The No Solid Crew

RYMAN PREMIER DIVISION

Att: 513



SUTTON UNITED – 2    [Gray 33. Collins 64]

FORD UNITED – 3     [Perkins 38. Poole 66. Edwards 80]

After the pleasing result of monday & the continuation of the unbeaten run, it was back home & a meeting with Ford United. A side we met early last season and gave a lesson in finishing.

Today, different lessons would be learned.

Still, the main item of interest leading up to this game was Ford’s recent signing of a popular music personality. Some bloke called ‘MC Harvey’, who is apparently a member of the rather notorious (well, according to the Sun at least) ‘Garage’ group ‘The So Solid Crew’. No, I have no idea exactly what ‘Garage’ is either, but I do know that it’s some form of ‘dance’ music. Thus making it no doubt both repetitive and shit in my book.

Still, from what I understand, this particular ‘band’ has about 2000 members. So even if a few of his mates pop down to GGL for the game today, they could quite easily double our crowd. Best get some extra tea bags and burgers in at the Food bar then. Just in case.

Also, ever the genial hosts and keen to make our guest MC (May we call you MC, Mr Harvey?) feel more at ease on his brief stay, the lads dust off their Kangol hats, polish up their ‘Bling Bling’ and semi-automatic handguns, pull on the baggy trousers and fire up the Audi TT’s especially for today.

Another Saturday home match and yet another nightmare journey into Sutton for yours truly as once more, the 407 route goes AWOL. Arriving so late at the Hood that the rest of the gang have already fucked off! Which means the quiet pre-match pint(s) I’d planned becomes a lightning fast chuck-down-the-neck, so determined am I not to watch a second consecutive home match completely sober. Little do I realise just how glad I’d be for that decision in about an hour and a half!

I manage to dash into the ground in time for kick-off and note that we’ve made no changes to our line up from Monday. The only additions being Hamlin & Danny Brooker on the bench.

Things are slow to get going and it’s not until 10 minutes in I’m scribbling my first notes. Bolt makes good run from midfield before rifling a low shot goalwards that the ‘keeper manages to get a hand to and keep out. Danny is in action a few minutes later, swinging in an evil free-kick from the right that flashes across goal and norrowly wide of the far post.

Ford, looking a tad better than on their last visit, make their first real contribution around 15 minutes in. Gonsalves plays a rather dodgy header back to Iga, but the defenders blushes are spared by a frankly awful finish that clears the Securicor terrace by some margin. But, the visitors keep up their efforts and win a fair few corners, but fail to capitalise.

Iga is in the doo-doo again after 21 minutes when he comes for a high ball across the box, gets nowhere near it and can only look on as the Ford attacker hooks the ball over him and his crossbar. Sutton piece together a lovely quick move on 24 minutes, involving Watson, Gray and finally Bolt who sweeps the ball towards the far post from the right, where Nick Bailey is charging in. Nick controls well, turns inside his marker before scuffing a dissapointing shot straight at the ‘keeper.

Where’s Lance Key when you need him eh?

Bolty is in missile range a couple of minutes later after Gray is felled. His initial effort thumps into the wall, but the ball comes striaght back to him and this time he stings the hands of the visiting ‘keeper with a thundering drive. Gray’s follow up header lacking the power to find the net.

With honours fairly even and Ford still troubling from their corner rate of about 2 per minute, the U’s scramble ahead just past the half hour.

Bailey swings in a free-kick from the left that evades everyone except Palmer beyond the far post. He manages to pull the ball back across goal, just a couple of yards out from the line. Amazingly, three U’s all queueing up all fail to get a decent contact and the ball somehow hits the keeper, currently sprawled out on the goal-line. The ball then drops to a defender who looks certain to make a clearance. But he makes a right pigs ear of it and Matt Gray gleefully snaps up the loose ball and thrashes it into the roof of the net. Hurrah! A first half goal!

But, as with Monday, we’ve soon fucked it up.

No more than 3-4 minutes later, another corner is conceded at the other end. Out on our right. After a somewhat daft delay whilst the ref and a Ford bloke piss about with a wonky corner flag, the kick comes in, is flicked on at the near post and crashed past Iga on the volley at the back post.

*slapsforehead* Oooops!

As per normal, the oppo goal chucks us into complete chaos for a couple of minutes and within 60 seconds of the equaliser, Palmer wins the chase for a long ball through. But rather than play it simple and twat it as far as he can, dithers and is robbed of the ball. With Iga a little out of position we prepare obscenities for a seemingly certain goal as the ball is pulled back across the area to an apparently unmarked Ford attacker. Thankfully Gonsalves digs his colleague out of the shit with a last ditch block on the shot.

The last real opportunity of the half falls to Rob Collins, who latches onto a ball out to the left channel and skipping one rather agricultural challenge, draws out the ‘keeper and chips the ball goalwards, only to see it drop the wrong side of the far upright. Arse!

At the break, we pop round to the bar for the usual half-time results gathering mission. Where I find Oldham aren’t losing, which is a bonus.

Back outside for the 2nd half, as I queue for some munchies, Bolt breaks down the left seemingly offside and delievrs a low cross in which finds Bailey. He steadies himself and takes his shot, but the ‘keeper has closed down the angle well and makes a good block. Bolty is soon troubling the visitors goal not too long after, with another of his free-kicks. This time, the Ford no2 pops up in the boox and deflects another fierce effort wide of the post.

But these prove to be brief flashes amongst a second half largely controlled by the visitors. Mainly due to our own lack of drive. The midfield that has been so vibrant recently struggles to assert control and we see only fleeting glimpses of Bailey & Corbett’s involvement. Bolt is largely anonymous and we all know when he’s having a quiet game, there’s trouble.

Bust worst of all, our seemingly solid-up-until-now defence is showing some very worrying signs of not being very solid in the not too distant future.

A quick Ford break on 65 minutes catches us out and it takes a good one handed stop from Iga to keep out a low shot driven from right to left across his goal. Shortly after, an attack down the left side ends in a rising shot from 10 yards, though straight at Iga isn’t easy for him to hold. Sutton launch a an exact replica of this attack a couple of minutes later, with Bolt drawing a similar result from the visitors custodian.

With Sutton really struggling to make an impact in the second half, it’s a complete surprise when we regain the lead just after the hour! A huge clearance by Iga carries all the way to the Ford area. The ball is promptly twatted back to just inside the U’s half where Hodges meets it with a towernig header that carries over the retreating defence. Alert as ever, Collins is onto the chance in a flash and just beats the advancing ‘keeper to the ball, nodding it over him into the empty net.

WooHoo! Well, maybe that’ll wake out lot up!

Er, no actually……….it doesn’t. Well, only momentarily…..

The U’s win a corner almost immediately from the restart and Bolt pops it in from the right. It goes too far, but Patsy as ever is at the back post & knocks it back into the danger area where Watson controls, turns and pulls his shot well over the bar. Ah!

Aaaaaand cue chaos.

Just 4 minutes after going ahead, an innocuous long ball forwards is collected by Iga just outside the right hand side of his area. With a Ford attacker closing him down. Again, simplicity it seems, is not the order of the day here at GGL. Whereas just lumping the poxy thing into the Rec and averting any kind of danger would be the sensible thing, Andy tries to take thier man on & play his way out of trouble. And fails. He loses the ball to the Ford man, who takes a couple of moments to get it under proper control. Iga races back to his line, whilst matey slides the ball across the box. Another supporting attacker then guides the ball past the still-out-of-position Iga and into the bottom far corner.

I’ve said it before & I’ll say it again. Flamingfuckcakes.

Ah! Bet you all thought I was going to say ‘slagfucknuts’ didnt’t you?? Well if you stick around, you may be surprised.

Before we’ve managed to run out of expletives on the shoebox, the lads lose the plot completely. A deep cross from the right carries over the defence. Either one of Gonsalves or Iga could make a realistic claim to the ball, but neither does and some bloke nips in and knocks the ball over our ‘keeper to make it 3-2.

Slagfucknuts. Without question.

There then follows a very painful and frustrating last 20 minutes where we really fail to look like a side thats played together, let alone one that’s going to get an equaliser. Passing is woeful, the tackling lacks heart and the attcking threat is next to non-existent.

The only ‘chance’ we manage to coming even close to rescuing a point comes with about 10 minutes remaining. We manage to scramble a free-kick out on the right touchline. With Bolt now off the field, Bailey takes up the duty and swings the ball into the box. It’s nodded on and drops loose in the 6 yard box. Watson lunges in and flicks the ball goalwards, but the ‘keeper manages to react in time & divert the ball away from goal.

So we slip miserably to our first defeat of the season. Before legging it as quickly to the Hood as possible. GOD we need a drink after that!

The afternoon is made worse by the news that the Scummers have snatched a last second winner at Billericay, meaning the bastards stay top even longer…bollocks!

If there was ever a time to drink yourself stupid, this is it.

Barman! Another round if you please. And keep ‘em coming.

MAN OF THE MATCH : Rob Collins. Only player who really did anything.

ENTERTAINMENT : 4. Dreadful…….

TEAM – Iga, Gray, Hodges, Palmer, Gonsalves,

THE REFEREE’S………not really noticeable to be honest. Not much to do, except watch our lot go to ratshit like the rest of us!

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