When Does Next Season Start??


Att: 180

WHYTELEAFE – 2  [Unknown 55.78]


Before I get to the report, I’d just like to point out to certain people that it’s getting really fucking tedious writing about the same shit game after game. When are you tossers going to give me something REMOTELY interesting to write about??

A bloody WIN would be nice, fat chance of that though. So how about a game where we actually play consistently well for 90 minutes? Nooo, not 45 minutes. Or 60. NINETY. Got that?? I doubt it.

Well, at least we’re consistent. The U’s crashed to the fifth successive defeat at Church Road tonight in the Surrey Cup, effectively ending our season. What’s that?? There’s still a decent league position to play for?? HAHAHAHAHA! That’s a good one! If they haven’t managed to sort the poxy team out by sodding February, then it ain’t gonna happen. In fact, I’m deadly serious when I say we’re SO lucky we grabbed a couple of dodgy wins earlier on this season, or we’d be well in the shit and staring at another relegation dogfight.

I knew things were going too well when both my trains arrived on the dot and there was even a tram waiting to transport me between West & East Croydon stations. I even had time for a quick bite to eat! Yep, definately gonna be a dodgy night.

Arriving at Whyteleafe just before kick-off, the tannoy blokie announces a pretty unchanged U’s line up. Mainly ‘cos there’s no bugger else available to play. 2 new blokes are on the bench though, presumably reserves.  The Whyteleafe line up contains a few familiar faces. Nigel Golley is at the back along with Phil ‘the Chainsaw’ Dawson. Steve Lunn is up front & Massey is on the bench. Oh for a couple of them at their prime in an Amber shirt tonight!

The game starts and is played at quite a frantic pace. Both sides trying to play rapid attacking footy, but not quite pulling it off. The home side look dangerous going forwards, but after some early pressure, we get into the game and control proceedings slightly. We’re forced into an early change when home striker Nwanze jumps into Horner, leading with his elbow. Our defender is forced off with his face smashed in, we get a free kick and Mr Nwanze gets away scott fucking free. Typical bloody Surrey FA officials. Would’nt know their arse from their elbow even if you labelled ‘em. At the very LEAST, their man should have got a caution. But we’ll come back to the rash Nwanze later on.

Bolt replaces Horner, but it does’nt upset our rythm too much and we start to exert periods of decent pressure on our hosts. Unfortunately for us, some tigerish defending, bad finishing, bad luck and there being a vowel in the month, we can’t make a breakthrough. Whitmarsh has two decent close range efforts blocked by committed defence, whilst Rob Haworth works his nuts off again. Sadly, when he does get into a promising position, no bastard has bothered to support him and all his work is wasted. One Haworth run on goal is ended when he’s blatantly bundled over in the box by their No5. Penalty surely! Er, well actually, no! With a Surrey FA ref? Hahahaha! More chance of Myra Hindley starting a creche. Our clearest chance of the half falls to Aaron Smith, who after some good work between Williams and Whitmarsh, heads just over from 10 yards out. The home team go close on a couple of occasions, but on possession and pressure, I reckon we probably just shaded the half.

Walking round at the break, we’re mildly pleased with the fare on offer. A half decent end-to-end cup tie. Hopefully it’ll continue. Yeah right! If you’re a U’s fan, stop reading after the next paragraph. There ain’t a lot more there to interest you. If you’re a ‘Leafe fan, read on!! Whilst drinking my half time cuppa I’m told that Horner has at least a broken nose and a suspected broken cheekbone. Cheers Mr Nwanze you twat. Oh and Mr Hayes, the referee, you blind incompetent twat.

The U’s best chance of the match comes just a minute or so after the break. Some half decent passing and Bolty gets free in the box. Taking a touch all he has to do is beat the ‘keeper. He does’nt. From all of 6 yards, he tries to finish with some soft arsed faggoty curling effort rather than just drill it into the bottom corner (Just like any striker playing against us would do!) and the ‘keeper palms it away for a corner. It proves very costly as a few minutes later, Whyteleafe are in front.

As we’ve seen a hundred times already this season, a Sutton attack breaks down and the opposition launch a quick counter. (I TOLD you Sutton lot there was’nt owt in here you had’nt seen already!) Our defence backs off until from the edge of the box, the home player fires in a fierce low drive. Gareth does well to get down and save the shot, but another ‘Leafe striker in yards of space (as most oppo players generally are in our box) pounces and tucks away the rebound. Rats cocks.

Hear that? The gurgling sound? That’s our season going down the bloody plughole that is.

The goal completely kills us off. The home players raise their game another gear and start snapping into tackles, chasing every ball and just generally ‘try’. Sutton? Well, with the added pressure in the middle of the park, our midfield disappears quicker than a stereo from an unlocked car in Liverpool. It’s then I notice WHY Harlow’s passing is SO crap. He just can’t wait to get rid of the ball. Whenever an oppo player gets within 5 yards, looking to make a tackle, he offloads it ANYWHERE! Cheers Dave.

Haworth gets thru a couple of times, but both times the ball won’t sit for him and last ditch tackles deny the chance of a shot. The ref then decides to book our mate Nwanze for a tackle that would have had some sunday players commenting on its clumsiness. Great. Cheers Mr Hayes, he should heading inside to make sure the hot water’s on for the showers.

Whyteleafe put the game beyond us with another break out. Again the back four retreats, does’nt attempt a challenge and a speculative drive from a tight angle 20 yards out on our right flies accross Howells and into the bottom far corner.

Game Over.

Moments later and that bloke Nwanze is getting away with murder again. After conceding another free-kick, he deliberately obstructs Bolt from taking the kick. The ref decides a talking to is all that’s required. Tosser.

We huff and puff away, but since the first goal, we’ve reverted to pumping the ball as far forwards as we possibly can. And as any Sutton fan is aware (those of you still reading, despite my warning!) we’re 10 times more shit than normal when doing this. So, all the home defenders and Golley in particular do, is just head the ball away. Imaginative tactics never were our strongpoint.

A lot more aimless hoofs follow before the ref finally gets a serious decision right. Baker and Nwanze both chase after a loose ball. Both having to cover around 20 yards to get there. Baker wins the race, toes the ball in front of him, only for our mate Nwanze to completely seal the 2001 ‘most useless tackler of the year’ award by clattering into the U’s player. It’s such a shit challenge that the ref does’nt even bother with a second yellow & produces a straight red. Why did’nt you do that after 10 minutes you wanker???

So, our season is all but over. To be honest, I really can’t see where our next point is coming from, let alone our next win. The appalling form we’re on at the mo should see us finish comfortably rooted in the bottom half.

Great. Dunno about you, but I can’t wait till August. The footy season starts.

MAN OF THE MATCH : You are kidding me??

ENTERTAINMENT : 6 for the first half. What second half?????

TEAM : Howells, Boothe, Horner, Palmer, Baker, Harlow, Williams, Smith, Haworth, Whitmarsh, Ekoku  SUBS : Bolt, Gray, McCormack, Seal, Howard

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