Go West(field)…


Att: 161

SUTTON UNITED – 2  [Haworth 40. Akuamouah 79]


After 2 weeks of inaction (and boredom!) the U’s returned to action against Combined Counties side Westfield in the Surrey Senior Cup and with our last performance being that freaky 7-1 gubbing by Grays in the League Cup, we were looking forwards to a chance to regain some confidence by spanking a few past our lowly oppo tonight.

Well, that was the plan anyway.

Sadly, what we actually got was a rather unexciting, rusty grinding out of 90 minutes with few chances created and 1 or 2 edgy moments.

Pre-match bevvies in the Hood out of the way, we mooch down to GGL in hope of a bit of a goalfest. The U’s have made a couple of changes with Stuart Hammonds coming in for his first start since his busted leg and Corbett unavailable due to suspension. Still, shouldn’t harm us too much! Yeah right.

Things start unexcitingly with the U’s somewhat slow off the mark. And by slow, I mean sloooow. In fact to try and picture how slow we were to get into the game, imagine a herd of asthmatic tortoises stampeding through a field of jam. Got it? Well we were twice as slow as that.

The visitors take advantage of our ‘slow’ start to make a couple of raids forwards. Dunn coming off his line twice to hack clear overhit forward balls. For some reason, the U’s decide to try hitting balls of their own over the top rather than actually get the ball down and play. This means chances are few and far between and the match decends into a rather scrappy midfield tussle.

Our boredom turns to evil and we start following the progress of the Westfield no4, also their manager, who is about 16 stone & 5 foot tall. Another couple of inches taller and he’d have been perfectly round! What we like is his inability to run. Now I don’t mean he was slow (well, ok, he was. Refer to the ‘tortoise’ thing above) but he actually just couldn’t run! After a few minutes, we gave up trying to work out if this was down to his size, the fact he was about 80 or both.

The visitors create the first real opening from a deep free-kick. Dunn punches clear but the ball drops on the edge of the box and with our ‘keeper now a little on the stranded side, a Westfield midfielder fires goalwards. To our relief Hammonds pops up in the 6 yard box to head clear.

The U’s forwardline is struggling to make a serious impact in general, but show flashes of what they can really do. Wingfield delivers one wonderful looping cross onto the boot of Eddie, but he skews his volley wide. Rob Haworth wriggles free on the far corner of the box and sees his low effort bounce back off the base of the post. Mison then heads just over following a corner.

Westfield create another half-chance when a corner isn’t dealt with and a mad scramble ensues in the area. Thankfully, it’s twatted clear by a U’s defender.

One thing that we notice hasn’t changed is the ability of your average Surrey FA official. They’re still completely fucking useless. Our designated twat for the night upsets us by first completely ignoring Akuamouah getting clattered from behind well after the ball has gone and then Matt Gray suffering a bad challenge not 30 seconds later whilst delivering a cross. Again well after the ball has gone. Neither result in a free-kick and to make the second challenge worse, the linesman had a perfect unobstructed view from not 5 yards away.


Just as we start to wander round to the bar for half time muttering about not being able to break this lot down, we do! Haworth receives a pass just outside the box, goes past one defender, shrugs off the next and plants his shot past the ‘keeper and into the bottom near corner. Thank Christ for that.

Having watched a bit of Man U-Bolton in the bar, it’s back outside for more pulsating action.

But despite that goal before half time, things don’t really liven up. Westfield’s attacks are reduced to virtually nothing, but we just can’t help feeling nervous with just that 1-0 lead. Most attacks ending up in shots wide/over/straight at the ‘keeper.

Boredom sets in again and our evening is livened up by the appearance of a bloody great earthworm slithering from a crack in the terracing. (Us? Bored? Naaaaaah) After some debate, we decide to name him Jim.

Sadly, proceedings on the pitch are too much for our new subterranean pal and he buggers off back into his hole after about 5 minutes. Bloody good taste if you ask me. Any room for us in there??

Soon after, Akuamouah makes things a tadge more comfortable with a weaving run and shot past the ‘keeper to make it 2-0. The only other real chance we create is from a late free-kick which Timothy hits to the ‘keeper’s left, forcing a good 1 handed save.

We return to a packed pub for beer and the last 20 minutes of that Man U game before talk turns to all things porno.

Well, I s’pose if the footy’s pony, at least we can always rely on the intelligent, cultured debate over a pint or 6 afterwards…

MAN OF THE MATCH – ‘Jim’ the worm.

ENTERTAINMENT – 5. 2 for the match, 3 for the worm.

TEAM – Dunn, R Palmer, Hammonds, Gonsalves, Timothy, Gray, Honey, Mison, Wingfield, Haworth, Akuamouah  SUBS : Fowler

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