Let’s Play ‘Who The Fuck Is That?’…


Att: N/A


SUTTON UNITED – 4    [OG 13. Gray p59. Kennedy 75. Vansittart p78. ]

This was a game that as soon as we arrived, we just KNEW was going to be one of those poxy games played on a pitch that the likes of Chalmers & I frequent on a Sunday morning and involving god knows how many players that not even our own officials have a clue who they are or where they have come from.

Just to cheer us up, we find that Saturdays game at Staines is off (their pitch isn’t ready apparently), as is Tuesday’s visit to Dulwich (they double booked us with Barnet, the bell ends). But Dulwich might be re-arranged and is a possibility for next Thursday.

Oh be still my beating heart.

Great. We’ve hardly got a team left and needing every game we can get, every bastard is cancelling on us.  Suffice to say, there wasn’t much to write home about tonigh, but here’s the basic details….

1-0. 13 minutes (or so!) : Andrew Martin turns on the edge of the box and has a pop, only for his shot to cannon off the back of a defender and loop over the keeper into the net. A definate OG despite our new Welsh signings protestations to the bench that it was “going into the top corner anyway”.

48 minutes : A Banstead forward gets some good fortune when a clearance rebounds into his path. Only 8 yards out with the ‘keeper to beat, he screws his shot as horribly and as embarrassingly wide as is possible. In fact, had I personally missed such a sitter, I’d have been asking to be subbed immediately.

2-0. 59 minutes : Chris Nurse battles into the box on the left and is upended. The ref awards a penalty and despite the complaints of the Banstead players that it was outside rather than inside the box (a claim somewhat backed up by the linesman on that side!) the ref decides he’s made a spiffing decision. We do too when Matt Gray fires home the spot kick.

3-0. 75 minutes : Best goal of the night. Paul Honey swings the ball from left to right for Matt Gray who immediately switches the ball inside for the unmarked David Kennedy (last seen being a bit unimpressive against Horley) to control, turn and rifle a rather cracking shot past the ‘keeper.

4-0. 78 minutes : Ball to the edge of the box, Joff turns and is immediately tripped just inside the 18 yard box. The big man himself steps up to take it (Matt Gray obviously bored by it all by now) and thumps it down the middle.

85 minutes : An oriental looking midfielder called ‘Tak’ by the other players (and allegedly named ‘Takurata Uhm’ by a certain other U’s fan. He was lying of course, the twat!) battles his way past 2 challenges on the left, before swinging a great cross to the far side of the box, where Gray meets it with a blistering volley that Jamie Ribolla in the Banstead goal does very very well to keep out.

Apart from this, not much else happened. The only other remotely entertaining moment was the gobby Banstead no2, who had been seriously getting on our tits with his constant whinging & moaning, getting taken out at almost head height by Eddie Akuamouah and being immediately substituted. Hopefully minus his grossly over-used voicebox. Twat.

Well, what can we say we learned from tonight??

Well, there’s still no sign of any defence. At all. That there’s still some players in the northern hemisphere yet to try out for us this pre-season and that this summer really can get worse….

So, are we having fun yet??

TEAM : Christ Knows!! All the following were involved at some point!! Julian Wedontknowwho, Darren Fuckknows, Jesper Neilsen, Scott Corbett, erm wotsisface, Lewis Gonsalves, Matt Gray, Paul Honey, Eddie Akuamouah, Some bloke called ‘Thommo’, Andrew Martin, Ronnie Green, ‘Tak’??, Chris Nurse, Joff Vansittart, Kenny David and many many more in a cast of thousands.

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