RYMAN PREMIER DIVISION
BOBBINS – 0
SUTTON UNITED – 1 [Thompson 30]
Well, here it is. The big one. The game that muggins here always seems to have to travel approx 200 miles to witness, only to usually see an pretty crap game of ‘football’.
Was this year to be any different? With the Scummers having lost 10 in a row? Was it buggery. Another piss poor derby, with neither side really giving two arses about the result. Still, that’s what you get for extensively mixing players & managers.
The Bobbins were on a losing streak that shames most of their relegation deserving efforts of recent years! 1 win in 16 games, 12 of those being defeats and that’s coupled with 9 straight defeats in the league. Add to this the recent sacking of Manager Tony Rains and all is not well in Scummersville. In fact, things are so bad, that even the normally optimistic Bobbins fans have been predicting a bit of a spanking today. Great, that’ll be a draw then.
My main worry was the lack of a cutting edge up front. Only Bolt has been showing any sort of form in front of goal. Ho Hum, we’ll see.
The side is much as it has been for recent games. Basically ‘cos we’ve got no bugger else to play. The Scummers sadly leave out Darren Brodrick, thus denying us at least some entertainment and about 40 square miles of pitch for Bolt to play with. Arse.
We get off to our normal flying start, putting the Bobbins onto the back foot from the off. As early as the first minute, ‘keeper Osbourne is fumbling a routine catch under pressure from Thompson and the ball drops to Brooker. Rather that take a dig and probably scoring, he tries to work some space for himself and the shot is blocked on the line. For the next 5 minutes,the home side are hacking the ball desperately clear from their penalty area and off the line. No less than 2 more efforts are blocked on the goal-line.
Then a long injury to a Scummer upsets our rythm and we slot into our more familiar ‘crimbo stroll’ mode of play. IE : We allow the bastards to settle and try to play their game.
The home side’s customary direct approach gets little joy from our back four and we use the wayward passes & crosses to set up our own counter attacks. Sadly for us, most are channelled through Paul Harford, who seems to have been on the Sherry a bit as when he does’nt give the ball away, he concedes a free kick. We also seem to be completely ignoring our wide players, Ekoku & Brooker, who had done ok in the early exchanges, for Scummer-esque hoofs down the middle. These fail quite a lot.
Finally we make the deserved breakthrough after about 30 minutes. A neat 1-2 between Bolt and Ekoku sends Bolty clear down the left. He delivers a wonderfully flighted ball onto the penalty spot and Richard Thompson dives in to glance the ball beyond Osboune’s right hand. This indicates the usual 3-1 supporter ratio in our favour as a bit of a roar goes up. Woo fucking Hoo. About bloody time you tossers. Now go get another five!!!
But try as we might, we just can’t hit the target to save our lives. Thompson has a curling effort touched wide by the ‘keeper and a couple of Harford long range strikes are just wide of the mark. One effort is blocked right on the line at the far post right on the half time whistle. So, we go in 1 up at the break, mindful of our lot’s ability to piss away single goal advantages to piss poor teams. And the Bobbins ARE piss poor. I have to say, they really are the poorest and most disorganised Scummer side I’ve ever seen. And we’ve seen some bad ones over the last few years!
The second half is actually twice as bad as the first. We create a couple of openings early on, but fail to capitalise. One thing that is clearly evident is the distinct lack of urgency from the U’s. We’re simply giving our rivals far too much room and I can’t help but think that if they were any good, they’d be taking advantage of this fact.
We’re gifted an opportunity to kill the game after about an hour when a low Nko cross catches the hand of Neil Robson. It’s so crap we only manage a token shout for a penalty, but the ref decides we’re right and gives it! A touch harsh, even if it is against them! I want to say “Bolty does’nt miss these” but I don’t in case he does. Natrually, he does miss it. His strike lacks it’s normal crisp, low approach and Osbourne goes to his right to save. Fuck. That’ll really give this pile of cack some belief now. Nice one lads.
That’s exactly what it does. With the Bobbins pushing their midfield up onto our back four, we start to struggle. Now, most other sides would just play it simple and murder ‘em on the break. But with our complete lack of movement and dare I say it, interest, our few forward forays are either offside or badly wasted. Meanwhile, the Scummers construe to miss some good chances, including the worst shot we’ve seen in years. Yep, even worse than one of Watson’s…….
Twice our previously unflappable defence opens up to allow runs on Howells goal. One is dragged wide of the far post and the other is the aformentioned ‘shot’. Their No3 bursts clear of 2 YES TWO! tackles and with the goal at his mercy from no more that 10 yards and only Gareth to beat, blazes a quite awful effort a good 20 yards over the bar. We’re just too amazed by the awfulness of it to even take the piss!
Corner after corner causes a few awkward moments amongst the Choc n Amber throng, but most are cleared or held by Gareth.
So after suffering 20 minutes of toilet footy, we near the end, desperately awaiting the final whistle. We just want our points so we can fuck off to the pub! One final breakaway is launched by the U’s as Danny Bolt races after a ball over the top. With no scummers in sight, he collects the ball, cuts in and just as we’re expecting him to curl a shot into the far corner, he squares it for the onrushing Sears. Who promptly scuffs what is a simple, little league tap in straight at the ‘keeper. Tosser. The ref then blows for full time and Crimbo gains a happier if slightly unsatisfactory edge for the nicer end of the Borough.
We then depart for the Windsor Castle and partake in a couple of pints of their finest scrunge.
Highlight of the day really, besides the 3 points that is.
MAN OF THE MATCH : What? Most of ‘em looked like they’d just come out of the bar.
ENTERTAINMENT : 5. For the points we got. Crap game, but we beat them. That’ll do……
TEAM : Howells, Hammonds, Palmer, Horner, Brooker, Ekoku, Bolt, Harford, Harlow, Thompson, Boothe SUBS : Panter, Kelly, Sears.