RYMAN PREMIER DIVISION
Sutton United – 3 [Winston 21, Harford 47, Akrour 67]
BOBBINS!! – 0
GET IN THERE!! Cop that you scummy common garden birdie filth.
Why don’t you migrate to the warmer and friendlier climes of the Ryman First Division like all the other birdie based crap eh? Ahem! Sorry folks, gloating over. Oh, actually, hang on, here comes another bit….
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA you almost, yet should already be, relegated shite! Um, yeah, sorry about that readers. I’m afraid it’s a force of habit. And besides, it’s best to get it out of my system early in the report…….
Alright boys ‘n’ girls, lets stop with the childish sniggering and get on with reporting the facts……(HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!)
The ‘Bobbins’ (nope, not a spelling mistake) came to face their Nemesis off the back of 2 straight defeats and the resignation of their latest chairman (HAHAHAHAHAHAHA……oooopd……there I go again!) and our mighty heroes were on an equally impressive run of form having lost and drawn our last two.
We meet up in the boozer for around half one to try & swallow as much beer as poss before we head for GGL. Our arrival presents a bit of a nightmare………Andy Pape replaces Howells in goal, Riley returns into a 5 man (Yes, FIVE!) defence (errr, we are at HOME you know JR!) and Mark Watson is relegated to the bench in place of Sammy Winston (well, ok, we’re not too gutted about the last swop). But the news of Pape in goal is too much and we struggle to avoid soiling our underwear at the prospect. Bob decides this is a good time to depart to the bog and confront his own grief in private…..
The game starts and instantly, the U’s are all over their neighbours. Apparently the Scummers gave our lads a load of crap after the meeting at Shitsville Stadium, so the boys are well up for this one. Bloody right an’all! After that Crimbo display, they’d poxy well better be……Four times in the opening minutes our lads break clear of the piss poor Robins rearguard, only to be denied by an awful final touch or a desperate final challenge by a maroon clad defender. But, fear not, the breakthrough comes in suitably crap fashion after about 20 minuets of frustration.
An awful (and I do mean AWFUL…..) clearance by the visiting ‘keeper falls to Naz around 20 yards out. He races into the box and then squares the ball to the so-far impressive debut boy, Sammy Winston. With no bugger to stop him, he bobbles the ball into the net from 10 yards out and we go suitably wild. Hey, it’s not a great goal, but we don’t give a toss. We’re now 1-0 up against THEM!! Other chances arrive, but again are frustratingly aren’t converted and the Scummers go in at half time glad to be only that single goal behind (Glad??? Bloody grateful more like……)
The second half continues much as the first, with our less than wonderful visitors struggling to contain our championship chasing boys. It only takes a couple of minutes to knock one of the nails further into the Robins relegation coffin. I dissapear to the bog for a leak (the oldest trick in the book when yer side needs a goal!) and my personal relief at the urinal is greeted by a huge cheer. Sadly, this is not for own ‘aiming’ skills, but for the U’s second goal (hurrah!)……..Apparently a throw is flickedon to the far corner of the penalty box, where Paul Harford recieves and lashes a 20 yard half volley into the bottom far corner.
Niiiiiiiicccce!!! My return to the terrace is greeted with loud requests to return to the bogs. I respond in the required manner……..“Bollocks!”
2-0 luverly jubley!! I just hope that more goals are forthcoming seeing as I missed the last one.
The Scummers start to throw everything they’ve got at us (and believe me, it ain’t much!!) in the vain attempt to get back in to the game. Thier rather poor efforts go unrewarded and it’s only a matter of time before the rather better footballing half of the borough adds to it’s tally. It eventually comes from another fierce Paul Harford drive that the Scummer ‘keeper fails to gather and Naz races onto the loose ball to hammer home number 3, sending us apeshit again. What support our wonderfully fluffy neighbours have actually brought to the borough’s best football ground, starts heading for the exits. (Hmmmm…..last time that was seen?? Oh…..Surrey Senior Cup Final at Woking I do believe!)
Bye bye common gaden birdie peeps! And don’t come back!
The rest of the game is played out at practice match pace as our visitors try desperatey to salvage a goal for their cause and fail miserably, while we break at lesuire, looking for a fourth.
The final whistle sparks much happiness in the Amber half of the borough, but maybe not quite as much as the announcement that Aylesbury have lost 1-0 at Chesham. So the boys crush our local rivals without breaking sweat and regain top spot, lept warm by the Ducks, after only 48 hours.
Much loud piss taking can be heard from our lads in the direction of the visitors dressing room as we wait to shuffle down the tunnel, closely follwed by the whoops of delight as JR breaks the news of Aylesbury’s failure. This naturally sends us to the bar with even bigger smug satisfied grins on our boat races……
We then retire to the Fielder to drink much beer and gloat over our top-of-the-table type position and (laugh at!) the Robins own position. Which has a distinct second-from-bottom-relegation-threatened -shite kinda vibe to it.
See you at Imber Court on the 3rd of May you Red Breasted losers you! (Chortle!)
MAN OF THE MATCH – Sammy Winston. Welcome to GGL stocky bloke!
ENTERTAINMENT : 10. Bollocks to it. 3-0 against that load of crap is ALWAYS entertaining!
MINDLESS GLOAT : (All together now…) HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Going down going down going down……