Webb outjumps 2 U’s defenders to nod the ball past the recovering Dunn and in off the underside of the bar.

Almost certainly ‘Rats Cocks’. If not a definate ‘Flaming Fuckcakes’.

Now completely all over the shop, the twattish No11 is allowed to recieve the ball in acres of space outside the box and thump a 25 yarder low past Dunn a tadge over 60 seconds later. Slagfucknuts.

Sutton manage to weather the storm as the bobbins go looking for more, but we again steady the ship as the sadfatgreyoldman on the Scummers bench decides its substitutes time. With one certain turncoat ex-Sutton hero getting roundly booed by the gang behind the goal!

Danny Bolt tries some free-kick trickery from the edge of the box, but he scuffs his attempt to catch out Searle at his near post and the ‘keeper makes a save.

With the Bobbins now more interested in getting forwards, they leave a few gaps at the back. And another very nice Sutton move almost brings a second goal. Nick Bailey caps a hard working performance with a strong run from deep before laying off to Danny Bolt who immediately looks up and plays the ball in behind the Scummers defence to Matt Hanlan who has peeled off his marker.

Searle races off his line to try and cut out the danger, but Matt is there first and dinks the ball over his portly frame and towards goal. But some scummer has obviously stood in a big ol’ pile of doggy doodoo to night as the ball pings off the base of the far post and bobbles along the goal-line before Nick Bailey fails to touch it over the line and the recovering Searle bundles it out for a corner.

The only further incident is a re-run of the above, but with Nick Bailey getting in behind the defence. He also tries to lift the ball over Searle, but this time his fat arse gets in the way and deflects it wide. Sadly his challenge is little short of fucking disgraceful and he leaves Bailey writhing in agony having put his big fat trotters into his midriff. You always were a complete cock Mr Searle.

So, we amble out of the Bobbins little hovel and pubwards with the expected defeat, but at least tonight, we looked remotely interested. Who knows, once Mison, Drew and Gonsalves are back we might even finish mid-table again!

Woo Hoo! I’ll drink to that.

MAN OF THE MATCH : Paul Honey. Ran his arse off and covered Corbett well.

TEAM : Dunn, Hollands, Shannon, Beale, R Palmer, Honey, Bolt, Corbett, Gray, Hanlan, Bailey. SUBS : Timothy, Moger

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