About Bloody Time!

NATIONWIDE CONFERENCE

Att: 805



Sutton United – 3   [Watson 25,60  Dack 75]

Altrincham – 0

Well. It had to happen eventually didn’t it. Law of averages, stopped clock right twice a day. All that stuff.  The U’s have been in illustrious company recently. Only Newcastle United, Sheffield Wednesday, Oldham Athletic and some one else (I forget who!) were the only other sides in the top 5 divisions without a win before today.

I’m happy to say that both Oldham and the Mighty U’s reduced it to a Premiership only members club as of 4.45 this afternoon. The U’s recording their first win of the campaign against their fellow ‘new boys’ Altrincham, who had won somehow won their last 3 on the trot, including a defeat of Doncaster, before this one. Nope, no fucking idea what went on there. Congregating on the Shoebox, news reaches us that Alty had perhaps been somewhat ‘jammy’ in their defeat of the Pre-Season championship favorites. Who gives a fuck really, they got the result. And two othes! Still, maybe we could do the same today, get some jam. Mmmm, jam.

Despite our lowly status, the boys set the early pace with Mark Watson finding himself 1 on 1 with the ‘keeper early on, only to see his chip drift agonisingly wide of the far upright. Cows arses are mentioned in conversation around me, but the two events are of course unrelated. Soon after, a corner finds Sammy Winston at the back post and his flick somehow clears the bar from about 2 yards out. At this point, we look skywards, mutter something rude and await the inevitable shitty goal against us that will largely signal the end of our participation in the game. But it doesn’t happen. In fact, a Winston burst into the box is ended by a rather clumsy challenge. ‘PENALTY’ we shout, but of course the ref waves play on. We check the proggie for the answer to the usual “Which town 5 miles down the road from the oppo is he from then?”question. Billingshurst is the answer. But it seems he was born in Cheshire. AH!!! We’ve got you bang to rights you northern bastard!

Just when we start to think that all the chances would go begging, a Richard Skelly cross into the box smacks Mark Watson in the chest. A startled Watson goes to follow up on this opportunity but then he stops dead. The reason? The ball nestling into the corner of the net. WOW! We’ve scored!! It’s absolute bottom of the barrel shite, but we don’t particularly care at this point. It’s in the fucking net, it counts, so fwe’re having it and loving it like it was our first born and he’s made of gold. The so far fairly noisy away fans shut up at this point. Confidence restored by the ugliest goal in history, we keep pushing, with only the occasional Alty break to cause us concern. As normal Sammy’s pace is causing concern to the oppo.  His best moment just before half time being a swift turn and shot from the edge of the box that has the ‘keeper full stretch and drifts just a fraction wide.

Half time. And we’ve not only scored (sort of) but we’re winning. A nice feeling. And according to the tannoy both Welling and FGR are drawing, which means that if the results stay as they are, some other poor bastards will be propping up the Conference instead of us later today. Excellent!!

Second half see’s Alty looking a bit more lively. Which isn’t saying much after their first half showing. A few anxious moments include a 1 on 1 with Howells that somehow goes wide and a free header from a corner that also gloriously misses the target. Relief for our now jangling nerves is supplied around the hour mark thankfully. The now customary Dack-Harlow corner combo comes up against only one defender for a change and it’s at this point the boys decide to mix it up a touch. Shockingly, Harlow takes the short pass from Dacky, drifts out slightly to open up the angle and delivers a perfectly flighted ball straight onto the head of Mark Watson. His glancing header is a bit more intended than his earlier effort, but the effect is the same and the ball hits the back of the net! At last! For the first time this season, we have breathing space between us and our opponents. A two goal lead. Us.

At this point, Alty look tired and as if their luck that had brought them 3 points against Donny has deserted them. Meanwhile Nko and Rowlands replace Sammy and Watson for the U’s. Jesus, we must be confident! It’s only a 2-0 lead lads and we’re bringing on other forwards!?  I reason I must have been run over by a bus on the way to the game and this is some sort of shit, ultimately disappointing non-league heaven. But this seems a little too real…

The visitors remaining resistance is ended with 15 minutes to go when Nko and Rowlands combine to send Dacky free into the box. He draws the ‘keeper and dinks the ball over him and into the back of the net. 3-0! Game won and we’re showing some shocking disregard for the wrath of the footballing gods by planning to get pissed already. On the pitch, the ref comes over and warns the boys that their over celebrating may earn them a booking. Dacky responds by appearing to plant a smacker on the ref’s forehead! Thankfully the official doesn’t deem this a bookable offence and lets it go, I’m guerssing with the reasoning that we’ve just doubled our goals for tally for the season in one game.

As if to rubber stamp proceedings, Alty miss another sitter shortly after as one of their boys gets free and 1 on 1 with Gareth, sends his shot wide, then another chance for a consolation goal is spurned by the visitors just before the end. The No 7 bursts into the box and sends a blistering shot just inches over the crossbar with Howells rooted. The Alty boys, so boisterous early on, now stood by the tunnel groan. The final whistle soon after brings a great cheer. Everyone’s smiling. No wonder, we’ve won and we’ve managed a clean sheet!! Bloody Hell.

The telly in the bar provides another lift to the merry atmosphere by revealing that both Welling and FGR have lost today, meaning we’re off the bottom thankfully. We also discover from the joys of Sky’s coverage that K’s have conceded a last minute equalizer at home to Northwich, which is nice.

Yep. I definitely must have got run over by that bus. No flowers please.

Adjournment to the pub and a lengthy drunken discussion on all sorts of bollocks, but mainly sort of  filth available on the internet follows. I mean, who would look at such disgusting items eh??

Ahem.

MAN OF THE MATCH : The Team. Good strong performance….

ENTERTAINMENT : 7. Not exactly Brazil, but we’re not complaining…..

TEAM : Howells, Berry, Laker, Skelly, Mackie, Brooker, Harlow, Harford, Dack, Watson, Winston SUBS : Simpson, Ekoku, Little, Rowlands, Riley

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