Sunday, 31 March 2013

Ben Dover Productions Presents...

Evening sports fans. Another away trip on the booze cruise comes to an end for the Firm once more.

Well it finally had to happen and it did. I went back to work (well for one day anyway!). And in order to recover from that, I needed some time off, so of course a quiet trip to Dover was in order for some seaside air. And after receiving the old text from Mr X it was agreed that we would be getting the high speed train from St. Pancras in order to get to Dover for opening time.

The morning routine was as it always is, a shit, a shower and a shave before splashing on a touch of the old Brut (Just for the ladies!) and then it was a quick walk up to the station to catch the 0902hrs train to Victoria where I meet several other members of the Firm and contrary to popular opinion, we are not always on the beer. As it was a perfect time for tea as we began to take in a new fresh morning as we headed further up town. This was also of course the perfect time to grab a bite to eat, or if you are like me, to sneak off and have a cheeky fag. That's nutritional innit? The 1010hrs high speed train that we got from St. Pancras was, for me, the first time that I have partaken and even though I didn't think there was much difference in the time it took to get to Dover, the fact is that as it doesn't go around all round the houses does actually make a mighty big difference.

Pub #1 in a series of many....

The train ride down was full of the usual banter, the first thing to see was the state of glum that surrounds Stratford Intl. station with all that dull concrete and not a lick of paint. Looked like one of those 70s films trying to depict a futuristic dystopia! And also when the ticket man came round to inspect our tickets, Mr X's was ok, the Welsh Wizard's was ok, the editor-in-chief's was ok and even Juan's (pronounced You-arn today) was ok. And at this point I presented my ticket and what happens? the geezer just totally blanked me and walked off! Is my ticket good or not mate? Further out was also when we saw outside the signs of snow fall beginning to be seen in the fields around us, still despite this the hope was today would finally see some decent weather (a couple of cold quick showers was all we had in the end) and a bit of football. The highlight of the banter was discussions on next Saturday's disability awareness day and the apparent amusement of perhaps seeing the Duke playing blind football!

We arrived into the station at 1120hrs and meeting up with a few known Dover fans, our first port of call was the pub right outside the station where the first drink of the day was quickly devoured by us parched patrons. Now it is well known that I am a cider drinker and I drinks at all of the time. But I can be a bit partial to the old Jeremiah Weed stuff, so the fact that just as we were leaving I discovered in the corner of this boozer was an advert for it along with their trademark jam jar glasses disappointed me. Bollocks!

Insert cock piercing joke here....

The booze cruise was definitely up for a pub crawl today as we moved into the town and stopped in the Prince Albert to refresh ourselves further and don't forget, we tried to stick to the one drink limit to see if we get around as many pubs as we could. In the Albert there was enough time to watch some Albanian TV and stock up on fags, plus a couple of pub sports before we moved onto our next boozer which I think was the Red Lion which had the locals confused as a dozen fellas walked through the door of this dead place and had the poor bird behind the jump running around like a blue arsed tit for five minutes serving us all. I'm sure we done another pub as well after this the name of it escapes me for the minute.

And a special mention to one of our unfortunate drop outs of the booze cruise, Bornatotter, whose in adverted mention of the word "guilty" in a post on the forum after the Weston game on Tuesday became our word of the day, of course somehow is got changed into the style of Mr. Humphries from 'Are you being served'. You can now imagine the Firm trotting up Dover high street trying to look mean with the occasional  waving of the hand and a outburst of "guilty!".

The final stop before the game was the The Three Cups, which came highly recommended by the Dover fans among us. Well I say highly recommended, it was the pub they all go to before a home match, so when in Rome...

Seriously Duke. WTF?

The game itself was, for a bumper crowd of over a thousand, I thought one of those that you hoped more than expected to get anything out of. And it ended up being a very tense affair, like in the first half there was nothing of note that happened except for once again a couple cross that went begging for someone to get a part of their body to and the shot of the half was when new boy Ali Fuseini hit the bar from 25+yrds just before the interval that just seemed to dip at the end.

The second half was a different ball game with both teams looking like they were going to see the game out as a 0-0 draw, that was all to change when Sinclair got harshly sent off for a lunge that happened several minutes before and after two Dover lunges occurred where on both occasions the ref (Who is on twitter) waved play on! Once again within a couple of minutes a goal mouth scramble resulted in Ben May tapping a simple goal in and the thoughts that we'd end up on the losing team began to look like it was about to happen.

Regulation match action shot. It's the rules....

At this point we got the old customary approach from the stewards about our language, apparently you can't call the ref a "Clown" no more because there are children present! And just like last year at Dover you get a lot of wrong end supporters that must complain as well, which is a shame because the ones that we met on our travels were excellent ambassadors (Drunks!) for thier club. That all changed when in the last minute out of nowhere Benjamin runs through the middle of the park and when just outside the box unleashes a cracker into the top corner! 1-1! That of course sets the wild celebrations off at our end. Made sweeter by the fact I can jump around in front of a group of stonewalled wankers, waving my hands in the air. "Guilty!" indeed. It could have been even better if the fuckin' lino hadn't flagged Dundo offside even later on as he hooked a belter into the onion bag, but we had to settle for the point.

Nicking the late goal was our excuse to head into the club bar to see what the other score were like coming from around the grounds, and the news that Chelsea and the Scrum had lost only increased our delirious moods (If only we had won!). This was the moment for one of the highlights of the day, when after producing my old story of being a former professional break dancing world champion to a Dover fan who was a bit worse for wear, someone else in the Firm tried to top that by declaring his was a "Dolphin Trainer" and after that had silenced us, for some unknown reason he tried to replicate the sound of a Dolphin that in fact ended up being more like a Sea lion in distress! Why it was done I don't know but it goes up there in the top three quotes/sounds of the day. 

Oh yeah, wanna bet?

We ended up going back to The Three Cups to celebrate our point and to commiserate our near victory at the death and of course to charge our pony HTC phones as well. I think now looking back we must have had three pints each in this establishment. When the call came that instead of going to back to the station we were going to hit The Endeavour pub because they had, wait for it, Karaoke! Yes fans we were in a singing mood! This was in no doubt helped by plugging the coins in the jukebox and some of us wanted to share our dulcet tones with the rest of Dover. There was still time for a Dover fan to give us his T Rex impression, and not the 1970s glam rock band, but the dinosaur. It still amazes me why and how he done it, but I tell you it totally bemused us. I think there might be a video of it somewhere?

Like other away trips this was the time for me to leave my phone behind, this time in The Three Cups, luckily again someone knew I was charging it there and brought it along to the next pub with them, but one day I know I won't be that lucky. The last pub on the list was destined to be a messy affair and you knew that this was going to happen when on one of my numerous fag breaks outside, after most song I would hear "Fuckin' Shite!" or something like "You're Terrible, get off!" from outside, I was joined by Juan who after hearing the same just looked at me and named the culprit. It was none other then our Editor-in-chief! 

No no, we only scored 5 minutes ago. You take your fucking time sunshine....

The time to leave was upon us and deciding to get some food, we sent Juan off to the chippy to get munch. He summarily returned with five packs of chips and five battered sausages, for the record this chippy also didn't do gravy. The trademark mad dash for the last train home occurred as per usual we had two cabs booked and without no communication between us we both decided to get booze and luckily some of the firm managed to keep the doors open for all of us to depart. So long Dover!

3 cups? So that'll mean 6 girls? *shudder*

All along the way home from Dover to London I tried to get a Tony Adams video on my phone (I haven't got a clue why), you know the one where they stuck a mic on David Ellery for a Arsenal Vs Millwall match? This was interceded with the drunken rabble that we are begin to lower our standards by the minute. First there was Editor-in-chief continuous declaration of his love for chips, a rather disgusting act done with a Oasis bottle (animals) and then mine and Juan conversation done between a Dutchman and a Boer. Sometime I do wonder about our mentality!

Even the train home from Victoria had its moments with the Editor-in-chief and the Welsh Wizard disappearing to get more food. One getting Burger King and the other getting MacDonald's. Finally on the last train home there was still time for someone to pass out on the train and for the Welsh Wizard to drop all his chips over the floor! Happy Days!

And that was the end of another booze cruise for the Firm. Boreham Wood on Monday and hopefully we show some of the spirit we had today. And as promised here is the video of Tony Adams, lets hope this works!



  1. Dutch voice/..''crazy times in Dover yeh, we had Cider, beer, and Gin, like its totally crazy,and amazing, but it don't compare to the wild times of the 80's''

    It was over the line......!!

  2. ''wait was six girls two cups...nope nope that's not right, it was 3 girls 3 cups...right..? no no that's not the one, it was two cup''''oooooooooo