Tis The Season To Be Jolly

RYMAN PREMIER DIVISION

Att: 216



BOREHAM WOOD – 1  [Dixon 39]

SUTTON UNITED – 2  [Akuamouah 23. OG 57]

Merry Xmas and all that nice seasonal stuff. Sorry it’s a bit late, but some twat decided that a 12pm Kick Off on Boxing Day was a good idea.

Result? Match postponed, no match report & Taz doesn’t get to do the goodwill to all men (even Scummers) bit. Ho hum, better late than never eh? Besides, it’s the thought that counts and all that jazz at this time of yea anyway.

Ah, the joys of a trip up the Thameslink to Boreham Wood.

Not that it’s particularly difficult to get to, just that there’s fuck all to do (ie drink!) when you get there. So with this in mind, we decided to all meet up at a Wetherspoons in Farringdon. Part time supporter Belly decides to join the party and arrives with Bob at the boozer. Chalmers is meanwhile making a detour via Stamford Bridge to collect his mickey mouse cup semi-final ticket for the Tottenham game.

Sad bastard.

While we’re on the subject of sad bastards, muggins here has just completed a completely dry Xmas. Yep, not a drop since I got pissed up on Xmas Eve. Last time I get collared with chauffering duties over Crimbo. It’s a sodding nightmare. All that ‘relatives’ crap you have to do. Sober. Complete bollocks. Give me alcoholic stupor anytime.

We arrive in the beerless mecca that is Boreham Wood & Elstree and head for the one boozer it has that serves proper scrunge. Another Wetherspoons. One thing that strikes us as we stoll up the High Street. It’s cold. No, in fact it’s absolutely sodding freezing. And we think it’s going to rain.

Marvellous. Another pint later and we head for the ground, almost bumping into Chalmers as we leave. Bloody typical. Anything to get out of a round that boy.

The U’s include new signing Phil Wingfield in their line up with Jon Palmer being relieved of his spot and parking his arse on the bench instead. The other new man, Craig Brown is also a sub.

The 2 week break means the lads are a bit rusty and early on the home side make all the running. Then again, if you’d lost 5 on the spin, you would do! Despite all their early endeavour, ‘Wood’ fail to really create any serious scoring opportunities. Then after 15 minutes, the ref pulls up and plonks himself on the ground, crocked. Despite some attention from one of the physio’s, when he gets to his feet, it’s clear he’s not going to be able to carry on. We start demanding our resident qualified ref get round there and offer his services only to be told to bugger off as he was currently “smoking a fag”. Yeah, cheers Frakers. Your dedication has been noted!!

He eventually wanders round before coming back shortly afterwards declaring he’d been ‘gazumped’. Looks like his insistence at finishing his Silk Cut has cost him. Boreham Wood decide that’s it’s far too cold to be standing about doing fuck all and pop back in to the changing rooms. Our lot stay out and kick a ball about, giving us our best spell of football of the afternoon so far!

The bloke running the tannoy then decides to cheer us all up by sticking on his copy of “The most irritatingly shite rcords in the world……EVER! (Volume 6)”. Obviously a present from his senile great Aunt Maude. Yeah, cheers mate. ‘Mambo number 5’ is a bollocks record at the best of times, but when you’re slowly freezing your arse off, it adds a new meaning to ‘Slow painful death’. I’ll stick with the hypothermia if that’s ok with you.

After a break of 10 minutes, the chief lino takes over and another linesman is hauled from the crowd somewhere. We’re not too sure about this as the last time this happened we were at Marlow a few years back and the bloke turned out to be the most singularly biased fucking tosser ever. He’d have put some dads running the line in little league matches to shame.

The match resumes (and that poxy CD is thankfully turned off) with us a lot lot colder and the home team back on the offensive. But after just a few minutes of play, it’s our good selves who edge in front most definately against the run of play.

Rob Haworth siezes on a defenders hesitation, and robs him of the ball (no pun intended). He feeds a pass to Akuamouah on the edge of thebox. The little striker, zips back across the face of the area before swivelling and rifling a shot beyond Imber and in off the base of the far post. Touch!

This gets our lads going and we launch a few more assaults on the ‘Wood’ goal. Rob Haworth has one good run finished with a dreadful shot which almost hits the corner flag. A group of his friends & relatives stood to our left mock his effort and Chalmers comments “Don’t worry Rob, we won’t mention Geoff Thomas”. The big forward shoots a look back with a big grin on his face. Message recieved & understood methinks!

Sutton manage a couple of more threatening raids before the break. Mainly by playing balls over the top of the less than pacy ‘Wood’ defence for Haworth, Akuamouah and Wingfield to run onto. But sadly the final ball is either cut out or straight at the ‘keeper. Then with a couple of minutes to the end of the half, ‘Wood’ hit back & level the match.

A Sutton attack breaks down and a swift counter is launched. Two quick passes and with Gonsalves chasing back and the rest of the defence all over the shop, a cross is whipped over for Dixon to sweep home at the far post. Arse.

Can we go to the bar now? It’s bloody cold out here…

We reach the bar to be greeted by the big screen showing downhill skiing. Which really makes us feel a hell of a lot warmer.

We force ourselves out into the cold for the second half and try to warm up as much as poss by purchasing coffee’s and lacing them with Belly’s sneaky supply of brandy in his hip flask. Which helps. A bit!

Again, the home team take the game to Sutton, but it just leads to a big midfield scrap. All ‘Woods’ openings come from set pieces that Tommy Dunn handles superbly. One of the first Sutton attacks of the half produces another goal and put us back in front. New boy Wingfield has a run down the left and passes infield to Corbett. He plays the ball low into the box where it finds Haworth. His effort is blocked and the ball ricochets out to the right where Matt Gray lets fly from 20 yards. It seems to heading stright into Imber’s midriff when player/manager Lee Harvey sticks out a boot and deflects it inside the near post giving his ‘keeper absolutely no chance.

The U’s now have their best spell of the game, playing some nice football with Gray and Honey in particular showing some lovely footwork. Akuamouah has a couple of storming runs on goal, chasing balls over the top of the defence. First he cuts back in the box only to have his effort charged down, then he strips Harvey for pace and beats Imber to the ball, nicking it over his shoulder. It’s clearly rolling inside the far post for number 3 when an excellent last ditch effort by the ‘Wood’ No4 sees him toe prod the ball out for a corner from virtually on the line.

Soon after the game really takes off when Matt Gray flies past the Boreham Wood no11 and is chopped down. Already on a yellow card, chances are, matey is on his way. Matty knows this and gives him a little wave goodbye! Strangely, Mr no11 is upset at this seasonal gesture and has a swing at the young forward. A melee then breaks out, after which, that second yellow turns into a straight red for the no11 and the no3 is carded for his part in the scrap. Matt’s little wave also earns him a yellow card.

Oh bollocks. 10 men again. This is where it normally goes tits up, big style.

Less than 2 minutes later, the just booked no3 challenegs Corbett for a header, sticking his arm in the midfielders face. Scott isn’t too pleased at this and kicks out in retaliation. Another big bundle breaks out. Amazingly, both players escape any kind of punishment with the ref just calling the 2 skippers together and asking for calm.

The game resumes and the home team try to pull back the goal. They go close on a couple of occasions, firing a free-kick straight at Dunn and one shot that evades the ‘keeper but also the far post. Sutton meanwhile make use of the gaps appearing to try and finish their oppo off. Haworth has a shot blocked when a simple pass to an unmarked Matt Gray was probably the better option, AKuamouah goes on another run which ends with a disappointingly weak shot. Then, right on time, a wonderful exchange of passes in midfield sends Scott Corbett in on goal. He takes his time but puts his shot just a touch too close to the ‘keeper and he saves with his legs.

Moments later the final whistle goes and we leg it to the bar to get some scores and warm up. A quick beer back in the Wetherspoons and we head back home for more drinking. Lovely!

All that remains is for me to wish you all a very very pissed…..er……Happy New Year. And spare a thought for Billericay, they’ve got to travel round to us with their hangovers on Tuesday.

Poor bastards.

MAN OF THE MATCH :  Eddie Akuamouah. Ran all day.

ENTERTAINMENT : 6. A rusty performance in an incident packed game.

TEAM : Dunn, R Palmer, Mison, Gonsalves, Timothy, Honey, Wingfield, Corbett, Gray, Akuamouah, Haworth SUBS : Fowler, J Palmer, Brown

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